[PreciousQueen]

I asked a friend of mine if he could stop touching me so much (brushing my shoulder, etc) because I do have reactions still when I feel someone else touching me. I asked if he could be patient while I work on trusting again and being able to accept physical touch.

He started yelling at me saying he would never hurt me like the others did in the past. He yelled that he was the one I should trust. He yelled that I was hurting people by not allowing much physical touch.

Am I wrong?

[childofchaos831]

You are not wrong, at all, for asking for what you need. At first, with my friends, it took a little bit for them to get used to it. Now, they all ask before going in for a hug or wait until I initiate the touch. Also, I had a couple people at first touch me and then realize and apologize. They had the same thoughts as your friend, but when I stuck to it, they realized I was serious and it really did affect me differently.

[Carmina]

I would find a 'friend' yelling at me even worse than touching me - guy needs to back off and get over it.

[mostlylurking]

You're not hurting anyone by asking them not to touch you. That's nonsense.

It sounds like your friend wants to be a savior, the Good Guy, the one who helps you out by being so swell. But just announcing that he's trustworthy doesn't make him trustworthy-- that's something he can show over time, and you are under no obligation to just take his word for it. If he really cares about you he will find patience.

[leomama]

Not only are you not wrong, your friend doesn't sound like a friend.

[Amyjay]

His reaction does not inspire trust. More than anything it would make me more wary of him.
It sounds like being asked that triggered something for him that may not even be related to you. Who knows what the trigger could be - not being trusted, feeling rejected , could be a number of different things. The thing is, if he is generally a good friend and generally can be trusted and you'd like to give hum another chance you could talk to him about it when he has calmed down. It sounds like at that moment he was too triggered and reactive to respond to your request as it is without his own stuff chucked into the mix. he might be able to be more responsive once he is able to respond instead of react.
With things as they are in the world he may have felt "accused" of sexual harrassment even though that wasn't what you intended. Kwim?

[PreciousQueen]

Thanks.
It did scare me when he started yelling. That alone did make me not want to talk to him again.
I guess I could wait to see if he calms down. It could be possible he took it the wrong way and thought I was accusing him. It also might help that he's traveling and will be gone for a week.

[Bill3]

His approach reinforces what you learned from abusers: People who touch do negative things. He recreated the abuse.

[PreciousQueen]

Originally Posted by Bill3

His approach reinforces what you learned from abusers: People who touch do negative things. He recreated the abuse.

I never thought about this. Thanks for saying that. I just thought everything was wrong with me.

I think your boyfriend feels offended because in his perception, you don't trust him and think he's going to hurt you.

Can you explain to him what's going on?
"I do trust you; else I wouldn't spend time with you, let alone dare to bevalone with you. I value our relationship enough that rather than run when you scare me by touching me, I try to talk it out so we can still spend time together.
But when I feel touch, my mind just goes back to all the times that, in the past, touch meant pain. I'll get scared and only after I realize that I am not in danger; that you are safe and will not hurt me. Only it does take me some time to calm down - when someone feels they are in danger, the body will release all kinds of hormones and stuff, and my heart will start racing: therefore I can't immediately be alright and feel safe again just because I realize it's you and not someone who means ill. This is why being touched, even by you, is very upsetting to me.
Please give me time. And know it has nothing to do with you."

Something like that? Explain why you get afraid (touch reminds you of x), stay afraid even when you realize it's him (body releases hormones, they have to get out of your system - can't just 'turn them off'), and that you do trust him and value your relationship.

[nicoleflynn]

No feelings are wrong. He VERBALLY abused you. That isn't a friend. Friends listen and understand and honor your feelings and thoughts.

My first reaction is a trustworthy friend doesn't yell at me.

UOTE=PreciousQueen;5944449]I asked a friend of mine if he could stop touching me so much (brushing my shoulder, etc) because I do have reactions still when I feel someone else touching me. I asked if he could be patient while I work on trusting again and being able to accept physical touch.

He started yelling at me saying he would never hurt me like the others did in the past. He yelled that he was the one I should trust. He yelled that I was hurting people by not allowing much physical touch.

Am I wrong?[/QUOTE]

[IttyBit]

Originally Posted by PreciousQueen

I asked a friend of mine if he could stop touching me so much (brushing my shoulder, etc) because I do have reactions still when I feel someone else touching me. I asked if he could be patient while I work on trusting again and being able to accept physical touch.

He started yelling at me saying he would never hurt me like the others did in the past. He yelled that he was the one I should trust. He yelled that I was hurting people by not allowing much physical touch.

Am I wrong?

No. You are not wrong. HE is for yelling at you and trying to force you to accept something you are not ready to accept.
He is no friend. Dump him. Immediately.

[PreciousQueen]

Originally Posted by Breadfish

I think your boyfriend feels offended because in his perception, you don't trust him and think he's going to hurt you.

Can you explain to him what's going on?
"I do trust you; else I wouldn't spend time with you, let alone dare to bevalone with you. I value our relationship enough that rather than run when you scare me by touching me, I try to talk it out so we can still spend time together.
But when I feel touch, my mind just goes back to all the times that, in the past, touch meant pain. I'll get scared and only after I realize that I am not in danger; that you are safe and will not hurt me. Only it does take me some time to calm down - when someone feels they are in danger, the body will release all kinds of hormones and stuff, and my heart will start racing: therefore I can't immediately be alright and feel safe again just because I realize it's you and not someone who means ill. This is why being touched, even by you, is very upsetting to me.
Please give me time. And know it has nothing to do with you."

Something like that? Explain why you get afraid (touch reminds you of x), stay afraid even when you realize it's him (body releases hormones, they have to get out of your system - can't just 'turn them off'), and that you do trust him and value your relationship.

He is not my boyfriend, but this might help if I show him.

[PreciousQueen]

@nicoleflynn @cavaliers @ittybitty
Thanks for helping. I do think sometimes that it is my fault and I should somehow return to normal but I can't do that as quickly as others want me to. You gave me some things to process