[maybethrowaway]

Here's a little something about my PTSD.

I was verbally abused growing up, to the point where when somebody is saying something in a way that I don't like, my brain tenses up like somebody would when they're about to get hit. Because people speak in sentences, usually followed by a few more sentences, this can happen for minutes at a time, with only a breif relief and then it starts all over again. It depends on who's talking, but with some people, this happens almost whenever they talk. For some people, this has gotten to the point where I can try to listen all I want, but I can't physically do it. The words will enter my brain but through a lot of resistence. It's always a relief when they stop talking. Most people don't do this to me, but certain people.

Then, later on in life, somebody yelled at me, over and over again, using words that they knew I would hear, like plunging knives into my brain. This continued for a while, until I started to remember the whole story of this person and everything they said. Then everything in my brain caved in and all I could hear were what they said.

Before this happened, but after the verbal abuse growing up, I'd tense up when multiple people talked at once. This could be crowded areas, a dinner table with people talking over one another and interupting (something I hate) one another, or the worse: people arguing and not understanding each other. Now that this person has gotten into my head, my brain is tense 24/7. There are some moments where it's less tense, but it's always there.

It gets worse when I lie in bed at night or even when I just close my eyes to rest. Anything that I try to do to shut off the world and rest in my own mind, leads me to my messed up brain and its messed up inner dialogue. I can't concentrate anymore. I can't read anymore. When I read or listen to a song or someone speak, there will bound to be a few words, phrases, or ideas that make my brain tense up to the point where I lose focus and just kind of stare into blank space. This makes it hard to do anything, including get help.

I take sleeping medication. Without it, there's no way I can sleep. I don't get sleepy. It's like I'm in constant shock. This, along with the PTSD makes it impossible for me to get anything done. I can't escape this. There's no place that I can go to, nobody to talk to, no song or movie or book that can take my mind off the chatter. it's like somebody is yelling at you constantly. I get headaches all the time. Almost every word in my brain hurts. Almost everything I say is met with inner dialogue that hurts. Or the thing that I said itself hurts.

I fear my mind now. It used to be a safe sanctuary but it's now hell. My mind itself is a trigger. Words are triggers. Speaking is a trigger. There's no way I can avoid any of these things.

I don't know how to TL;DR this. I'm on my way to having a psychiatrist and therapist. I don't take any medication and haven't had any therapy for this.

Has anyone had a similar experience? and what can I do to help myself?

[starfruit504]

I've experienced similar difficulty listening to other people. I also suffer from PTSD from childhood trauma. I have a general issue trusting other people and can tense up even around the most chill, kind, gentle people. I think you're right, it is related to the PTSD and you've got this cycle of fear and avoidance when it comes to listening to other people speak. It's like a barrier between you and healthy, human connection. It's craving that connection that's making you ask for help and the best way to help yourself is patience, self-compassion and therapy. Therapy slowly turned down the background noise for me, took my baseline level of trepidation and turned it way down, so I'm not on pins and needles when I'm talking with or meeting new people, when I'm in a crowded place, or when I'm full of anticipation. I'm not 100 percent. It's a work in progress, but I'm way better off than I was 9-10 years ago. I could hardly even recognize the old me. Hope this is helpful

[Shazerac]

Welcome to psych central

PTSD can really do a number on our brain. It's. Huge issue to deal with. I'm glad to hear that you are considering therapy and medication. I think it will help you a lot.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to pc

[nicoleflynn]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Perhaps EMDR could help you.

[Spangle]

I used to experience this a lot. I had EMDR & am in the process of having more. It helped a lot, but if I’m around anyone now that raises their voice or I sense a negative tone, I experience the same as you still (but not as severe) I too have PTSD & CSA. Talking therapy has also helped with coping strategies & im 4 yrs into that. You can get help with this, I promise. It’s ‘manageable’ for me now, which is a hell of a lot better than it was. Good luck.

[Jo1994]

This article helped with some validation for me...
https://themighty.com/2017/08/life-i...Mighty_MH_Page