[ohno22]

I've never felt this way towards anyone. Not ever.
I stay in good terms with everyone that's been a part of my life and even in friendships.
Even some people that hurt me, I forgave them and I can have a nice chat with them without bad feelings, even if I don't want them in my life anymore.

I've been sexually abused as a child, but I healed until I feel again for my ex what I felt in my childhood.
With my ex, even it's been many years since we broke up, I still cringe when I see him. I forgave him, but I dislike him so much. I can see him just once a year by accident, but I still feel so much disgust that I literally want to start running away from him heading the opposite direction from him.
I despise him so much. I even get panic attack when I see him, it's like I'm afraid of him. I even avoid places where I could see him.
I can't move in another town just because I'm afraid I might see him here. I don't think I'm paranoid since he really is a psychopath so I'm afraid he might stalk me. I'm just being careful although he isn't doing anything and we're not in contact. It's like I can't believe he let me go. He did, thank god, but I can't believe since it's not typically him.

He abused me emotionally and other wise and I moved on. I don't want to have anything with him.
But why can't I feel indifference and peace? Why all this negative emotions in me after so much time has passed? What does it mean? How can I heal?

[NP_Complete]

Are you seeing a therapist? I would start by seeing a therapist and telling them your story. They can help you start to heal.

[Fuzzybear]

A good therapist could help...