[Depressed-Fiance]

Do you think calling your partner by their surname and very seldomly using their forename could be considered disrespectful?

[unaluna]

Ridge does it to Logan on The Bold and the Beautiful. Im not even sure i know her first name!

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Ridge does it to Logan on The Bold and the Beautiful. Im not even sure i know her first name!

Yes, but I kind of feel like it's disrespectful and in a way shows little regard for my feelings.

[Bill3]

What if you speak to them about it and ask them to stop?

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

Do you think calling your partner by their surname and very seldomly using their forename could be considered disrespectful?

Yes, yes, yes.

[Crookedspin]

Hi-- Just wanted to point out that that is something that men sometimes do as a way of being affectionate, using the same "guy" bonding things--surnames, nicknames, fist bumps--with women that we do with men. And I get that sometimes that can feel really sweet, or.... just the opposite and really annoying or demeaning. A few years ago I got a girlfriend upset when I responded, very genuinely, to her helping me with something by hugging her and saying "Aww, you my dawg" (immature, I know, but that's the part of me that was touched). She got upset that I "referred to her as a 'dog.'"
OK, I get that--that word can make people feel all different types of ways. Not what she was wanting just then. So I promised not to do that, explained why I did, and apologized in advance if by any chance it should it slip out again in the future. This is a rather long-winded way of saying that the same thing can mean different things to different people and that it is worthwhile to clarify for him how you feel about it. I would take seriously how he responds to your request--that he not minimize it, explain it away. Neither of which I mean to do, by the way, just trying to offer something that might be helpful.

[katydid777]

My husband, when he has had too much to drink,(he gets verbally ugly) will use my maiden name as a insult. Like , "you are from that_______ clan, and don't do whatever the insult is.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What if you speak to them about it and ask them to stop?

I would absolutely love to but I genuinely feel afraid of her response. I feel myself 'adapting' my behaviour incase it triggers an outbreak with her.

Originally Posted by katydid777

Yes, yes, yes.

Thank you hun.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Crookedspin

Hi-- Just wanted to point out that that is something that men sometimes do as a way of being affectionate, using the same "guy" bonding things--surnames, nicknames, fist bumps--with women that we do with men. And I get that sometimes that can feel really sweet, or.... just the opposite and really annoying or demeaning. A few years ago I got a girlfriend upset when I responded, very genuinely, to her helping me with something by hugging her and saying "Aww, you my dawg" (immature, I know, but that's the part of me that was touched). She got upset that I "referred to her as a 'dog.'"
OK, I get that--that word can make people feel all different types of ways. Not what she was wanting just then. So I promised not to do that, explained why I did, and apologized in advance if by any chance it should it slip out again in the future. This is a rather long-winded way of saying that the same thing can mean different things to different people and that it is worthwhile to clarify for him how you feel about it. I would take seriously how he responds to your request--that he not minimize it, explain it away. Neither of which I mean to do, by the way, just trying to offer something that might be helpful.

I'm sorry to hear that you has to go through that with your girlfriend.

I'm a guy and my girlfriend is a bit 'tomboy' like hence her haughty behaviour.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by katydid777

My husband, when he has had too much to drink,(he gets verbally ugly) will use my maiden name as a insult. Like , "you are from that_______ clan, and don't do whatever the insult is.

Alcohol can never be used in my opinion as an excuse for verbally insulting someone, especially if it is prolonged.

Sorry to hear you were on the receiving end of that, it's obviously never pleasant.

[Bill3]

I would absolutely love to but I genuinely feel afraid of her response. I feel myself 'adapting' my behaviour incase it triggers an outbreak with her.

What would she be likely to do?

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What would she be likely to do?

She gets very moody, argumentative and sulks if I confront her on anything that may to most people seem reasonable.

That is why I don't feel ok asking her anything. It's like she has some permanent mood disorder.

I'm thinking of pulling the plug on our relationship as I feel more and more run down each and every day I spend with her and I don't feel respected or valued by her.

[IttyBit]

I would consider it disrespectful if it were done to me. It's like not acknowledging you as the person you were and now are regulated to someone inferior. If someone did that to me..on the third time it was said, I would have spoken up to cease...and in very strong terms to boot.

But that is just my opinion and you own mileage may vary.

[Bill3]

A codependent relationship is exists or is coming into being when one party gets moody, argumentative, sulks, etc. when they are challenged or do not get their way.

If you are not familiar with codependent relationships, I think that it would be helpful to look into them further.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Bill3

A codependent relationship is exists or is coming into being when one party gets moody, argumentative, sulks, etc. when they are challenged or do not get their way.

If you are not familiar with codependent relationships, I think that it would be helpful to look into them further.

Thank you Bill.

You have provided very useful advice and information there and I will now take the time to further study co-dependency behaviour.

Thanks once again for your invaluable support with your reply there. :-)

[nicoleflynn]

If you tell someone that something they are doing bothers you and they keep on doing it; that tells you that they don't respect you or care about your feelings.

[Crookedspin]

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

I'm sorry to hear that you has to go through that with your girlfriend.

I'm a guy and my girlfriend is a bit 'tomboy' like hence her haughty behaviour.

Hi D-F--I'm so sorry! I made a bunch of assumptions about you and your partner's genders in what I wrote. Just shows how easily such assumptions can be made, in my case about men and women and who likely would occupy the respective roles in the scenario you laid out. Very presumptuous of me on all counts, I do apologize, and I appreciate you sounding like you understand and aren't too bothered by it.
As far as that incident with my then-girlfriend, all ended up OK, it's just that she had been teased with the word 'dog' as a little girl and that word being directed at her--even as 'dawg'--was very hurtful.
Overall lesson here, I guess is that language is a tricky thing and we never know what particular words mean to others. Nor can others know what specific words may mean to us. I suppose we can all help the situation by patiently explaining ourselves to others, as you did.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

If you tell someone that something they are doing bothers you and they keep on doing it; that tells you that they don't respect you or care about your feelings.

You've nailed it on the head there Nicole.

In my relationship, I firmly believe that my fiancé was a Narcissist. She just ticked most of the boxes that would signify a Narcissist.

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

If you tell someone that something they are doing bothers you and they keep on doing it; that tells you that they don't respect you or care about your feelings.

Agree with this 100%. If I told my husband something he did bothered me, he would do it more frequently. I made the mistake once of telling him I really didn't like it when he called me a c**t. From then on, that's the word he used over and over. He did not respect any boundaries I tried to have. Boundaries were there to be bulldozed by him.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

Agree with this 100%. If I told my husband something he did bothered me, he would do it more frequently. I made the mistake once of telling him I really didn't like it when he called me a c**t. From then on, that's the word he used over and over. He did not respect any boundaries I tried to have. Boundaries were there to be bulldozed by him.

I think it just screams lack of respect for you when your partner ignores your needs and dislikes.

Sorry to hear he didn't treat you very well.