I'm currently reading the book "Children of the Aging Self Absorbed: A Guide to Coping wtih Difficult Narcissistic Parents and Grandparents," by Nina Brown and wanted to share the four self-absorbed parenting styles the she outlines her book. I think it's very helpful and also you can have parents who are more than one type of self-absorbed.

1. Type: Clingy
Message: "I'm helpless."
Goal: To have others take care of them.

• Is demanding of your time.
• Focuses on what they don't have.
• Wants constant attention.
• Points out how they are always suffering.
• Smothers you with attention. Is in the child role and their child is the adult.
• Expects their child to meet their needs at the expense of the child's needs.
• Constantly whines and complains.

2. Type: Suspicious/Defensive
Message: "Everyone is out to hurt me."
Goal: Protection of the self from perceived danger.

• Assumes the most negative perception of whatever their child says or does.
• Is overly sensitive.
• Expects their child and everyone else to be perfect.
• Is rigid, calculating and manipulative.
• Easily offended and keeps everyone at a distance emotionally.
• Doesn't show affection or empathy.

3. Type: Arrogant
Message: "You are inferior to me. I'm superior to you in every way."
Goal: Keep personal inadequacies, imperfections, and the like out of their
conscious awareness. (denial is their goal)

• Displays a superior attitude.
• Boasts and brags about personal possessions and accomplishments.
• Takes unearned credit for others' achievements.
• Displays an entitled attitude.
• Has contempt for their own children's achievements.
• Quick to point out their children's and others' mistakes.
• Feels that their children owe them to do what they say.
• Assumes they are always right and everyone else is always wrong.
• Unapologetic for taking advantage of others.
• Gives orders, expects prompt compliance and reacts with violence or anger when not obeyed.
• Very sarcastic and belittling.

4. Type: Belligerent
Message: "Everyone is dangerous (to me)."
Goal: Revenge for real or imagined psychological injuries.

• Is always angry, combative and dismisses other people's feelings.
• Criticizes and blames you and others for their personal problems.
• Quick to be offended by perceived (not real) insults, slights.
• Carries and holds grudges and never apologizes.
• Talks loud and fast.
• Interrupts others, talks over others.
• Promotes discord and conflict among family members (manipulates family members against each other for their own gain or amusement).
• Is easily provoked and quick to anger.
• Teases and taunts others until the others show distress or fear.

This book is great because there are chapters that offer coping strategies and how to manage the conflict with these parenting types, so that you can protect yourself and your family from your parents' narcissism.

[missunderstood1119]

Mine is defintely type 4 all the way.

[Terabithia]

Thank you for this! My sister, brother, and I are all trying to deal with this right now. Our mother is 78 and my sister and I are just realizing that she has this diagnosis. She has all 4 types, I think. It's crazy to finally understand who our mother really is, and how abusive she has been all these years. Others would never suspect it. When your mother can no longer take care of herself are you going to help her? We have decided that we can not do this. I would end up in the hospital and my sister might just kill her!
I jotted down the title/author. It's very easy to feel alone in this situation. Thanks again!

[missunderstood1119]

Originally Posted by Terabithia

Thank you for this! My sister, brother, and I are all trying to deal with this right now. Our mother is 78 and my sister and I are just realizing that she has this diagnosis. She has all 4 types, I think. It's crazy to finally understand who our mother really is, and how abusive she has been all these years. Others would never suspect it. When your mother can no longer take care of herself are you going to help her? We have decided that we can not do this. I would end up in the hospital and my sister might just kill her!
I jotted down the title/author. It's very easy to feel alone in this situation. Thanks again!

My dads the same way. Everyone thinks hes this nice funny guy but behind closed doors hes a monster.

Yep! I have two siblings and because our mother squandered her savings on living above her means, she has to move out of her apartment in three months. She demanded and threatened that I move in with her, and ignored the boundaries I set up when I told her no. We all asked her to move in with her sister, who's also a widow, whose mortgage is paid off. But my aunt (her sister) is just as belligerent as our mother is (go figure, they're sisters). It makes the most economical sense, but they're both acting like fools.

I emailed our mother about 30 different apartment complexes she could afford but she has refused to follow up on those leads. She wants to be belligerent and threaten me to be her roommate (won't happen!), and also play the victim which is rich, considering she with held inheritance from her three children when their father died, and anytime she lent us money from his estate, would put ridiculous, demeaning conditions on her "financial loans." Now, she borrows money from her brother, because she refuses to manage what little social security she has left. She's irresponsible with money, yet its her three children's fault. She sleeps on her sofa all day with the lights off, the tv blaring, doesn't eat much, and takes 12 medications. She's a trainwreck and none of us can afford to put her in a nursing home. There are HUD nursing homes that we could put her in, but the waiting list for a spot in those is 6 months to a year out, due to the fact that many senior citizens can't financially afford the high rent for senior apartment buildings.

When she bought a new car, I asked her to give me her old, broken down minivan and the title to it. She REFUSED to give me the title to it for 6 years. The only reason she finally gave it to me, was because I asked my BIL whom she respects, to get involved and speak to her (he seems to be the only one who can manage her unstable moods).
I could have traded in her minivan for its bluebook value at the time which was over $6K and bought a newer, used car. But she's irrational and mean. Took me 6 years to get that van's title, and the minute I did, I traded it in for a newer used car which enraged her because she couldn't control her mid-40s daughter's life choices.

Originally Posted by missunderstood1119

My dads the same way. Everyone thinks hes this nice funny guy but behind closed doors hes a monster.

My mother is the same. In public she seems normal, nice. But behind closed doors she's like Medusa with snakes on her head.