[starryprince]

Hey everyone. Hope everyone is having a good day. ❤

I've written on here about my grandma before. Things have taken a weird turn, but for the better (I say this reluctantly). My grandma is getting older. Up until last year she was still an aggressive person who I couldn't even talk to because if you give her an inch, she takes a yard. Meaning that when you finally get comfortable with her when she's being nice, she immediately switches back to being a devil's advocate and aggressive.

However, I've noticed that for the past couple of months, that aggressiveness is pretty much gone (I also say this reluctantly), or at the very least she's trying her best to conceal it. She almost seems afraid to talk to me and she gives me my space. When she does try to talk to me, it feels like she's treading lightly.

She's my grandmother so I still respect her, I reply nicely when she tries to talk to me. I will ask her if her health is good from time to time, since it's easy to tell if something's up since we live together.

Maybe I'm the problem here or maybe I'm overcomplicating things. But I don't know what to think of this. The problem is that I feel incredibly guilty for trying my best to stick to myself. I stay in my room because I don't want to talk to her because, like I said above, if you start to get comfortable again she reverts back to her old self. I feel horrible because I'm not interested in strengthening our relationship. She was abusive to my mom and my aunt, to me, even to my cat, to the point where my cat would hide from her and tremble when my grandma walked near her (she was physically abusive to my cat but I was a kid and couldn't do anything until I got older, and when I did protect my cat my grandma would get angry at me). On top of all of that, she is homophobic and thinks that all of the abuse I've gotten has been my fault.

Even though she's done these things (and more), I feel so guilty for not wanting to pursue a deeper relationship with her. I will admit that I'm scared too, because the few times she's tried to be nice in the past and I let my guard down, I had to immediately put it up again because she said something out of line.

I figured if she's trying to be nice, the least I can do is return the favor...But that has happened before and I regretted it. I guess I just answered my own question, heh. But I'm still confused and this guilt is bothering me very much.

Have any of your abusers had a change of heart (or looked like they had a change of heart) that made you confused as to how to act? Do you think an abuser can even change, especially if they've been abusive for pretty much your whole life and even were abusive for your parent's whole life? What would you do if they appeared nicer and was confused whether they were being genuine or not?

[reb569]

In my experience, abusers never really change, but that said, that's just my experience. I would be cautious. You can communicate and be pleasant with her without letting your guard down.

Is there any way you can move out?

[benzenering]

I'm with reb569...my abuser could be nice, too. Until he wasn't. Second the suggestion of moving somewhere else, another relative perhaps? Roommate?

[nicoleflynn]

"guard your heart, until you see sustained change."

I believe that people are capable of changing their ways. Commit a crime, serve your time.
It is not easy to forgive, we are programmed to survive, at all costs so anger can drive you but ultimately it is destructive. In my case anyway.
When I broke up from a very volatile seven year relationship it was messy. I thought I would run and never look back.

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by reb569

In my experience, abusers never really change, but that said, that's just my experience. I would be cautious. You can communicate and be pleasant with her without letting your guard down.

Is there any way you can move out?

Originally Posted by benzenering

I'm with reb569...my abuser could be nice, too. Until he wasn't. Second the suggestion of moving somewhere else, another relative perhaps? Roommate?

I'm currently looking for a job so I can save up money and move out. It's a lot easier said than done, tho. It's so hard to find a job now. I'm in a weird place. I have the educational requirements but not the experience since I went straight from high school to college to grad school and now entry level jobs require you to have a couple years of experience. It's messy. And I definitely see both of your point of views. It makes a lot of sense. I'm not sure if abusers can change either. It's one thing if they're young and still the way they are. There's hope. But when they're old like my grandma, in their 80s? I'm not sure.

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

"guard your heart, until you see sustained change."

This quote is very good for my situation. I have to keep this in mind. Thank you!

Originally Posted by SapphireRed

I believe that people are capable of changing their ways. Commit a crime, serve your time.
It is not easy to forgive, we are programmed to survive, at all costs so anger can drive you but ultimately it is destructive. In my case anyway.
When I broke up from a very volatile seven year relationship it was messy. I thought I would run and never look back.

I believe they're capable of changing their ways too-IF they understand what they did was wrong. I did my externship in a facility that provided alternatives to individuals who either came out of prison or were on probabtion/parole. Very few individuals that I saw expressed genuine remorse for their crimes and they tried very hard to find a job, go to school, and turn their lives around. One guy who went through the same trauma I did at the same age said he deeply regretted his actions and, with therapy, he understood that he was wrong but that he can live a good life. However, many other individuals blamed their victims and society for their own actions.

The difference with these individuals was that they were still young. As I stated before, age makes a big difference. If you're an old person and you still exhibit the same abusive characteristics up until recently and you're trying to be nice at the same time...I'm honestly not sure what to believe.

I mean, no offense but you sort of said it yourself. You broke away from a relationship that didn't seem to be a good one. Did you stick around to see if things would change? Did you go back? Your last statement confused me, I'm sorry.

Originally Posted by starryprince

I'm currently looking for a job so I can save up money and move out. It's a lot easier said than done, tho. It's so hard to find a job now. I'm in a weird place. I have the educational requirements but not the experience since I went straight from high school to college to grad school and now entry level jobs require you to have a couple years of experience. It's messy. And I definitely see both of your point of views. It makes a lot of sense. I'm not sure if abusers can change either. It's one thing if they're young and still the way they are. There's hope. But when they're old like my grandma, in their 80s? I'm not sure.


This quote is very good for my situation. I have to keep this in mind. Thank you!


I believe they're capable of changing their ways too-IF they understand what they did was wrong. I did my externship in a facility that provided alternatives to individuals who either came out of prison or were on probabtion/parole. Very few individuals that I saw expressed genuine remorse for their crimes and they tried very hard to find a job, go to school, and turn their lives around. One guy who went through the same trauma I did at the same age said he deeply regretted his actions and, with therapy, he understood that he was wrong but that he can live a good life. However, many other individuals blamed their victims and society for their own actions.

The difference with these individuals was that they were still young. As I stated before, age makes a big difference. If you're an old person and you still exhibit the same abusive characteristics up until recently and you're trying to be nice at the same time...I'm honestly not sure what to believe.

I mean, no offense but you sort of said it yourself. You broke away from a relationship that didn't seem to be a good one. Did you stick around to see if things would change? Did you go back? Your last statement confused me, I'm sorry.

Well I should have read the warning signs to begin with. He was nice to begin with buying me gifts all the time. But he would call me strange names, like a little schoolboy taunting a girl he really likes.
His mum encouraged him to visit me in hospital. Otherwise it would have ended. But he was the only constant in my life. But he went about his usual business even when I told him I couldn't take feeling the way I did anymore, and all I thought about was ending it. He just shrugged it off. The aftermath of my hospitalisation was excruciating. I could barely keep my eyes open during day. Following a film was a trial. My life was empty and meaningless. If I didn't leave a job, I was sacked.
When I got a stable job, we moved in together. He was still aggressive and possessive. I thought he might change. I was tired of feeling like no matter what happened or who's fault it was I was always the problem and one who needed help. I was on a med that lifted my mood and was coping better also taking some herbal depression remedies that helped serotonin so I was all right.