[Blueberryforest]

Why did I not listen to my gut when I first met him. I was too blinded by what seemed like incredible romance and attention. I was desperately looking for a meaningful relationship at that time, two years ago.

I ignored the warning signs. I married him when he wanted to, way too early, just known each other for three months. He was very intense and possessive already in the beginning. He would text and call all day long and get upset if I didn't reply right away. He was paranoid about other guys hitting on me. He was a loner and seemed to hide something. Qualities that I was attracted to at the time, now I just see how well that fits the abuser personality.

Over time he started to critize me more and more. I tried to eliminate all causes of critique, but have only now realized there will always be something for him to criticize. Our arguments are monologues on his part, they last hours and every possible insult and threat is hurled at me even though I no longer try to stand up for myself or even have a say in the argument.

The list of things he has done in endless, he's changed my phone number twice without asking me, he has had sex ads posted online looking to hook up with other women throughout our whole relationship (that was my fault because I didn't give him enough sex apparently), he makes decisions that concern both of us behind my back again and again. He constantly violates any boundaries I try to set. When I ask him not to grope me and that my body is mine, not his to grope, he tells me to "stop that feminist b-s*". He has broken into my email and Facebook and forced me to block people on FB. He doesn't let me have any friends and repeatedly tells me I can not talk about what happens in our relationship with outsiders. He uses guilt and shame and threats to make me have sex with him.

Here I have no support network, he doesn't let me go out and make friends. But anyway I am too depressed to make friends and can only think that nobody would want to be my friend because I am such a burden. I cry every day. I have immense pain inside that has to be let out somehow, so I have started screaming and slamming doors. I have to fight the urge to physically harm myself.

There is so much more to tell but it would be too long for anyone to read. I just needed to shout out because I am so exhausted and anxious all the time.

Since you now recognize that he is abusing you--are you able to escape to a women's shelter? All of the larger cities have them, just call customer service at your local government (Mayor's Office) or police department. They are there to help you and will even keep your location hidden when you leave if they feel that it is necessary for your safety. You are probably exhausted and anxious because you are not running from a situation that you need to leave (your body's fight or flight responses are working in overdrive but you are not listening). I hope you find the courage to either stand up to him or leave otherwise your mental health will continue to deteriorate. When you feel like screaming and slamming doors, maybe try to figure out what you need to say to him. I sometimes fail to ask my husband in a very direct manner, what I want from him. If you ask your husband in a very direct way what you want (and it is a reasonable request), and he loves you, he will do what you ask of him (asking to be able to go out on your own to do activities is an example of something he should be allowing you to do). If he prevents you from doing reasonable things--you should really think about what that means in the long run. I know it's not easy but at least you have only been married 2 years instead of decades. If you need to leave, it will be easier to do it now; later, there may be further barriers like children, health issues, etc. Think about it....