[topherlee75]

Geez this is going to be a hell of a ramble and please forgive me if there are triggers here I am doing this off of my phone.

So I've recently come to terms with the fact I was abused during my childhood and some of that was sexual in nature, which I have yet to fully come to grips with. Abuse was a lot physical, mostly emotional. A lot of neglected and abandonment.

I used to be a very standoffish person in relationships, self sabotaging in a way that I would run them off by being mean.

I'm in a relationship now that I'm self sabotaging by being stupid clingy and I am overthinking EVERYTHING. We have discussed not having sex, she moved in with me kinda quick so that was cool. We are waiting.

But we had some cuddling and kissing. I knew she had some issues with it but we had a little, but after we moved in, it we completely away. I'd go to snuggle with her and she would pull away. Saying just having problems sleeping. It triggered my abandonment and I told her this, and now she is in the spare room, I felt this was better but I miss her in the room. It feel empty. I've told her that.

She won't talk to me. Tells me to stop over thinking things. To just let things go naturally. I kinda feel used and neglected. She does clean and cook. That's nice. But. I'm still alone and doing everything else myself. And I really need someone to talk to and someone close. I've never been a needy person and all of a sudden I'm this crazy needy guy. I crave touch. Bad.

Dammit I'm cycling again.