[SomethingWitty]

I'm a guy, 22, and I know the stigma around abuse means it gets buried. Especially with males, and especially with incest. Just the word sounds dirty. But I think my dad abused me when I was younger. This subreddit offers me a chance to just vent without any backlash (hopefully). Just as a warning ⚠️ , this story is intense, upsetting and can only be told using a wall of text which I apologise for!

I grew up with lots of mental health issues: depression, suicide attempts, anxiety, agoraphobia etc. I was afraid of everyone and everything. My dad was never there since he worked as CEO, but when he was there he was cold and dismissive and never seemed to want anything to do with me. The family was all about keeping up appearances even though behind the scenes everyone was ****ing miserable.

There were so many arguments about cleaning that escalated and my dad never intervened when there were huge problems with me and my sister. My sister had a phase of her own where she got black out drunk and I think was sleeping around and doing drugs at age 13-15. She got in the wrong crowd, and I still don't know the full details. I do remember my mum smashing my sisters phone with a hammer and them both grappling each other. I had to pull my mum off her as she was choking her in the garden.

My dad then retired when I was about 16, so he was around the house more often. He would check up on me constantly and I feel like I had to ask which room to go to. He would barge in when I was in the shower nearly every time I was in there. He would also watch me by sitting directly opposite the outdoor room which you can see from the kitchen.

He also spent a lot of time away from the house even when he was retired to 'play golf'. He did this every day and would be away until dinner. Then my parents sat in separate rooms til bedtime. My mum never questioned what he was doing.

One day before I went off to college, and it was just me and dad in the house, I found a random guy sat at the kitchen table. Apparently he was there to 'do a survey' but the atmosphere was uncomfortable and weird.

My dad also used to take me out to dinner on my own which was just insanely uncomfortable. This is the same as when I was a child; he would take me out on walks at night and vent to me about mum and all her faults. He seemed to like using me as a surrogate for a partner which is ****ed up.

I ignored a lot of this but I was going insane in that house. Other incidents occurred like him putting his hand on my leg under the table in a 'caressing' way. He would get uncomfortably close to me too and was leery.

I couldn't keep this to myself when I went up to see his parents by myself. All of this was swirling around in my mind and I remembered that I had to sleep in the same bed as him when I was younger and we stayed at his parents. I immediately thought something happened.

It came out in an argument when I said I was having these thoughts and the reaction was obviously negative. He called me evil, manipulative and accused me of trying to destroy the family. Later on when I spoke to him alone he said: 'you don't deserve an explanation' and 'let's pretend it didn't happen'. That last statement freaked me out because he looked me straight in the eyes as he said it in a sort of imploring way. He would also say vaguely threatening thinks like 'whatever happens I'll always be your father' and told me I should be afraid of him. He would also stare at me and lick his lips slowly which creeped me the **** out. I told him it makes me uncomfortable so he does it on purpose.

Then a shitstorm ensued. They co-opted my mental health team and had me housed in supported living, and I was moved place to place because I argued with staff and told them I didn't need to be there. My parents talked **** to them about me and pulled ridiculous stunts like recording my phone calls for staff to listen to. I was put in a psych ward due to homelessness (mental health have a duty of care; you may think I'm just crazy, but my problems were anxiety and depression). I lost all credibility at that point and my parents refused to have me back even though they were two minutes away. I was doing my ****ing a levels.

To spite them, I carried on studying, did the exams and somehow pulled off being accepted to Exeter university to study maths. I had a year beforehand after the exams where I was just broken and defeated. I was shunned by the community and was suicidal. I gathered drugs like Xanax, oxycodone and GHB in an attempt to overdose. It obviously didn't work (although I came close), and an addiction to Valium and experimentation with other drugs too. The night before I had to go to uni I k-holed...I was a ****ing mess and in no fit state for uni. I hated seeing the features I inherited from him when I look in the mirror, I hate the fact I share the same DNA as him and I feel dirty and disgusting.

I flunked uni because of drugs and generally not giving a **** about my life. I told my mental health worker I couldn't cope and didn't want to be housed in my town again. That turned out to be a mistake; now I'm quite far away from my parents in a town I don't know and a heroin addict next door who begs for money. I'm too afraid to leave my room most of the time and my parents have spoken to the manager on the phone to tell them what a nasty **** I am.

That is the state of my life. Somehow I managed to defer my uni place but I'm still a walking disaster. And the root cause of all this suffering is my father.

[nicoleflynn]

You may want to consider seeing a mental health professional.

[SomethingWitty]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

You may want to consider seeing a mental health professional.

I have been in mental health since I was about 13, and I can take responsibility for some of my terrible choices too. I chose to use drugs after all. And I can understand if people come away from reading this thinking I'm mental/evil or both but in reality I was just scared and overwhelmed by those thoughts.

[Amyjay]

No, not at all. You are not mental or evil.