[Lunabear1]

I honestly can't really tell you how I got to this point.. I will try to make this as brief as possible. I have a fiance that verbally abuses me and has physically abused me in the past before as well. This weekend wasn't good. Friday night he drank so much.. on Saturday he slept in until 6pm. Sunday at 1:30 we are on the way to the park with our 12 month old baby girl and he says we have to turn around because he's not ok mentally . I ask him if he needs to go to hospital and he says no. He says he's having suicidal thoughts, I ask why? He says it's me. Honestly this happens alot...he drinks and can't stop drinking and sleeps the whole weekend and doesn't help me and the baby with anything. I confronted him about it , said he needed to talk to someone , that my baby and I don't deserve this. He turned on me and says "you have it so easy here" "you get to stay home with the baby " tonight he calls me a fat ***** when holding our baby , and says my family doesn't care about you . "You don't have a pot to piss in". The truth is I gave up my good paying job to take care of our baby . I have a bachelor's degree in music , but he belittles me and tells me it's worthless. I'll date someone else he says .. honestly I'm so hurt I can't speak , why would he say anything like this to me?? He says it's me?? I don't ever see him. I do everything for him, all the housework, Dr appts, bills, grocery shopping . He doesn't appreciate me at all. The horrible thing is I love him and I forgive him in my heart . He needs help but he doesn't think he has a problem . I'm torn to pieces and I hold my little baby just crying...I try so hard for her not to notice me crying. I feel worthless

[NP_Complete]

I feel for you LB. I've been there minus the baby.

Do you have a therapist? If not, please consider finding one. If you can't afford one, go to your local domestic violence agency and start getting the support you need to keep yourself and your baby safe. I go to both an individual therapist and a DV therapy group and they were so, so helpful to me while I was in the middle of it. You need support from people who understand. The friends I tried to share with said some very hurtful and unhelpful things to me. I feel completely supported by the women in my group though.

ETA: This DV agency appears to be somewhat near your location: https://www.wccky.org/survivor-services/

Books. These books were very helpful and shouldn't be too hard to find in a library or used. There are others, but these two are a good start.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

Don't marry him. I married my abuser after 20 years together and it's something I deeply regret. I know you love him. I get that. I truly do. But he's not going to change. If you don't like the way he treats you now, it's not going to get any better because you marry him. It might get worse.

Get some legal help. Since you're not married and have a baby, try to talk to a lawyer so you can protect yourself financially. Your local DV agency should be able to help you find something you can afford.

I hope you can find a way through this. I've been with my abuser for 27 years and most of it was verbal and emotional abuse. I've really been damaged by what's happened to me. I feel worthless too. I get the impression that you're young. Please don't waste your life with this man who makes you feel so bad about yourself like I did.