[LotusFromTheMud]

My abusive father is dying now. Have you ever seen the movie Magnolia?

Tom Cruise's character has an estranged father. He is asked to go see him to say his goodbyes. He has emotional outbursts leading up to this meeting and then goes to see him. He swears at him. Tells him he hates me and that he will not cry for him. Then he breaks down and cries hard.

Right now, life is imitating art x10 for me.

I've been a talented poet and songwriter but I have no rhyme for this.

About 10 minutes ago, I dictated the following:

I came into your room and knelt by your bed once.
We had a nice talk.
You told me you were proud of me.
I wanted to remember you like that.

But your sick macho ******** took the reins
Verbal abuse.
Physical abuse.
And you even grabbed a nurse there.
You really know how to throw a hell of a grand finale.
And now they say to me, do I have any last words for him?

What do you want me to say?
What can I possibly say?

How ****ing dare you!
What the hell is the matter with you!
I am disgusted by you!

That's all I have to say.
That's all I have to say.

And, there it is. This is a difficult day and that is all I have to say.

How have you handled it.

[Skeezyks]

Hello LotusFromTheMud: I'm sorry you find yourself in this most difficult situation. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Open Eyes]

Hi LotusFromTheMud, welcome to Psych Central.

I am sorry that your father was abusive. It is no wonder you are lost about what "you" should do about his passing. I think what makes it hard is all the things you would like to say to him in what his abuse towards you did that hurt you. As angry as you are, truth is, you know what it's like to "hurt" and I am willing to bet my last dollar that you are a kind hearted person that doesn't want to hurt anyone like you were hurt.

I am wondering if you are a male? If so that can be very hard because you want to be strong and stand up for yourself, but you don't want to be a wretch like him. The problem with a man like your father that is abusive is that they themselves were probably raised badly and often a "person is what they know".

I can't tell you what to do or say to your father. Just, whatever you do, don't be like him because if he is the cause of your challenge with PTSD, that's terrible, be better than that.

[Out There]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I told my abusive Mother I loved her at the last minute - the next time she was not conscious to hear it. And it gave me closure. I don't know what happened to make her the way she was , but I think we get healed from it when we pass. I did feel released and relived when she died , but I'm glad I never said anything but I love you.

Same thing happened with my abusive mother a few years ago who screwed up my life.

She was dying after a long battle with stage 4 lung cancer. She was a heavy smoker which caused her a lot of health issues that finally caught up with her. She first started having issues with her health and an eventual cancer diagnosis roughly 7 years ago but it was treated before returning as stage 4 terminal cancer roughly 3 years ago where she was given a few months to live and put on hospice.

I continued to live with her and help support her at the expense of my own mental health. She eased up on me a lot but still drove me crazy with some of her lies and demands. Expecting me to revolve my life around her and drop what I am doing if she wanted something like coffee or food was still something she did a lot but at least she stopped making me feel worthless by telling me how I will never function in society because of my mental health or threatening to have me hospitalized if I acted out.

For the first time, I actually felt close to her.

When she was finally living her final moments, I told her I loved her and sat with her. I consider all the pain and agony she was going through as a payment of sorts for all the pain she caused me.

When she died, I felt nothing.

At her funeral, I didn't cry at all and some of the people there probably thought I was some kind of psychopath. I showed zero emotion even when I was asked to play some sad music as a sort of tribute. She wanted "My Immortal" by Evanessence to be played at her funeral and I even honored that request despite nobody else knowing and me not having to.

I am capable of mercy even to those who hurt me. I am better than her.

Looking back, I probably only put up with her because I still had trouble supporting myself as an adult and needed a place to stay. I wanted to run for the hills so many times but I stood by her side even though it was probably for all of the wrong reasons.

Perhaps it felt good for me to finally see her powerless over me? Who knows.

At least I matured a bit since then.

[Unrigged64072835]

When my father was diagnosed with liver cancer, I said I loved him on the last phone call we had. He swallowed hard and said he loved me too.

The SOB made my life hell when I was home. He and my mother fought for many years until she had cancer. He even said I was fat when I showed him my wedding pictures on FB.

So I got him in the end. I was in a really good mood that day and I didn't let him screw me up.

My brother didn't even tell me he died until I called him three days afterwards.

I don't have connections to anyone in my family except my dad's sister. She knew.

[*Laurie*]

Grieving the dying and death of an abusive parent is very complicated. In my experience, thoughts and emotions after the death of an abuser are a roller coaster ride - much the same as the abusive situation was. One day is okay...the next day (or hour) can be challenging...another time the pain is monumental.

Sometimes therapy helps. Sometimes living with the ups and downs is all we can do.

[Lillybet]

We are hard wired to want the love and approval of our parents.
This becomes very tricky when there is abuse.
We get caught in this spiral, the need fir our parents love and the pain of betrayal from the abuse.
My dad was 90% bastard and 10% nice.
I found that I could love the bits of dad that were loveable and grieve that loss. But at the same time be bloody glad he was finally dead and I was free.