[Kruick]

Gaslighting, what is it? Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists(sociopaths) to instill in their victims a sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own perception, judgement and memory. It is indeed brainwashing.

The goal is to seek out the victims mental equilibrium, self-confidence and self-esteem so they are no longer able to function in an independent way as the victim is left completely dependent on the abuse for their sense of reality, and this is where narcissists thrive. Information is often withheld or misinformation is given to lead their victims down the wrong path.

Once you understand the behavior characteristics of narcissists, they are easy to tell. They work in 3 stages.

Idealization stage. This is where you meet Mr. Hyde or Ms. Hyde. They are charming, charismatic and can emulate affection. This is the game to them. Victims are known to experience biochemical changes in the body and brain which release endorphins to make the victim feel the sense of euphoria in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. This euphoria is easily confused for being head over heels in love.

Devaluation Stage. The narcissist's caring words turn cold and dead with criticism. The victim is devalued at every turn they make. The entire relationship is a roller coaster ride due to the narcissist putting enough bait on the hook to keep you. The more you defend yourself to them, the more it feeds the narcissistic efo. They thrive on the victims reactions and are aware fully of what they are doing. "I never said that!" When just moments before they said it. The victims then work that much harder to win their abusers approval which is never acknowledged, all the way up until...

Discard Phase. The sudden change. You and everything you have done is treated like it was nothing. The victims completely shattered by the rejection. The victim fights to save the dying relationship, feeding the narcissistic ego one more time before they go find their next victim. The victim has become worthless and inferior to them or they have outlived their usefulness.

There is one common trait among us who were abused psychologically, we have all let other people tell us what to feel about ourselves.

Why does anyone believe anything? Because their parents told them is actually the very first reason an individual believes something. This goes on and on trough school where teachers and books tell you what to believe. At some point this individual has to learn to believe what they know to be true and not what they have been told to believe their whole life. That some would consider to be the time a child grows up to be an independent adult.

This is the goal of real parenting is it not? Why doesn't anyone teach it? Because nobody wants to go to behavioral therapy. The name gives it a bad rap, it's not really that bad and it doesn't mean you don't know how to act.

You know you have a good heart and hurt for others. You find yourself in these situations and you don't know how to respond and regularly think of what to say after the fact. Behavioral Therapy, at least the class I went through, took away my need for timeouts, and have been able to handle really bad situations with a relatively calm voice.

I have been a gaslighting victim since I was a toddler. My adopted mother told me I was mentally ill because I acted out. I was never told why I was being punished. They were Christians so I never doubted them to be my abuser until I realized my mother and girlfriend had the same behavior patterns. All the way down to getting in trouble for stuff I was told to do.

After being so close to narcissists all these years hearing the denial from my mother and brother, I do believe that for them at least, the narcissism is undiagnosed Aspergers.

Beware, if you feel you are in a relationship right now like this, do not confront your abuser. Be careful to judge the person you are taking to about this. If you are in doubt, ask your therapist to describe how they would feel in a made up situation. If they can not elaborate on it, they have no empathy at all and will compound your trauma, if it hasn't already resulted in PTSD.

Behavioral Therapy, it's the only way forward.

[Kruick]

Seriously though, who could abuse another human except for a narcissist.

[rainbow in the dark]

Thanks for the info. It helped me and I appreciate it. It sounds like you are dealing with it well. Stay strong!

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by Kruick

Seriously though, who could abuse another human except for a narcissist.

Unfortunately there are many different types of people who abuse others.

[sabby]

Kruick, it sucks to be gaslighted, there is no doubt and I'm sorry you've been through that.

Maybe in your case autism may be part of the picture but please don't suggest that anyone who gaslights another or has no empathy is autistic. The two are not hand in hand with one another and stating so in a most arbitrary and generalized way is unsupportive and inappropriate.

[Aquasea]

Thank you Kruick for this post. I too am a victim. My gaslighter found many others to join his cult and they formed the most horrendous plot against me.
It is one of THE worst things I have ever experienced. I wish I never met him or any of the others who joined together against me. I am devastated. I have no one to talk to about it. He has successfully isolated me from everyone but maybe I don't want to talk to hypocrites either. People who are so low on the intelligence pole that they are still taking orders from a two-bit gaslighter.

They will all have to face what they did to me some day. KARMA will get them and then they will know the pain they caused me. One day they will know what pain is. for now they just laugh at inflicting pain. I wish I had someone to help me but that is why he targeted me. He knew no one would stand up for me. I was a fool.

I am barely surviving. That's all.

[dlantern]

Great bit of info. I am reminded that the past is the past. In my phase of the journey I understand that I will never really get any true forgiveness started by holding on to the idea of it, shouldn't have never happened because you can't right a wrong in the future of it just isn't possible.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by dlantern

Great bit of info. I am reminded that the past is the past. In my phase of the journey I understand that I will never really get any true forgiveness started by holding on to the idea of it, shouldn't have never happened because you can't right a wrong in the future of it just isn't possible.

In my experience sometimes struggling to forgive the unforgivable is more stressful than helpful. For a long time I gave up on it altogether because failing to do so just gave me one more thing to beat myself up about.

As my healing journey continued, I finally found more peace. I think now I'm at the "I forgive, but I'm not gonna forget, and I'm not gonna be around the abusers" phase.

Although sometimes I go to a place of "screw the abusers! They're in their own private hell anyway." I think that's anger talking. It's not a linear process.

[lilclassicbeauty]

Originally Posted by Kruick

Gaslighting, what is it? Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists(sociopaths) to instill in their victims a sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own perception, judgement and memory. It is indeed brainwashing.

The goal is to seek out the victims mental equilibrium, self-confidence and self-esteem so they are no longer able to function in an independent way as the victim is left completely dependent on the abuse for their sense of reality, and this is where narcissists thrive. Information is often withheld or misinformation is given to lead their victims down the wrong path.

Once you understand the behavior characteristics of narcissists, they are easy to tell. They work in 3 stages.

Idealization stage. This is where you meet Mr. Hyde or Ms. Hyde. They are charming, charismatic and can emulate affection. This is the game to them. Victims are known to experience biochemical changes in the body and brain which release endorphins to make the victim feel the sense of euphoria in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. This euphoria is easily confused for being head over heels in love.

Devaluation Stage. The narcissist's caring words turn cold and dead with criticism. The victim is devalued at every turn they make. The entire relationship is a roller coaster ride due to the narcissist putting enough bait on the hook to keep you. The more you defend yourself to them, the more it feeds the narcissistic efo. They thrive on the victims reactions and are aware fully of what they are doing. "I never said that!" When just moments before they said it. The victims then work that much harder to win their abusers approval which is never acknowledged, all the way up until...

Discard Phase. The sudden change. You and everything you have done is treated like it was nothing. The victims completely shattered by the rejection. The victim fights to save the dying relationship, feeding the narcissistic ego one more time before they go find their next victim. The victim has become worthless and inferior to them or they have outlived their usefulness.

There is one common trait among us who were abused psychologically, we have all let other people tell us what to feel about ourselves.

Why does anyone believe anything? Because their parents told them is actually the very first reason an individual believes something. This goes on and on trough school where teachers and books tell you what to believe. At some point this individual has to learn to believe what they know to be true and not what they have been told to believe their whole life. That some would consider to be the time a child grows up to be an independent adult.

This is the goal of real parenting is it not? Why doesn't anyone teach it? Because nobody wants to go to behavioral therapy. The name gives it a bad rap, it's not really that bad and it doesn't mean you don't know how to act.

You know you have a good heart and hurt for others. You find yourself in these situations and you don't know how to respond and regularly think of what to say after the fact. Behavioral Therapy, at least the class I went through, took away my need for timeouts, and have been able to handle really bad situations with a relatively calm voice.

I have been a gaslighting victim since I was a toddler. My adopted mother told me I was mentally ill because I acted out. I was never told why I was being punished. They were Christians so I never doubted them to be my abuser until I realized my mother and girlfriend had the same behavior patterns. All the way down to getting in trouble for stuff I was told to do.

After being so close to narcissists all these years hearing the denial from my mother and brother, I do believe that for them at least, the narcissism is undiagnosed Aspergers.

Beware, if you feel you are in a relationship right now like this, do not confront your abuser. Be careful to judge the person you are taking to about this. If you are in doubt, ask your therapist to describe how they would feel in a made up situation. If they can not elaborate on it, they have no empathy at all and will compound your trauma, if it hasn't already resulted in PTSD.

Behavioral Therapy, it's the only way forward.

I keep hearing all this and I know my ex fits the bill especially since he has left me so broken, lost, confused, useless, and insecure. Yet, for some reason I can't seem to admit to it. To admit that that's what he did to me and I was the idiots that didn't and still feels I don't really see it. Is this normal to feel? Is been now just under a month since we broke up. Is bad enough my family doesn't understand how I feel so is it normal to feel like this?

[mimsies]

Originally Posted by sabby

Kruick, it sucks to be gaslighted, there is no doubt and I'm sorry you've been through that.

Maybe in your case autism may be part of the picture but please don't suggest that anyone who gaslights another or has no empathy is autistic. The two are not hand in hand with one another and stating so in a most arbitrary and generalized way is unsupportive and inappropriate.

IN fact, some autistic people have SO much empathy that is part of why they "turn off" because it is so overwhelming.

Promoting inaccurate stereotypes of autism and autistic individuals can indeed be VERY damaging.

[mimsies]

Originally Posted by Kruick

Behavioral Therapy, it's the only way forward.

Behavioral therapy may NOT be the only effective therapy for some people. The Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy (DNMS), for instance is very effective, as are some other trauma therapies.

However Different Behavioral Therapies can indeed be VERY effective and useful. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) comes to mind, but even more so Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Often even more effective is behavioral therapy in conjunction with other models, like EMDR and previously mentioned DNMS.

It is important to have a therapist who is open to trying more than one thing, and willing to alter and change approaches if something seems not to be effective.