Silent treatment

In your experience, what is the difference between:

- Feeling hurt by your partner and withdrawing (ie: going silent) until it feels safe enough to open up and share your feelings

- The silent treatment as a form of control

The difference is exactly what you said here,one is a form of control.

Yes, I realize that. I'm trying to discern someone's behaviour. How do you know if the person is doing it to be hurtful? Or just lacking skill and not meaning harm?

IDK really,I guess it depends on the person and the situation.Have you tried asking whoever it is about it?

My husband irritates me often because when I am trying to have a serious discussion with him he just stops talking altogether,he doesn't answer any questions I ask,just totally shuts me out and shuts down.He says he doesn't do it purposely but it sure seems like it to me.Honestly I'm not sure which it is.

He is CHOOSING to shut you out so therefore, it IS on purpose. If you go into verbal abuse online, or Patricia Evans, there is a list of abusive behavior; withholding is one of them; it is about power and control....a sick game.

Was that meant for me or the OP?

If it was meant for me,you obviously cannot know for sure whether it's on purpose or not without knowing my husband or the circumstances.

I would agree that you can't know without knowing the details.

A person on the autistic spectrum may withdraw and go into their own world. A person with PTSD may withdraw when they feel triggered.

It isn't always manipulation. That's why I'm asking the question.

Do you feel you can share some details emzara?Do you feel the person is being manipulative?

My husband has PTSD,so that's why I'm not sure whether it's on purpose or not.He says it's not but it's still very hurtful to me and makes me question it.

It's really hard to give a good answer here for you,not knowing the person or the circumstances.I give my husband the silent treatment at times and tbh it's just to piss him off.But then there's other times I just have to get away and collect my thoughts first.

I go quiet, but not to punish my husband, but to try to keep the discussion/ argument from getting any worse. I guess if I don't say any more to him, he might calm down. I don't think a day goes by when I don't do this. I think it might be one of my coping things. For example today I put on a skirt, shirt, jacket that matched the skirt, a pair of tights, and flat shoes. My husband was making a big deal about what I had on, saying I was dressed up, but I like to ware dresses, and skirts every now and then. So when he first brought it up I told him I like to ware a skirt once and awhile. When he brought it up again, and for the rest of the day, when he brought it up, I just didn't say anything.

My boyfriend grew up with an abusive father who beat him. He told me that his coping mechanism was to withdraw. He does something similar in our relationship. I suspect he isn't being controlling, but it scares me and triggers me because I was once married to an abusive man who withheld information as a way to be in control.

My ex-husband used to punish me either because he enjoyed hurting me or wanted to get back at me for something (even if it was just something I said that he misunderstood). Sometimes it was less significant - like uninviting me to something.

For example, we had agreed to watch a movie together a bit later in the day (let's say Star Wars). Then something happened and his friend laughed at him (let's call him Peter). He thought I laughed at him too (I didn't) and to punish me, he announced, "Peter and I are going to go watch Star Wars, anyone want to come?". There were other people in the house and he turned to them to exclude me. He told me later he did it because I laughed at him.

Sometimes it was more significant, like cheating on me to hurt me. His words were, "I did it to hurt you". The key about this, though, is that he knew he was going to be staying out late with the girl days before the actual day it happened, but he didn't tell me. He sent me a Facebook message after he was supposed to already be home that day, telling me he'd be out late.

One more thing of note is that the way he whittled me down was to repeatedly tell me I was aggressive. If I stood up for myself or got irritated, he said I was controlling, aggressive, bossy, etc. The thing is, this was manipulative. Here's one small story to illustrate what I mean by manipulative.

He used my credit card without my permission and put it over the limit. I was very upset and got more and more upset as he wouldn't take responsibility for his actions. He kept deflecting and blaming me. Finally, when I told him that I would no longer support him financially because he showed me how irresponsible he was, he said I was "blackmailing" him. He then found internet articles about a controlling partner and told me that's how I was. I started to believe him. Except I wasn't controlling. I was just trying to keep my finances in check and he was manipulating the whole thing.

Often, my ex-husband would use the "you're aggressive" tactic to subdue me so he could do whatever he wanted (steal from me, go out with other women, etc).

So, being told I'm aggressive is a huge trigger for me.

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So, now fast forward to my boyfriend. He feels hurt easily and when he does, he withdraws. One time he thought I was saying I didn't want to see him and he felt hurt. The next time I saw him, he was more distant. Didn't hug me when he saw me, for example.

He says he feels "unsafe" around me when I get irritated. Except my experience of being irritated is actually feeling overwhelmed. If I'm late for work, for example, I get flustered and anxious, so I sound more curt. This seems to bother him and he gets jumpy around me, like he's afraid he'll set me off. I think this is from his childhood, personally, because I've never yelled at him.

Recently, he left on a trip for 5 days. Before he left, he asked me if I could look at something, but I was overwhelmed with a slew of other things. I didn't feel annoyed, I just felt overwhelmed. If anything, I was annoyed with myself for not being able to look at his thing. So, he felt annoyed with me for being what he thought was irritated. And then when he was leaving, he wanted to connect with me because of this, but I didn't even have a clue he thought I was irritated, so I was busy doing something in the kitchen and was oblivious.

The key thing is what happened next. He was a lot more distant while he was gone and didn't communicate very much. He said he figured he'd talk to me when he got back. Then, something important came up and he had to extend his trip. He texted me to say he was staying longer, but didn't tell me why or what was going on. I found out this was because he was feeling disconnected.

I was trying to determine whether or not this is him being manipulative to "punish" me for being what he thought was irritated, or just someone who is sensitive and poor at communicating. I'm pretty sure it's the latter, I have just been trying to check in with people who would understand the climate of an abusive relationship and know where I'm coming from.

That sounds like a tough situation to be in emzara,with both of you having abusive pasts.It's hard to make any type of judgement of your situation.

Are either of you in therapy,or have you ever considered couples therapy?

I'm looking into counselling.