[the_polar_bear]

Hey folks.

I've recently been confronting the full truth of the lifelong abuse I've experienced from my family. Over the holidays I cut off contact with them and have been focusing on myself and figuring this all out. I've been going to therapy and reading a lot of self help books, and one thing has been striking me regarding the self help books- there seem to be two different philosophies out there regarding Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

On the one hand, in a lot of the articles and books I read like 'becoming the narcissist's nightmare', they paint a picture of the narcissist as a person who lacks empathy but also deliberately chooses to be cruel and destroy lives. On the other hand, there seems to be another view as in such books as 'stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist"- that they can't help it and are mentally ill, and that we should be caring OF them by understanding their illness and adjusting our behaviours, but not care FOR them or try to change them.

I'm having a hard time figuring out where I stand. I thought I felt so sure I felt that the narcissists in my life were bad people and I shouldnt feel guilty for going no contact- but then the compassionate side of me says, maybe with some extreme boundaries, and low contact, we could make it work? The question is, should I? And is it worth it when they've put you through 30 years of abuse, no matter if they were conscious of it or not?

I guess I'm just worried that I'm just abandoning my ageing, mentally ill mother for something she has no control over? And that she's going to die alone- which of course she'd deserve if she did all of this intentionally, but if there was no choice involved does she deserve that? And that seems cruel to me. I suffer from mental illess myself, and I wouldn't want someone to abandon me just because of my panic disorder. Please help! My mind is a mess.

[Skeezyks]

Hello the _polar_bear: I'm afraid I cannot address your concerns. However, I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Welcome to PC!

My situation is identical to yours. I went no contact with me family. I do not regret it. Heck, I have PTSD and anxiety because of the abuse. If you chose to alter YOUR behavior to pacify them, then it is nothing more than a domestic violence situation. You don't deserve that.

PM me if you ever want to talk.

[tennisteam]

These are such good questions and you are not alone in this struggle. I've been dealing with the exact same thing. I think both schools of thought are correct, but you may be wanting to cling to crumbs of hope that the second approach would seem to offer (it actually doesn't) I found a great resource that is helping me sort through these questions- a lot of it is geared toward romantic relationships with emotionally unavailable people which includes NPDs but the struggles it talks about are the same as with family members and friends. It's a blog called Baggage Reclaimed. Here is the list of posts. I hope you find something that helps. List of Posts

[coast123]

A narcissist feeds off of other people. By 'accepting' this, and living around them, you sacrifice your life and personal sanity to their disorder. I am not at all an advocate of that. All of the narcissists that I have ever met have this have a false, over inflated idea of themselves, and tend to punish anyone who threatens that. By changing your behavior, you are not only reinforcing their delusions, but validating their behavior.