[Rayne Selene]

I have a fifteen-year-old sister and an eighteen-year-old brother. We come from a family where our father was emotionally abusive to my sister and me and physically abusive to my brother. My mother finally divorced him and for the past six years we all lived together in her home. I moved out last year (I'm 23) and this year I moved out of state with my boyfriend. My sister has been calling me and telling me some troubling things and I'm not sure what I can do to help her.

To start with, my brother has Bipolar Disorder and is prone to rages and even violence. He was arrested two years ago after pushing my mother and threatening to hurt them. Since then, he hasn't physically hurt anyone in the house, but he is starting to emotionally abuse my sister. He follows a lot of the same patterns as our dad: blaming everyone else for his problems, telling my mother and sister that they "hate" him and he's always the odd one out, etc.

Anyway, he always seems to get in moods that make him deliberately antagonistic. He likes to taunt my sister, calling her fat, stupid, lazy, etc. On Sunday of this last week she called me, crying, saying that he had been taunting her and then told her "You're the only one I'm mean to. You deserve it. You always make me mad. If you weren't so stupid I wouldn't have to be mean to you." This kind of abusive language made me FURIOUS. I told her to go to our mom about it, but our mom has problems with anxiety and depression and can't stand conflict: often when we would ask her to deal with our brother she would get frustrated and say things like "I don't want to be in the middle!" or "Why can't you guys get along for one day!" My brother is building up a long history of disrespect and causing problems in her house, and I've thought for a long time that she should just kick him out, but she says she doesn't want to lose him or be responsible for him living on the streets. But now he's attacking my sister and my sister is scared. Yesterday, he came home, angry and grumpy, and started in on my sister like he always does. She tried to ignore him, like I've told her to do, and she was watching a show. He went and turned off the TV, standing in front of it and proceeding to shout at her. She finally got up and left the room, locking herself in my old room and waiting until he left for work to come out again. When she came out again, he had dumped her school backpack on the floor and poured an entire pot of coffee over her stuff. She's also been working on an application for a technical school for high school students that has a nursing program for teenagers, and she had had her letters of recommendation and application all prepared and laid out on the kitchen table. He stole it just to be spiteful.

My mom apparently got it back from him later, but he never apologized and has been giving my sister the silent treatment since. She feels frustrated and frightened in this situation and I'm not sure how to help her.

One way is to separate them, and let him go live on his own. He is 18 and working. He is able to do so.

[Verity81]

Yes he is able to live on his own but it seems your mother won't kick him out despite how his behaviour is.

Is it possible for your sister to move in with you? Or would that put too much responsibility on to you?

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by Verity81

Yes he is able to live on his own but it seems your mother won't kick him out despite how his behaviour is.

Is it possible for your sister to move in with you? Or would that put too much responsibility on to you?

If I lived there, I would let her do that in a heartbeat, but I live across the country, unfortunately. And you're right: he's perfectly capable of living on his own, he has a job, but my mom gave him the same deal she gave me: live there rent-free while in school. But the thing is, he's disrespectful in a way I never was. There's little things, like making huge messes in the kitchen and then throwing a violent tantrum when asked to clean it up. Or taking someone else's clean wet clothes out of the washer and dropping them on the floor. Then there's other things, like when I stayed there for a month over the summer and he went through my stuff, taking anything of value and selling it (my MOM paid me back, he didn't.) Or when he ordered his textbooks and "accidentally" charged my mother's card for $500. Or when he got high and crashed the car she bought him in high school and now he throws fits when she won't let him use her car. Over Christmas, we got into a minor fight that escalated to him shouting and flipping chairs and me having a panic attack so bad that I don't remember it and I was taken to the ER in an ambulance while having convulsions. I was in a hospital bed and he came in telling my mom that he just wanted to see me and then started telling me that I was doing this for attention, that "no wonder dad left"...cruel things like that. To an incapacitated sister in a hospital bed. He frequently tells my sister that she's the reason our dad left.

His behavior is outrageous and I genuinely fear for my family's safety sometimes. When I bring it up to my mom, she says "well, he hasn't done anything violent since that time he got arrested. He doesn't want to get arrested." I want to say, um, HELLO? You're relying on his fear of arrest as the ONLY reason he hasn't physically hurt you or your daughter? That's a PROBLEM. I love her dearly, and she is hands down the sweetest person on the planet, but she spent years fighting my dad on behalf of my brother (my dad doesn't believe in mental illness and subscribes to the "beat it out of him" mentality) and I think now that the systematic abuse of my narcissistic father is over, she can't adjust her mentality from one of protecting my brother from my father to protecting my sister from my brother. I don't think she can process that the abused is now the abuser. It breaks my heart, because I can see what led my brother to become this way, and I empathize with him, but I can't allow someone to hurt my sister. It isn't her fault that his life was hell.

I know my brother. And he only holds it in so long until he gets violent. And I'm really worried for what could happen when he finally breaks. In the meantime, his emotional abuse toward my sister is unacceptable... I thought about telling my sister to talk to our school councilor about it, but I'm scared they'll take her from my mom. I mean it when I say my mom is a loving, amazing person and I love her so much. My sister is also very attached to my mom. She just can't seem to let go of my brother, and it's putting them in danger.

[Verity81]

If she really is in physical danger from your brother, (she already is in emotional danger) then as hard as this is going to sound, she might be better off not living with your mum. Is there any other family she could stay with? If not then if there is a real chance your brother could seriously hurt her then I would call social services.
Maybe it will be the scare your mum needs to finally kick him out. She is the child and he is the adult so she needs protecting. I'm sorry it seems to be down to you to handle this, it can't be easy at 23 years old. Would it not be possible for your sister to move to your state to live with you? I'm guessing she would need to change schools and everything which might be traumatic in itself! especially losing friends etc.
Maybe before you make any calls to child protection, have a long heart to heart with your mum and warn her that if things don't improve regarding the psychological abuse or if he does get violent then you will be calling social services. Its kinda cruel to be kind, your sister is attached to your mum but unfortunately by not setting boundaries with your brother like you said is putting them both in danger.

[amandalouise]

since you are not your sister guardian (otherwise as the minor in question, she would be living with you rather than her mother) living in the home you are by law there is nothing you can do and if you choose to take any actions you could be charged with custodial/ parental interference...

something to think about .... since you are not a witness to what is going on you are only getting what information your sister chooses to tell you whether that info is 100% factual that you are receiving or whether its partly factual based on what your sister chooses to tell you and what you know and feel from the past of your living in the home can be a qestionable thing in most cases...

but there is one thing where these issues are not taken into consideration.... if you ....feel.... any minor is in danger you can call the child abuse hotline. or your local police. that will get an investigation going where the right people who can take action will be able to 100% assess the situation and if indeed your sister is being physically or emotionally or otherwise abused in any way she will receive the help she needs.

if you feel your sister is not safe and the living conditions are not keeping her emotional and physical wellbeing in mind you can petition the courts for guardianship the courts will assess whether the childs home situation is the way the minor is leading others to believe and whether past issues that you went through is a factor now in the present for the minor. if so you will be awarded your sisters guardianship and regardless of where you live she will be able to live with you.

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by Verity81

If she really is in physical danger from your brother, (she already is in emotional danger) then as hard as this is going to sound, she might be better off not living with your mum. Is there any other family she could stay with? If not then if there is a real chance your brother could seriously hurt her then I would call social services.
Maybe it will be the scare your mum needs to finally kick him out. She is the child and he is the adult so she needs protecting. I'm sorry it seems to be down to you to handle this, it can't be easy at 23 years old. Would it not be possible for your sister to move to your state to live with you? I'm guessing she would need to change schools and everything which might be traumatic in itself! especially losing friends etc.
Maybe before you make any calls to child protection, have a long heart to heart with your mum and warn her that if things don't improve regarding the psychological abuse or if he does get violent then you will be calling social services. Its kinda cruel to be kind, your sister is attached to your mum but unfortunately by not setting boundaries with your brother like you said is putting them both in danger.

You're right...this may be what I have to do. I don't think she would necessarily have to vome out of state to be with me, we have a lot of family in the area where they live, close aunts and uncles and other relatives.

She texted me an audio file today...it was an 8-minute recording of my brother yelling at her. In the end of it, you hear him say, "You know what? Pretend this is your head!" And then a lot of banging noises and my sister screaming. Apparently he picked up a garden hoe my mom had bought and started busting holes in the wall of her house! This kind of violence isn't justifiable by "oh I just got angry." My sister called and just kept saying, "Mom is taking his side" so I texted my mom to see where her head is at.... she said "I feel torn up. Your sister is going off on me." I responded, "She's feeling really alone." And my mom said "And of course it's my fault. EVERYTHING is ALWAYS my fault."

I mean, this isn't about her. This is about her child, who she has a duty to protect...the last time I tried to have a heart to heart with my mom about this, she got defensive and told me that I have no children and have no right to tell her how to run her house.

I just feel like I'm out of options.

I've had to call child protective services on behalf of an abused family member before.

You can be open about who you are, or you can choose to remain anonymous.

It isn't easy reporting family to the authorities, but sometimes it's the only option available.

Sincerely,
Pflower!