Why can't I just leave??

Me and my husband separated in January after 5 years of marriage. He was such a nice caring guy until we got married. After that I'd notice he'd get annoyed and aggravated much quicker. He would go long periods of time without a job and make no attempt to find one. My checks weren't even close to being able to cover it all. Are arguments got more intense. He would drink and "black out" and scream and throw/break things. He called the cops many times and act like he was the calm one once they got there. I was arrested twice for assault because where I live if someone is accused they can be arrested without any physical evidence. I know I'm not happy, but I can't get myself to end it. He knows the easiest way to get a reaction out me is to ignore me. Give me the silent treatment. We haven't seen each other since January so he will text me like an old pictures of us or something to get my attention and ignore my texts/calls and give me no explanation. I don't understand why he's doing this! How does he benefit from it? And how do I build up the strength to finally end this toxic relationship? Forgot to mention we don't have children.

Hey Ohxpoorxme.

Finding reasons to stay in a bad relationship with a limited outlook is what keeps us stuck. There will always be a reason to stay...However, there are three reasons I can think of right now for exiting this relationship.....YOU...YOU ...and YOU.

If anyone had me falsely arrested that would most certainly be a deal breaker, but I am guessing over the years he has worn away at your self esteem, and played the guilt trip card more than once.

There is a great big beautiful world full of wonderful people out there. So be kind to yourself Ohxpoorxme....strive to be the hero of your own life first and foremost.

I know how hard it is; I left after31 years of abuse! I suggest getting counseling for yourself.

I met with a counselor for the first time last week. I just feel like there's so much to cover since I put off going for so long. I've managed to somehow get this far without any major problems or talking to anyone. I feel ashamed like I should have been able to deal with all this on my own, does that make sense?

your ex is sick and you really need to try to avoid all contact with him from what I've read. I do understand how hard it is, but you deserve to be free of this tormentor. (((Hugs)))

Should be easy since he's giving me the silent treatment right now and ignoring me completely. That is the one thing I can't stand. And he does it all the time!!

MY X did that & it worked for many years. I am a battered woman. It triggered me, my emotions. I went back so many times, he's say Remeber this, we were so happy here, if he didn't get the reaction he wanted I'd get the verbal abuse, I was his property , he was violent as well, throwing things like yours, but he hit me also but he a Narcissist also which made it total psychological warfare. Seems like your X has some of these tendecies cuz Narcs have big ego & get their high by feeding it. So when he upsets u, pisses u off, has any kinda power over u, he's proving to himself he still has that ability, therefore, feeding his ego, getting a high off of it. It's sick but it's true. My X has it bad & would literally smirk as I cried. You should maybe think of a restraining order with no contact & put down everything he's ever done to you. He's an abuser pure & simple please get out now b4 there are kids involved, I was stuck with my X for 14 years, but what if u do go back? My 2 youngest (his) have ptsd from what they grew up watching, & god only knows what u have now from what he has put u thru. You deserve better.

SO. your husband is trying to get you back. sounds alot like my ex husband. I'm pretty sure he's bipolar. I have moment like then, I hsve bipolar, cuz my ex was sbusive to me, & the excessive cheating pushed me over the edge. See but I can control my bipolar, (FOR THE MOST PART) & nI'm on meds. But, I've also studied about it to understand it better obviously cuz I have it. I have no doubt my NEX-husband was bipolar, but I also have no doubt ha also had NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER, Plus he hit me, he verbal was usually all day long. I was stuck almost 14 yrs. seperated the last 3 yrs. just got divorced in January. Look up NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER, what your describing, you'll be wow. in face, one second. what he's doing right now is called hoovering with the pictures.

Hoovering is a technique that's used by narcissists (and other manipulative types) to suck their victims back into a relationship with them. It's named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner and it makes a lot of sense, because the hooverer is basically treating you like dirt. Narcissists need the energy of being adored, and who better to suck that energy than someone they decide is still vulnerable to them?

Narcissists are emotional vampires and have no problem destroying you to get their needs met. The hooverer can be at a low point in their life and may need a quick-fix, so they look for the easiest and quickest source: you.

The bitter truth is that the narcissist has no intention of everything working out and giving you a happily-ever-after. For whatever reason, things aren't going the hooverer's way — maybe the person they dumped you for isn't working out or did something that annoyed them; he's getting ready to dump her or he might need something you have, like money, a car or sex.

You can think of yourself as the rebound: the hooverer will use you until they no longer need you, and then they'll dump you again with no thought to how it will affect you. The narcissist is the only winner in every situation.

The "hoover maneuver" usually begins after the narcissist has left you and after a period of silence. Be on the lookout for these signs:

1. They send you messages pretending nothing happened. One day with no warning you get a message that says, "Hey stranger, long time no talk," or "What's up?" Do NOT engage.

2. They use the pretext of a special occasion to make contact. Just translate "Happy birthday" or "Happy New Year" to mean "I need some attention."

3. They ask you random questions. "What was the name of the sushi restaurant we went to in Santa Barbara?" Feel free to answer any way you want, but they don't really want to know the answer; they just want to get you to focus on them.

4. They make a fake gesture of caring. "I was thinking about you" means "I was thinking about me" and "how I can use you to distract myself."

5. They bring your kids into it (especially if they're not his). "I know you hate me, but please tell Jake to score a goal for me."

6. They become your social director. "Hey, want to catch up on some of the Oscar-nominated films with me?" No, I absolutely don't.

7. They praise you. "I read your piece on the philosophy of Miley Cyrus and I was riveted. Your writing speaks to me." Yeah, well, listen closely because it's telling you to leave me the hell alone.

8. They call you to say something bogus. Any hooverer knows that it's very difficult to resist when someone reaches out during a crisis. But there's no need to be concerned — there's no aunt with cancer and the hooverer isn't concerned about a mole on his left shoulder. He's just using every trick in the handbook.


9. They "accidentally" call or text you. Who says that narcissists can't be evil geniuses? A mistake call can deliver a whole lot of pain with a few strokes. If you get "See you in ten minutes. Love you" text, this is supposedly for his current girlfriend but is sent as a stab in the heart. Then there's the "Karen called and said Curtis is in the hospital. Call him right away" text, so that you'll feel compelled to call the hooverer.

10. They play the guilt card. This includes the "I'll go to AA if you come back" or "I might do something harmful to myself if you don't respond" texts. The narcissist manipulator knows that it's very difficult to say no to something when someone's life is in the balance.

11. They accuse you of something. "Did you just call me?" or "Was that you driving past my house just now?" No one likes to be accused of hoovering someone, but the hooverer is just trying to get you to respond.

12. They make false accusations. "Stop stalking me," they text you as you shake your head in confusion. What? Who's stalking who?

It's tempting when you finally hear the things you've wanted to hear since you got dumped, and you think this will help heal the pain. But no, it will do just the opposite. The hooverer doesn't really care about you, because you're only a part of their sick game. Choose not to play.

People with personality disorders like narcissism don't have lasting relationships, and they don't feel love for anybody but themselves. The reason they're hoovering you is 100 percent for themselves — you aren't even in the equation.

Hoovering = sucking the life out of you.

Being dumped sucks, but there are times when it can actually be life saving — and that's when the person doing the dumping is a narcissist. When someone with that kind of personality disorder breaks up with you, they're doing you a favor. Hopefully, you'll recover and never have contact with them again.

For awhile, it looks like you're safe from their manipulation, as you've received nothing from them but the silent treatment. It can go on that way for a week, a month and even surprisingly years, and then out of nowhere they reach out and you start to believe there's hope for the two of you to have a real future.

Luckily for you, this will never happen, because you're being hoovered.