[Healing heart]

Hi
I would like to get some advice and support.
I recently left my emotionally and physically abusive husband.
This is the 3 rd time I have left him and I made a promise to myself that this time I will never go back to him or even talk to him.

I have moved out 2 weeks ago and I am trying to start a new life in a new city. In the past year, he continuously was violent and abusive and I had to visit the emergency on 3 separate occasion in the past 6 months, because of his violence. He was real cruel and turned into a violent monster. I really did not want to give up on my marriage and I was blaming myself that I should have tried harder and try to communicate better but he continued to be violent and every time he promised he will never do it again and he is sorry but he did it again and again. I had to report him to police and they charged him with aggravated assault with a weapon causing bodily harm.

I have self diagnosed myself as suffering from PTSD because I have flashback of the violence and intrusive thoughts and nightmares.
Also I suffer from depression and anxiety attacks.

I really don't understand myself that after all these horrible things and the trauma he caused me I am still missing him and want to talk to him!! I truly beleive he traumatized me and I need to recover from this.

However, he is been trying to contact me on social media and email and asking me to talk to him and say he is sorry and he cares about me and we need to talk.

But for me, the best is NO contact with him ever but it is very very difficult to keep this NO contact because I miss him and I want to beleive that my marriage is still fixable. But I know that he will not change and talking to him and going back to him would be not good for me.
How can I break this trauma bond and how can make sure I will stay NO contact with him?

I still care about him, but how can I still love a person who abused me and was very violent with me many many times? I am very confused!

I blocked him from messenger and my WhatsAPP account as well as email but I still feel this need to contact him and I want to know how I can stop myself NOT to be sucked in again to be manipulated into returning to my abuser.
Please, help
Thank you very much

[Skeezyks]

Hello heart: I'm sorry you have had such a heartbreaking experience. However I'm glad to learn your heart is now beginning to heal. I can't really address your concerns myself. Hopefully other members, here on PC, who have had similar experiences will reply & offer their insights.

I did wonder, though, if you are familiar with the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If not, I would think this might well be a resource you might want to explore. I believe there could potentially be a lot of support available to you there. To my way of thinking, isolation has to be one of the most difficult aspects of a situation such as yours... & one of the things that causes many abuse victims to eventually give in & return to their abusers. Of course, if there are any women's organizations you could turn to for real-life support that would probably be best. But, if not, perhaps the services provided by the Hotline may be worth checking out. Here's a link to their website as well as their phone number:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline ? The Hotline

1 (800) 799-7233

I send my best wishes...