[grimeycat]

{TW // childhood sexual molestation}

It has been nearly 8 years since my abuse. Which would split my life into two halves. 1/2 is ages 1-8, where I was Julia. A sweet, innocent, polite, shy, and quite sheltered young girl. I loved pink, girly things, ponies, God. Then my parents adopted my half brother, I will call him Z. That would be the second half. Ages 8-16 (I turn 16 in May). He was abused by his mother and grandfather, a diagnosed schizophrenic. Always had wide eyes and keen to rebel. My head hurts just thinking about this. After he molested my brother and I, it's not the same. My family isn't as close. He's gone now, far away, done his time. But the scars are still there, and they always will be. Now I am different. I don't want to be. My name doesn't feel like my name anymore. Julia. I don't see myself when I hear that, I see the young girl with dirty blonde hair with a Pinkie Pie my little pony doll and her torn baby blanket. Who am I now? Constantly changing the color of my hair, brutally honest, impressionable, fake to others frankly idk how to be myself. I stare at myself in the mirror for so long, but I don't know who I'm looking at. My name doesn't fit me, maybe I should go by my middle name. Michelle. That might be nice but my mom would refuse. She always believes she knows best, but nobody knows me as well as I do. I am the person I have to be with 100% of the time. I hear every thought that goes through my head. Nobody knows me except for me, and my two cats that view every breakdown I have in my room, alone at 2 a.m. My psychiatrist isn't enough, I don't want these meds to make me happy. I've missed so many days of school, I feel like I'm gonna fail. I can't be touched. Little things trigger me. Silly things. A plaid schoolgirl outfit. That was what I was wearing on that day. Churches. We lived across from one, it was after Sunday school. Pink panther. He cut a whole into the stuffed animal to make it a sex doll. Cardboard. He turned a piece of it into a voodoo doll of my mother. I hate him. He ruined me. 13 is old enough to understand what you've done, right? But he's diagnosed so maybe he doesn't. Idk myself anymore. Who can I talk to? Who can I really tell every disgusting little detail of it to let it out of me? Who can I tell my secrets to? I'm so sorry for this giant vent. I thought I wouldn't think of this anymore. It's my fault for obsessing over it suddenly again. It's never going away.

[Unrigged64072835]

Gentle hugs if you want them.

[grimeycat]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Gentle hugs if you want them.

Thank you! :,^)

[starryprince]

I just want to say that it's never your fault. You have a right to your feelings. They're valid. What you went through was horrible and you have every right to mourn your childhood. When you're sexually abused you have to grow up so quickly and it's not fair to us. I understand what you're going through and I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. =)

[grimeycat]

Originally Posted by starryprince

I just want to say that it's never your fault. You have a right to your feelings. They're valid. What you went through was horrible and you have every right to mourn your childhood. When you're sexually abused you have to grow up so quickly and it's not fair to us. I understand what you're going through and I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. =)

Thank you so much