[Rayne Selene]

I posted this a while ago, and I've wrestled with the idea of reposting it, because no one ever responded. It isn't that I want attention, I swear it isn't that. It's just that I have not talked about this to one single real person, ever. And I need to know that someone in the world, somewhere, knows what happened and cares, even if it's just a random person on the internet. I can't explain it. I feel like if someone doesn't know, then it's erased somehow, and it doesn't matter, because I'm doing "fine" now. So could someone please read it and let me know that they did? Please? I feel really stupid asking this.

Trigger warning: This is about my ex and what he put me through, including mention of sexual abuse and a miscarriage.

It's been two years since the relationship ended, and I thought that I was over all of it. But as I learned more, as I connected with other women (I had zero friends while dating him) I started to realize how much had happened to me. He dumped me in January of 2015, and the past couple of months have, for some reason, caused the things that happened to become really intrusive in my thoughts, dreams, and life...which I really don't understand. I'm with a guy who I care about, we've moved out of state together, and the relationship couldn't be more different than the one that I was in. I'm happy, and yet I'm not.

I did write about it in a journal, but I feel like I need to talk to a real person. I don't feel like I can really talk about it with my family, and even though I've sort of talked about it with my best friend, I'm having a hard time communicating how deeply this is hurting me right now. I can't understand why it's bothering me so much. It wasn't violent, it's over, I really don't understand.

We started dating when I was seventeen. I remember I didn't really like him too terribly much, and I didn't find him very attractive, but nobody else liked me and he pursued me more avidly than any guy had ever done before. I had had one date in high school up until them. He was a year older and went to a different school. It started with him texting me every day, then after a few weeks he showed up to my work on V-Day and brought a ridiculous amount of gifts (his propensity for outrageous gift-giving has completely ruined V-Day [can't even write it out], anniversaries, birthdays, and Christmas for me with guys. I HATE getting flowers and chocolates, and I never want to see another diamond again.) We started "officially" dating. At the time, I was a conservative Christian. More on that later.

After we had dated a week, he asked me to come over and hang out. I was naïve, so I did. I ended up alone with him. Of course it progressed further than I wanted it to. I was shocked, I was uncomfortable, and he just kept saying, "Come on, you'll like it." In my mind, I had brought myself here, so it wasn't his fault, I mean, what did I think would happen? After he made it to "third base" I cut him off, majorly uncomfortable, lying and saying I was hungry and needed to go home. He laughed at me, and I felt like a stupid little kid.

Over time, he kept pushing me further. It was so long ago, I don't remember why I let it continue. I wanted him to like me? I didn't feel abused? It was my own fault? I don't know. And I felt guilty and worthless and couldn't look my mother in the eye for months. He encouraged these feelings in subtle ways, convincing me that because I had already gone so far, nothing else could hurt. He started instructing me on how I "should" be keeping my body (he made it sound like every woman in the world walks around with a perfect Brazilian at all times). I felt like crap. I started to hate my body in ways that I never had before.

I wouldn't have intercourse with him. I absolutely wouldn't. In this way, I convinced myself that I was in control, that this was my choice. There was once that he acted incredulous that I had never drank alcohol before. He happened to have a bottle of whiskey handy, and dared me to try some. I was curious (and naïve) so I did. I laughed and said I couldn't feel it. So he gave me more. And I woke up five hours later, remembering nothing. He told me a story about how I was a "lightweight" and just passed out. I utterly believed him. Again, naïve...willing to do anything to make excuses for him...I don't know. It's something I never thought much of because I conditioned myself to trust him about everything.

Almost a year after we were dating, he took my virginity (I still believed I was a virgin, even after the episode with the alcohol). I say took, because we were making out, and suddenly he just pinned me and did it. It was over so fast I couldn't process all the emotions that just crashed down on me. I completely froze. I had a bruise on my chest from his arm. I burst into tears and he hugged me, rubbed my back, seemed so perfectly concerned with the anguish I couldn't explain. He told me he was sorry, he thought I wanted it, he thought it was time, and he said "at least it's over with now." That's how much it was worth to him...

About eight weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. He told me abortion was the only option. He convinced me my family wouldn't love me if they found out. (This isn't true. My mother would have been sad, but she would have stood by me through anything.) I cried and cried, because I didn't believe in abortion. Then, I had a miscarriage. I can't even explain how that felt...it wasn't anything yet, a tiny bubble, nothing identifiable as a baby, but it crushed me. I felt that God had seen all of my sins and was condemning me as unfit to be a mother. I panicked and thought maybe I could never have children. I never saw a doctor, and I never spoke of it to anyone but to him. He responded, "Good, saves me a few hundred bucks." I stayed silent. And I stayed with him for another three years.

I thought about leaving him so many times, and I always became overwhelmed with a panic I can't explain. I felt that I couldn't possibly live my life without him. He spent so much time telling me who I was, what I was, what I was capable of (more often, what I wasn't capable of) and for some unknown ******* reason, I believed him. I went through the worst depression of my life, and a complete identity crisis, because I couldn't reconcile who I had become and the things I had done with my belief in the Christian God. The relationship literally ripped me apart.

I used to be a girl who believed in fairy-tale romance, who wanted a house with a man she loved and lots of happy babies and church on Sundays. Now I'm a proud atheist, feminist, openly bisexual individual who is terrified of true commitment, completely wary of marriage, and I'm determined to live my life for me: nobody will ever control me that way ever again. I am okay with just myself now, and that's how I can be in a healthy relationship: I don't need him to feel like I'm worth something. I'm satisfied with who I am.

What I can't get over and can't figure out is the ANGER and the HURT that are still pulsing through me. I feel such a fiery hatred for the guy who made me feel worthless. He used me until I was completely broken and then threw me out like trash (he dumped me over the phone on a random Tuesday after we had been together for four years, and that was it. No fights or anything leading up to it. Just...bam. I've used you for all you're worth. Best thing that ever happened to me.) I don't want to waste energy hating someone that I never plan to see again. I don't want to have dreams remembering what he did and how I felt. I don't want to come up with secret plots to kill him (just kidding...sort of). I just want to move past it and be happy. How do I do that?

There's also the bitter hurt of knowing that I TRIED to tell my family about this at last Christmas. It's been weighing on me so long, and I TRIED to talk about it. My siblings got angry and accused me of only wanting attention. I ended up having such a severe panic attack that I ended up in the hospital, and now I never want to try with them again. Nobody has brought up what I said since.

I feel like I'm completely alone in the universe with this. I feel like he got away with all of it. I feel like I'm being erased.

[MobiusPsyche]

Just letting you know that I heard your story. I'm sorry for all you went through.

I'm here for you…

This is horrifying… I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you more than this. I wish you didn't have to be alone. I know I'm just some random person on the internet… but this really hit me… I care about you… If you want to talk more about this I'm listening. Also this isn't my business but I kind of hope you didn't become an atheist because you blame God for all of this.

((((many hugs and prayers)))))

I hear you. Hugs.

[Rayne Selene]

Thank you so much. You have no idea how much it means to me just that someone KNOWS. I've had this compulsive need to write since I was a little girl, and tonight I was writing as usual when I finally put my finger on it--it's a desperate need to leave something in the world to prove that I was here. And then I started thinking about this experience, and how no one would ever know, and I started panicking, and I just needed to put it on here. And no, I didn'g become atheist because I blamed God, at all. In this entire journey the only person I ever blamed was myself.

[MobiusPsyche]

I think the way to start to heal is to forgive yourself. In a deep and thoughtful way.

Yes this isn't your fault.

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by DaX15

I'm here for you…

This is horrifying… I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you more than this. I wish you didn't have to be alone. I know I'm just some random person on the internet… but this really hit me… I care about you… If you want to talk more about this I'm listening. Also this isn't my business but I kind of hope you didn't become an atheist because you blame God for all of this.

((((many hugs and prayers)))))

I just wanted to tell you, I've been re-reading this comment when I have a bad day, and it helps a lot. Thank you so much.

[TheDragon]

You are an amazing survivor Rayne Selene. It's incredibly brave of you to tell your story as is, and retelling the story is one of the first steps to healing.

You're not alone in your trauma. Many of us have suffered different abuses, but we're all here to try to heal and support one another.

Something that might help you along your journey is to find a counselor or therapist who specializes in trauma. That's helped me a lot.

Don't be silent. Keep telling your story. Remember; you're a survivor, still here and still trying and that is amazing.

[greentires4me]

its not your fault! have you ever thought of going to something like victum services and seeing if you can get some counselling?

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

I just wanted to tell you, I've been re-reading this comment when I have a bad day, and it helps a lot. Thank you so much.

This is so sweet!

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

I posted this a while ago, and I've wrestled with the idea of reposting it, because no one ever responded. It isn't that I want attention, I swear it isn't that. It's just that I have not talked about this to one single real person, ever. And I need to know that someone in the world, somewhere, knows what happened and cares, even if it's just a random person on the internet. I can't explain it. I feel like if someone doesn't know, then it's erased somehow, and it doesn't matter, because I'm doing "fine" now. So could someone please read it and let me know that they did? Please? I feel really stupid asking this.

Trigger warning: This is about my ex and what he put me through, including mention of sexual abuse and a miscarriage.

It's been two years since the relationship ended, and I thought that I was over all of it. But as I learned more, as I connected with other women (I had zero friends while dating him) I started to realize how much had happened to me. He dumped me in January of 2015, and the past couple of months have, for some reason, caused the things that happened to become really intrusive in my thoughts, dreams, and life...which I really don't understand. I'm with a guy who I care about, we've moved out of state together, and the relationship couldn't be more different than the one that I was in. I'm happy, and yet I'm not.

I did write about it in a journal, but I feel like I need to talk to a real person. I don't feel like I can really talk about it with my family, and even though I've sort of talked about it with my best friend, I'm having a hard time communicating how deeply this is hurting me right now. I can't understand why it's bothering me so much. It wasn't violent, it's over, I really don't understand.

We started dating when I was seventeen. I remember I didn't really like him too terribly much, and I didn't find him very attractive, but nobody else liked me and he pursued me more avidly than any guy had ever done before. I had had one date in high school up until them. He was a year older and went to a different school. It started with him texting me every day, then after a few weeks he showed up to my work on V-Day and brought a ridiculous amount of gifts (his propensity for outrageous gift-giving has completely ruined V-Day [can't even write it out], anniversaries, birthdays, and Christmas for me with guys. I HATE getting flowers and chocolates, and I never want to see another diamond again.) We started "officially" dating. At the time, I was a conservative Christian. More on that later.

After we had dated a week, he asked me to come over and hang out. I was naïve, so I did. I ended up alone with him. Of course it progressed further than I wanted it to. I was shocked, I was uncomfortable, and he just kept saying, "Come on, you'll like it." In my mind, I had brought myself here, so it wasn't his fault, I mean, what did I think would happen? After he made it to "third base" I cut him off, majorly uncomfortable, lying and saying I was hungry and needed to go home. He laughed at me, and I felt like a stupid little kid.

Over time, he kept pushing me further. It was so long ago, I don't remember why I let it continue. I wanted him to like me? I didn't feel abused? It was my own fault? I don't know. And I felt guilty and worthless and couldn't look my mother in the eye for months. He encouraged these feelings in subtle ways, convincing me that because I had already gone so far, nothing else could hurt. He started instructing me on how I "should" be keeping my body (he made it sound like every woman in the world walks around with a perfect Brazilian at all times). I felt like crap. I started to hate my body in ways that I never had before.

I wouldn't have intercourse with him. I absolutely wouldn't. In this way, I convinced myself that I was in control, that this was my choice. There was once that he acted incredulous that I had never drank alcohol before. He happened to have a bottle of whiskey handy, and dared me to try some. I was curious (and naïve) so I did. I laughed and said I couldn't feel it. So he gave me more. And I woke up five hours later, remembering nothing. He told me a story about how I was a "lightweight" and just passed out. I utterly believed him. Again, naïve...willing to do anything to make excuses for him...I don't know. It's something I never thought much of because I conditioned myself to trust him about everything.

Almost a year after we were dating, he took my virginity (I still believed I was a virgin, even after the episode with the alcohol). I say took, because we were making out, and suddenly he just pinned me and did it. It was over so fast I couldn't process all the emotions that just crashed down on me. I completely froze. I had a bruise on my chest from his arm. I burst into tears and he hugged me, rubbed my back, seemed so perfectly concerned with the anguish I couldn't explain. He told me he was sorry, he thought I wanted it, he thought it was time, and he said "at least it's over with now." That's how much it was worth to him...

About eight weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. He told me abortion was the only option. He convinced me my family wouldn't love me if they found out. (This isn't true. My mother would have been sad, but she would have stood by me through anything.) I cried and cried, because I didn't believe in abortion. Then, I had a miscarriage. I can't even explain how that felt...it wasn't anything yet, a tiny bubble, nothing identifiable as a baby, but it crushed me. I felt that God had seen all of my sins and was condemning me as unfit to be a mother. I panicked and thought maybe I could never have children. I never saw a doctor, and I never spoke of it to anyone but to him. He responded, "Good, saves me a few hundred bucks." I stayed silent. And I stayed with him for another three years.

I thought about leaving him so many times, and I always became overwhelmed with a panic I can't explain. I felt that I couldn't possibly live my life without him. He spent so much time telling me who I was, what I was, what I was capable of (more often, what I wasn't capable of) and for some unknown ******* reason, I believed him. I went through the worst depression of my life, and a complete identity crisis, because I couldn't reconcile who I had become and the things I had done with my belief in the Christian God. The relationship literally ripped me apart.

I used to be a girl who believed in fairy-tale romance, who wanted a house with a man she loved and lots of happy babies and church on Sundays. Now I'm a proud atheist, feminist, openly bisexual individual who is terrified of true commitment, completely wary of marriage, and I'm determined to live my life for me: nobody will ever control me that way ever again. I am okay with just myself now, and that's how I can be in a healthy relationship: I don't need him to feel like I'm worth something. I'm satisfied with who I am.

What I can't get over and can't figure out is the ANGER and the HURT that are still pulsing through me. I feel such a fiery hatred for the guy who made me feel worthless. He used me until I was completely broken and then threw me out like trash (he dumped me over the phone on a random Tuesday after we had been together for four years, and that was it. No fights or anything leading up to it. Just...bam. I've used you for all you're worth. Best thing that ever happened to me.) I don't want to waste energy hating someone that I never plan to see again. I don't want to have dreams remembering what he did and how I felt. I don't want to come up with secret plots to kill him (just kidding...sort of). I just want to move past it and be happy. How do I do that?

There's also the bitter hurt of knowing that I TRIED to tell my family about this at last Christmas. It's been weighing on me so long, and I TRIED to talk about it. My siblings got angry and accused me of only wanting attention. I ended up having such a severe panic attack that I ended up in the hospital, and now I never want to try with them again. Nobody has brought up what I said since.

I feel like I'm completely alone in the universe with this. I feel like he got away with all of it. I feel like I'm being erased.

So much of what you said I can identify with
- my first love (I eventually figured out) was emotionally abusive (which is what you went through)
- he coaxed me into having sex for the first time ... even tho it was something I was morally against
- he raped me
- i became pregnant by him when I was 17 and he was unsupportive in the end (but we planned the pregnancy)
- i fell away from my belief in God (even further than I already had after mom died when I was 12)
- i identified (for a time) as bisexual... but chose a fem/fem relationship for a couple years (that had originally started off as fem/fem/male) bc i no longer trusted men not to hurt me

I hear you and understand you. I too kept going around in circles in the healing process ... getting nowhere. Family refused to listen. Friends became non-existent as soon as I tried to talk to them. Counselors said "get over it". Meanwhile .. I am thinking ... "Somebody tell me how!!!"

A couple of years ago a counselor finally told me something that helped. She told me forgive him. Forgive anyone who has ever hurt you. No, don't say "it's ok you did that". It isn't. It never will be. Don't say "I understand why you did it." It isn't something you should try to understand. Don't do it for them - do it for you. Don't call them to do it. Don't talk face to face to do it. Don't email to do it. Write a letter ... but don't mail it ...ever.

When you write the letter - write it as if you will be sending it. Write down how you remember life being before things went bad -or whatever the incident was - then write in detail about the incident. Continue writing. Write how the incident made you feel while it was happening and directly after it happened and how it still affects you today. Then .. Tell the person what it is you need for them to say or do (or what you need to say or do to them) if you ever cross paths again in order to move on. Re-read what you have written from beginning to end. Read it til it no longer makes you hurt. Don't do it all in one day though. Stop writing or reading as soon as you feel the pain start overwhelming you and rest ... however long that needs to be ... a minute, an hour, a day, or a week. (try not to go past a week tho )Do that for anyone or any event that has ever hurt you (for example I had to write one to my mom because she died when I was 12 and one to my son because I was forced to give him up at birth). It is a long and arduous process but its worth it.

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

So much of what you said I can identify with
- my first love (I eventually figured out) was emotionally abusive (which is what you went through)
- he coaxed me into having sex for the first time ... even tho it was something I was morally against
- he raped me
- i became pregnant by him when I was 17 and he was unsupportive in the end (but we planned the pregnancy)
- i fell away from my belief in God (even further than I already had after mom died when I was 12)
- i identified (for a time) as bisexual... but chose a fem/fem relationship for a couple years (that had originally started off as fem/fem/male) bc i no longer trusted men not to hurt me

I hear you and understand you. I too kept going around in circles in the healing process ... getting nowhere. Family refused to listen. Friends became non-existent as soon as I tried to talk to them. Counselors said "get over it". Meanwhile .. I am thinking ... "Somebody tell me how!!!"

A couple of years ago a counselor finally told me something that helped. She told me forgive him. Forgive anyone who has ever hurt you. No, don't say "it's ok you did that". It isn't. It never will be. Don't say "I understand why you did it." It isn't something you should try to understand. Don't do it for them - do it for you. Don't call them to do it. Don't talk face to face to do it. Don't email to do it. Write a letter ... but don't mail it ...ever.

When you write the letter - write it as if you will be sending it. Write down how you remember life being before things went bad -or whatever the incident was - then write in detail about the incident. Continue writing. Write how the incident made you feel while it was happening and directly after it happened and how it still affects you today. Then .. Tell the person what it is you need for them to say or do (or what you need to say or do to them) if you ever cross paths again in order to move on. Re-read what you have written from beginning to end. Read it til it no longer makes you hurt. Don't do it all in one day though. Stop writing or reading as soon as you feel the pain start overwhelming you and rest ... however long that needs to be ... a minute, an hour, a day, or a week. (try not to go past a week tho )Do that for anyone or any event that has ever hurt you (for example I had to write one to my mom because she died when I was 12 and one to my son because I was forced to give him up at birth). It is a long and arduous process but its worth it.

I believe you that this is the best way to healing. I'm just really not sure I can handle it yet. I can't even picture his face without shuddering, and my entire body just...burns with anger whenever I think about him. I feel sick to think about it, sick that it happened, and I'm still in that stage where my brain just wants to erase it all I want to get to that point where I can forgive, and I think I will get there...writing about it has been a huge step and a tremendous help.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

I believe you that this is the best way to healing. I'm just really not sure I can handle it yet. I can't even picture his face without shuddering, and my entire body just...burns with anger whenever I think about him. I feel sick to think about it, sick that it happened, and I'm still in that stage where my brain just wants to erase it all I want to get to that point where I can forgive, and I think I will get there...writing about it has been a huge step and a tremendous help.

That's why you don't do it all in one sitting. The letter I wrote to my mom - took me a week to write, and all she "did" to hurt me was die. It took me a couple months of reading before I could move on.

You don't forgive in the way of say "yea it's ok you did this" or "yea it's ok it happened" or "yea i understand, no biggie". You forgive in the way of "yea, it happened - it's part of my past but it does not define me nor control me". It's a way of forgiving yourself as well as your abuser, because - let's face it - to some degree, we all blame ourselves even after the abuse is over, but it's also a way of letting go and letting yourself become stronger and move on. But it's up to you when to take that step - only you can decide. ❤

I wish you well in your journey!

Contact me anytime. ❤

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by greentires4me

its not your fault! have you ever thought of going to something like victum services and seeing if you can get some counselling?

I wouldn't know where to begin for this
Sorry, I just saw this comment. I don't know how I missed it.
I come back to this post from time to time when it's a bad day. Today was a bad day.

I just feel so alone. I wish I had friends that lived near me, or a pen pal to write letters to, or something. I'm seriously sitting alone in my living room crying. I don't know where to begin to make this go away. It'll feel better for a while, and I'll think I've finally moved on, when...bam. A day like today. And I end up binging on bologna sandwiches and sitting on my couch and crying. There has to be more to life than this :'(

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Here is a site you can try .. it has a section about victim services

https://www.rainn.org/about-rainn

It also has a chat portion that allows you to talk directly to counselors. It is a nationwide program used for rape, abuse, and incest. It can really be beneficial getting you started on finding your way.

[lowpoint]

Hey, uh...

I just wanted to say that I see you and somehow, I carry this weight along with you now. No one deserves to live that alone. I feel you deeply.

[Rayne Selene]

Originally Posted by lowpoint

Hey, uh...

I just wanted to say that I see you and somehow, I carry this weight along with you now. No one deserves to live that alone. I feel you deeply.

Thank you.
It means a lot to know that people know and care.

[broadwaylove]

I care. I'm giving you a virtual

[GreenBlueRed]

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

I wouldn't know where to begin for this
Sorry, I just saw this comment. I don't know how I missed it.
I come back to this post from time to time when it's a bad day. Today was a bad day.

I just feel so alone. I wish I had friends that lived near me, or a pen pal to write letters to, or something. I'm seriously sitting alone in my living room crying. I don't know where to begin to make this go away. It'll feel better for a while, and I'll think I've finally moved on, when...bam. A day like today. And I end up binging on bologna sandwiches and sitting on my couch and crying. There has to be more to life than this :'(

I know that burning anger you are talking about, and the hurt of feeling someone has taken part of you away that you will not get back.

It hasn't ended for me, so I don't have advice for it. I have just accepted that I will go through spells where I remember, and cry, and try to come to some new understanding, but it will eventually cycle through again. It is sort of like the hurt is in a box, and I take it out and look at every so often. It won't disappear, it just goes back into the box. What keeps me sane is that there is a place for it, tucked away, apart from my daily life.

I read your story. You are saying important things. You deserve to be heard.

Someone I know wrote her story to give to members of her church, and then she gave it to me and some others. It was her way of getting some closure on her experiences, connecting with her peers spiritually, and she also hoped it would help people struggling with their past like we are. Of course, she is much more bold, but maybe you could write just one family member or friend, or even your current partner, like you wrote to this forum.

I do have to say though: your choice of binging food is excellent and makes me want to hang out with you.