[autumnleaves]

Hello,

I figured I could write an update on my life and it would at least make me feel a little better to get it out, even if no one reads or responds.

For anyone who doesn't know my story: I am 21 years old and the last of 7 children. I grew up in and still practice in a sect of conservative Christianity. I was abused emotionally and occasionally physically by my mother (whom I now have a very good relationship with, considering) and abused emotionally, physically, and sexually by my older sister (older by 6 years) from the time I was 4-approximately 12 (when she moved out). My sister molested me once that I am in clear remembrance of, but I suspect more. She also subjected me to pornographic photographs, phone sex, and cyber sex (internet text based sex). She effectively forced me to participate in conversations with her about sexually explicit information/knowledge and also forced me to participate in cyber sex conversations with strangers (men). For my entire life, I have kept all of these things secret, minimized them as much as possible, even trying to convince myself that the molestation was a dream, the bizarre and abusive behavior exhibited by my sister was normal, and that the behavior that stemmed from the abuse in myself (compulsive masturbation, cyber sex activity, and pornography consumption) was the result of the fact that I am fundamentally evil/dirty/bad. Pornography is heavily preached against in my church (for good reason; it's not good for your soul or your mind). I have felt heavily ashamed of myself and extreme self hatred to the point of suicidal ideation. Recently, all of these elements of my story have come together to make me, in many ways, non functional. I finally decided to seek psychological treatment last September (2010). I received fragmented and short term therapy from two different therapists in 8 months through my university's counseling center. I am taking 40mg of Celexa (Citalopram) and 10mg of Amitryptaline. At the end of this summer, I was basically forced to leave counseling because the center is technically only allowed to offer 12 sessions (which they had obviously exceeded long ago), and my therapist graduated with a doctorate. I have no idea when or if I will ever be able to re-enter therapy.

I think that brings us to present day. My best friend and I have fought a lot as a result of my emotional/mental instability. Recently, things have been slightly better. However, she is planning on leaving at least the state, and possibly the country, to be a missionary for 18 months at the end of this academic year. After that, she is planning on moving to Kansas, where her family recently relocated to (we are presently in Indiana). She also chose to quit marching band (I am a section leader in the band and would have been her section leader for the second year in a row) and drop out of a class that she had scheduled to take with me. I feel abandoned, lost, and terrified. The demons of pornography and cyber sex as well as suicidal depression have returned almost in full force minus a small part of the chemical imbalance. I don't know what to do anymore or what to feel and would appreciate any advice or kind words.

[SoupDragon]

I have read your update and I am so sorry you had to experience those things as a child. It is a shame that your therapy has come to an end with that T - but it sounds like you could benefit from longer term support with a T. I am not sure what options may be available to you where you live as I am UK based. Maybe someone else may have some suggestions.

It also sounds like there are a lot of big changes going on in your life right now and those things always take a while to adjust to - I am sorry that those thoughts and feelings have returned - I battle with the suicidal stuff and I know it can be really distressing and also exhausting. However for me, however bad it may get, I have to tell myself at those points to just wait as the intensity of the thoughts / feelings does pass.

You say you are on meds, can you see your pdoc to talk about how things are for you now?

Keep posting here if it helps (it often helps me to just write thoughts / feelings down - sort of puts them "out there", rather than being contained inside me), let us know how you get on - take care - Soup

[Butterflies Are Free]

I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that. Is there any possible way of finding a T who could see you on a long-term basis? Could you check with your school?
I think you did a great job of expressing yourself here and reaching out for support.
I am thinking about you!

[Bill3]

Hi autumnleaves. Thank you for posting this thread, which I just found. I have been away.

Do you feel like your best friend left marching band, and the joint class, specifically to avoid you? Did she tell you as much? Are you living with her this coming year? Has school started? How is it going so far?

You mentioned kind words. Well, know that I have a lot of respect for you. I suppose that that sounds jarring to you---perhaps you ask how anyone could respect you? You feel tawdry, dirty, base. My view, though, is that you have been working to address problems that are not your fault, that arise from abuse. You speak clearly about your feelings. These things require honesty and courage, which I respect.

What other people might you cultivate as friends or as better friends? And/or what ideas do you have about how to connect with more people this year?

[autumnleaves]

Thank you SoupDragon and Butterflies. I don't have a pdoc. I am currently in the process of enrolling in group therapy at my university's counseling center. Thank you both for your kind words.

Bill3, I hope your time away was something enjoyable as opposed to unenjoyable . I don't feel that she left those activities to avoid me, I just feel that she left me behind in her planning for the year, not taking me into account much. She has said repeatedly that she didn't do it specifically to hurt me or be away from me. I am living with her this coming year in the same apartment with one new roommate. School has been in session for two weeks now. School is a a great roller coaster of emotions. I will often be very depressed some parts of the day and feel much better and normal in other parts. Basically, it's just very unstable. I'm doing well in classes so far, but I have always managed to make good grades even through the worst of it.

It does indeed sound jarring to me to hear that you respect me. However, it is so appreciated. My greatest hope is that my Heavenly Father still has respect for me and the fiber of who I am. I respect you as well, Bill, and I don't say that simply as a reply, I mean it.

I am trying to make better friends with my section in marching band and my peers in my church group. So far it's been going pretty well and I'm even looking into a relationship with a man in the church group who appears to like me back. This scares the living daylights out of me because it could either be lifesaving to have someone close like that or it could mean disaster if it ends in rejection. I plan on hanging out with more diverse and new groups of people as time goes on. I am looking forward to seeing how much group therapy may be able to help me. Again, a thousand thanks.

[Bill3]

Bill3, I hope your time away was something enjoyable as opposed to unenjoyable .

Yes--enjoyable! Thanks for saying that.

not taking me into account much.

It sounds like you feel that she could have gently informed you or discussed things better.

School is a a great roller coaster of emotions. I will often be very depressed some parts of the day and feel much better and normal in other parts.

Is there a pattern as to what brings good or bad feelings?

I'm doing well in classes so far,

My greatest hope is that my Heavenly Father still has respect for me and the fiber of who I am.

We tend to forget that, according to our faith, God does respect us--because when He looks in our direction, He sees His Son covering our sins.

I respect you as well, Bill, and I don't say that simply as a reply, I mean it.

Thank you very much for your kindness in saying that.

I am trying to make better friends with my section in marching band and my peers in my church group. So far it's been going pretty well and I'm even looking into a relationship with a man in the church group who appears to like me back.

Very nice to hear these things!

This scares the living daylights out of me because it could either be lifesaving to have someone close like that or it could mean disaster if it ends in rejection.

I would like to discourage this sort of thinking. In my view, a relationship should be seen neither as a potential lifesaver, nor as a potential disaster. That perspective puts too much stress and burden on the relationship. It would also be problematic, in my view, to have an equal relationship with a "savior".

My suggestion is to continue to look to yourself, and to whatever therapeutic and religious resources may be available, for improving in areas that trouble you. If it turns out that a relationship makes a huge, healing difference for you--great! Nevertheless, I would like there to be an ongoing plan for continued healing, a plan that does not require, or lean heavily on, a relationship--so that it is not a disaster if the relationship ends.

I plan on hanging out with more diverse and new groups of people as time goes on. I am looking forward to seeing how much group therapy may be able to help me. Again, a thousand thanks.

Good idea, and you're welcome.

[autumnleaves]

I'm glad that your time was enjoyable!

I do indeed feel as if she did not consult me or inform me much.

As far as a pattern to the good and bad feelings, many times if I am alone/isolated I feel depressed and get engulfed in bad feelings. Also, it's pretty common for me to be depressed/irritable in the mornings and evenings, but rarely in the afternoons.

About the relationship: I really appreciate your advice. I hadn't thought of the situation as you present it, but I completely agree. I need to make sure that I can be strong for myself no matter if I have someone to be in a relationship or not. I suppose that this relationship is still frightening, but I think they are frightening for everyone. So far, he is returning positive signs like compliments, attention, and conversation. I hope it works out, but again, I completely agree with what you have said about not leaning too heavily on the success of the relationship and not setting myself up for failure or disaster.

I really appreciate your thoughts and advice. It helps me so much to just be thought of and helped with my feelings and thoughts. Thank you a million times. I hope that you're doing well today.

[Bill3]

I do indeed feel as if she did not consult me or inform me much.

Since she did not consult or inform you much, I would guess that you are feeling two kinds of abandonment. First, the physical abandonment of her moving away from you and your activities. Second, and perhaps more importantly, the psychological abandonment of her seemingly not, or no longer, thinking enough of you to discuss her plans, to realize that you would be affected and might be hurt, and to try to provide comfort and concern.

If you could tell her your feelings, I suspect that you would say that you understand, and are not hurt (much), by the fact that she is doing fewer activities with you. However, perhaps you would say that second type of feeling of abandonment is quite hurtful and is harder for you to understand.

Now that school is on, do you find yourself getting on well with her? How painful is the situation for you now?

As far as a pattern to the good and bad feelings, many times if I am alone/isolated I feel depressed and get engulfed in bad feelings. Also, it's pretty common for me to be depressed/irritable in the mornings and evenings, but rarely in the afternoons.

I suppose that you are pretty busy with stuff in the afternoons, but less so in mornings and evenings?

I suppose that this relationship is still frightening, but I think they are frightening for everyone.

Right, starting, or trying to start, a relationship can be scary. I appreciated what you said about being strong for yourself. I think that you already have a lot of strength. You perhaps consider yourself weak for your missteps--which arise from abuse--but I consider you to be strong for being so honest and courageous and persistent in facing your problems and in striving for a better life.

So far, he is returning positive signs like compliments, attention, and conversation.

So far, so good. Have fun , and remember that while a relationship might be great, you don't have to have one to make progress toward the healing of your wounds.

[autumnleaves]

Thanks for your response!

I agree with your assessment of why/how I am hurt by my friend's actions. Now that school has started, I find that it is easier to get along with her because I simply don't see her as much and the structure and order of school as well as the feeling of productivity has been working very well for me. I find that this combination of things makes it easier for me to get on day to day.

You are correct when you say that I am much busier and therefore happier in the afternoons. This isn't just because I get distracted, it's because I enjoy being around other people and feeling as if I'm accomplishing something.

Thank you for calling be brave and the other things. It means A LOT to me.

The guy's name is Jon. I had a date with him last night, but my roommates were there. I like that he listens to me and looks at me when I'm talking to him. I also like that he's a kind and smart man. He's also interested in the same things as me (sense of humor, music, etc.). I also think he's really handsome (even though he's a little shorter than me, hehe) and he has said that he thinks I "always look really pretty." In a nutshell, being with him is fun and makes me feel good about myself and about life.

[Bill3]

Thanks for the update! I am really glad that things are off to such a good start with Jon.

I hope that you will keep us posted, and let us know how you feel about group therapy.

Have a good day!