[bobmike]

So,

I am 35-year-old male who just ended his relationship by I guess self-sabotage.

I grew up in family with emotionally distanced father that had no real connection
with my mother (they are still married), they were never for each other but they had kids,
and fight and never do anything but work and bring food on table, no trips, no vacations, nothing that would teach me how to behave in committed relationship.

We lived in SMALL village and I was youngest kid, I was kind of kid that you could reason with, I would not set home on fire, I wound not break something for a fun of it, and I was trusting and naïve, trait that is still following me.

Somewhere between age 5,6 to age 12,13 I was sexually abused by two boys from my village (5 – 9 one, 9 – 13 other), did they know what other one is doing I don’t know. As I was trusting and child that you can reason with I didn’t say nothing to no one. I was exposed to porn very early and I even thought that I was gay in some period of my early teens but when I found out that I’m not, and I’m interested in girls I started to avoid them and had no more contact with them and everything stopped.

My high school years where not so good, I chipped my front tooth by accident, I had bad teeth altogether since my parents didn’t care that much of it and I was kind of outcast, not super smart but smart enough to get semi good grades and be bad student, and rebellious and had no luck with girls since I had bad teeth (I was actually told that as a reason once) and maybe girls sensed that something is wrong with me…

I managed to finish high-school, on my mother insisting (now I’m thankful for that) I went to community colleague where got a Batchelor degree in IT and I’m now having nice job and good pay.

On colleague, girls where still issue, I could not talk cool, or I was too eager or I tried to get one out of my league, I had low self-esteem and in one period of time I was, now I think, really depressed, borderline suicidal.

On last year of colleague, I met now my ex-girlfriend and we hit of pretty well, started dating, she was virgin, I was also virgin at least when it comes to sex with girls, I didn’t push or rush and we finally had sex and started getting serious.

In the begging, it was sex all the time, wherever, in every moment when we had some space and means and I like it a lot and I thought that she was a ONE girl.
As I relationship grew so did my self-esteem, on second year of our relationship I had slip, I made out with some random girl in some bar over the summer (because I finally had the “game”, I’m an idiot), I stopped when I realised what I was doing and then issues started.

I was obsessing about thing I done and felt like crap and started analysing her, me, relationship and I started to notice that we don’t share that much in common. But still we had great sex and since it was rising my self-esteem I stayed, didn’t broke up with her because I was afraid of being alone, it seems that I was protecting my “high” self-esteem.
She started to pick up that something is wrong and after a year of that incident I told her and that crushed her.
I told her because I naively thought that I should do that, right thing and all of that crap, now I know that we should broke up then.

She “managed” to put it aside, we started living together, and we shared little in common, I saw even then but because of my guilt and she is giving me a second chance and I taught that I deserve every scorn and punishment so I stayed.

She had her own baggage, lost her father when she was young, middle child that was most serious of all kids. And it’s not fair to talk about her problems. In short, she had anger issues.

She started to have jealous fits, she never checked my phone or email, but I was always under suspicion, every girl was a threat and we often fight.
In one period in time she could not hold of some steady good job and that was destroying her, plus thing that I did her anger fits, usually PMS time started to be more often, she is one of those girls that can lost it completely when in PMS, and I ever mentioned that she would label me as one of those guys.
In 90% of fights I would back down and take all of it and wait it to pass. And I was made sure by her that I never forgot my slip. Once he attacked me for looking at some girl, I her defence I did look at her (now we finally come to root of the problem), after hours of fighting I told her that I was molested as I child, that she was only girl that I been with and that I look at other girls as way to prove that I’m a MAN and not gay. She reacted badly, broke down in tears, throw up and said something in lines: “How she going to live with that.”

We stayed together but our sex started to happen less and less, not right away but in couple of years. She requested me to help her around our flat, cooking, cleaning, Cosmo things. I did that but still no improvement, she again could not hold on decent job and was really down so I decided not to push her, leave it as it is and then porn returned to my life.

I started to watch porn not often but often enough just to compensate for not having enough sex for my libido.

I started to behave as my father did, bring in pay check, pay bills and that is my part. For most of our living together, some 10 years I was one who was paying all the bills and rent and I start to resent her when she used arguments like: you don’t respect me, you don’t help me enough, you take me for granted and so on. Now I see she was right, bringing in pay check is not enough, but problem is that we were not compatible, but we pushed on still.

Couple a days ago we got into argument, stress for work triggered her anger and I finally said its done, this was a first time I said that it was done, she did it couple of times just to back up what she said. I packed my thing and left, couple hours later she called me to come back so I did.

Last night I picked he up from her work, we came home she turn on PC just to see porn that I was watching that day that I forgot to close.

And fight again, I tried to reason, tried to shift blame, honestly, I was JERK I didn’t stand as a man to take consequences I tried to put the blame on her, she saw right through me and at the end I said, yup, this is the end, I’m a jerk and I have issues.

I never looked for professional help, I thought that I was strong enough to deal with all the crap that I had in my life but at the end of it all, it seems that I’m not.

My ex has here share of issues but she didn’t deserve to be 15 years with someone who didn’t fixed his issues. If I had fixed them I would probably be a man and broke up, like regular couples do it they don’t fit each other.

Now I’m in position where I still have issues, I was dishonest to her, lead her on, hurt her…

Whole of my file I was angry that I was abused as a child, I always expected from life to bring me things served nicely on silver plate because thigs that happen to me. But again, if good things happen to me I always find the way to bring myself down and convice myself that I didn’t deserve it.

I was angry that someone did bad thing to me and 30 years later I hurt someone else that did not deserve it.

I hate person that I become, lying, manipulative, dishonest. I love my ex but not in the way to marry her, have kids, we don’t share same interest.
I’m not only one to blame, it takes two for tango but I feel that this ones on me.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, this was a rant but I don’t what to do.

I don’t want to be this kind of man, I don’t want to hurt people I want fix me.

I’m deeply sad and pathetic individual.

This porn that I left on PC was probably my subconscious doing so that I finally can face myself as I am, troubled person with lots of issues and problems.

For last year I was thinking to get some counselling, but just thinking, I dint tell her that.
Since I drive to work and back for almost 2 hours (for last 3 years) I had too much time to think about things, I found myself fantasizing about being with someone else, about suicide, how would things be different if I was free.

Now I’m free, I will stay free but I’m a mess, good for no one.

P.S. English is not my native language, sorry

You need some counselling
You are a deep thinker and you feel guilt and shame yet you try to understand the deep issues. I can only imagine how difficult it is. I hope you get a therapist or counselor to help you!