[Onward2wards]

I have no idea where to post this, but I need to share it.

It just now struck me - and I cannot deny the truth - all my adult life, I have subconsciously been trying to prove my worth to people from my past who treated me, people I cared about, and everything I stand for, with utter contempt.

I think I need to throw up. I can't "unsee" the truth anymore.

Do you know why I did this? Because I honestly believed deep down that they are just plain better than I at achieving the things I always valued ... they just always treated the precious things with equal contempt and derision. They are also very, very good at inducing shame. You know what? They can all just go to Hell. I owe them nothing anymore.

Now I know - in part anyway - why I seem to put people on a "desirability" pedestal I can never climb because I am inadequate and unworthy for everything and everyone I love, or else a power pedestal I am terrified of and cower before. The oddest thing is, this doesn't feel "personal" really .. it's just "the way life is" kind of thing.

I'm damn well climbing that first pedestal, because I am NOT the loser I thought I was, and as for the second ... that &^%$#@ is coming down.



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I feel extremely awkward posting this. This isn't some all-consuming hangup that drives x% of my behaviors, but there's definitely an element of it there. Funny thing is, I can only "see" it when I'm feeling really stressed. The rest of the time it's just hanging around like a weak link, ready to snap when I least need the drama, just beyond my everyday awareness. idk why it's hard to pick out from the "background noise" of the daily thoughts I guess we all have. Is it normal to feel a drive to stuff it and deny it's even there, like I do right now?

[Amyjay]

You put an angry frown and I get it but I just want to cheer for you.

[Shazerac]

Wow maybe throwing up would actually help. That is some trememdous insight! I'm happy for you