[Kibou]

The thing is, I think I have an abusive mother..

It doesn't always happen, but every time I do a mistake, or something that doesn't meet her expectations, she would give me the "silent treatment" , you know, ignoring me and acting as if I didn't exist for a long period of time.. it can last from weeks to months >< During these periods, the only reason why she would talk to me would be to put me down, remind me of how much I disappointed her, or even to insult me.. She often throws stuff like "You're pathetic !" "What's wrong with you ?" "Can't you just be normal ?". Or she starts crying and telling that it's my fault, I made her sad.
I never try to defend myself, I always recognize that I am at fault (because it's true) and I apologize, but even if I do that, she would just ignore my apologies, no matter how guilty I feel lol.
I've sometimes explained her that her behavior was pretty.. hurting to me, that it makes me feel horrible. But when I tell her this, she says it's not true, that I am lying. One day she even told me, while showing me the house's front door : "If you feel that unhappy here, you can go away"
When this happens, I really feel like it destroys me. It's hard to explain how this kind of pain feels, but it makes me feel like I'm barely surviving, or mentally dying. Sometimes it even makes me want to do something really stupid

I am very afraid of her, every time I see her getting a bit irritated of frustrated, I panic, because I don't want her to get mad at me. I also have a crippling fear of failure & mistakes, because I know that, if I make one, I'll be punished haha.
Sometimes, the simple fact of imagining what could happen if I fail makes me have like.. panic attacks ? Idk how to call this, I'm just crying, screaming, shaking and choking ,, I also have self-loathing thoughts like "I'm weak" "I'm a coward' "

Possible trigger:

When this happens I often hurt myself. Because I hate myself for being so weak, selfish and coward, and because venting out the pain through violence somehow relieves me. I know this sounds stupid, I know I shouldn't do that, but that's how it is, I can barely control myself

I do my best in order to help myself : I have wonderful friends and a boyfriend who help me gain some self-confidence, I write down negative emotions on a journal, and every day I focus my energy on what i'm passionnate about - art. But.. eh, even with that, I can't stop having destructive thoughts & feelings (of course this helps a lot, but I'm far from feeling safe)

People often say that the better thing to do when it comes to emotional abuse, is to get away from the abuser - but uuhh, I'm still a teen, i can't move out from the home yet :/

Idk how to feel better about it.. Does anyone have some coping tips ?

The simple fact of typing this is pretty hard actually, it makes me want to cry xD I feel like I do not deserve help lol, maybe i'm not even being abused, maybe what I call "abuse" is just a fair punishment and I'm being to sensitive XD

Hey,

It doesn't have to happen "always" for it to be harmful, damaging, abusive. The key is, is this a pattern?

Stockholm Syndrome is created when the abuser shows "small kindnesses" such as not being emotionally abusive -sometimes-. The "no abuse" instance is often random and unpredictable, and it builds a really strong bond because "intermittent reinforcement" is extremely powerful precisely because it's so random and unpredictable.

As you are a teen and dependent due to being a minor, are there plans you can make should she indeed throw you out? I'm an adult and for many many years, my parents held that threat of "you can get out of the house if you don't like it!" over my head. It worked because I was kept isolated from tangible and intangible support such as friends, professional help, working in jobs where I didn't earn enough etc.

It might ease your mind if you list out issues you'll face if you're locked out, and then brainstormed solutions.

Disclaimer: All this comes from the perspective of an adult East Asian not living in the West.

I didn't have friends I could count on for many years, but now a friend with her own flat has offered me a living place if I'm kicked out. Is there a couch you can land on? I looked into shelters and their criteria in my country / region as well.

I worked to save as much as I can so I'd have an emergency fund. Are you able to get a part time job? Or able to sell stuff you make or run errands for a fee? My teen brother used to run errands for wealthier friends and they paid him small amounts.

Keep copies of your identification documents if your mother withholds your documents. While it isn't as good as having your actual documents, it might help in case you need to prove your identity.

I see you journal, do you have a private blog where you can document instances of abuse? I don't advise a physical journal which she can find. It can be as simple as a free blog you keep password protected, a document on cloud storage, a private facebook account. Make sure it's stored on the web in case your computer and smartphone are taken.

Can you talk to a school counselor?

Also about the self harm, please keep your injuries clean if you break skin. Please try not to hurt yourself badly. I say this as someone who has self harmed since a kid in a variety of ways.

Can you go to a library to look for self help books written by therapists about abuse?

Here are two suggestions:
https://www.amazon.com/Wasnt-Your-Fa.../dp/1626250995

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Your-.../dp/0470127783

The simple fact of typing this is pretty hard actually, it makes me want to cry xD I feel like I do not deserve help lol, maybe i'm not even being abused, maybe what I call "abuse" is just a fair punishment and I'm being to sensitive XD

the fact that you believe you don't deserve help shows you've been invalidated quite a bit. You are not too sensitive. Threats to kick you out when you aren't harming others is not "a fair punishment". You're not being "too sensitive".

Check out "raised by narcissists" on Reddit. You might find a lot of support, advice, validation there.

[nicoleflynn]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans was of immense help to me. Knowledge is power.

[Kibou]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

It doesn't have to happen "always" for it to be harmful, damaging, abusive. The key is, is this a pattern?

Stockholm Syndrome is created when the abuser shows "small kindnesses" such as not being emotionally abusive -sometimes-. The "no abuse" instance is often random and unpredictable, and it builds a really strong bond because "intermittent reinforcement" is extremely powerful precisely because it's so random and unpredictable.

I didn't know about that, thanks.. !

All my friends are about my age, so they don't have their own houses/flats yet..
My boyfriend does have his own flat, but it's very small (9 m2 xD), and he is pretty finiancially unsafe, he doesn't have enough money to pay the bills and is already indebted.. So I don't think that it would be a great solution x') Fun fact, he actually has been kicked out from his home by abusive parents..
However, I do know a shelter near my town, which hosts kids who have been kicked out/abandonned by their parents, so maybe.. ?

I'm not old enough to get a part-time job, but in a few months I'll be able to work. It's actually one of my future goals, to get a part-time job
I also have some old books I'd like to get rid of, so I hope I'll be able to make enough money with that.

I do have copies of my ID documents too !

My journal is actually a notebook app on my phone lol. I used to keep a physical one before, but my mum once found it, read it and punished me. It doesn't bother me if my smartphone is taken tho-

I'll do a few researches at the library when I'll have time, thank you for the suggestions

It sucks you had to go through abuse and self-harm issues tho :/ Hope you're doing better.

Thank you for your precious advices

I am doing better Things.improved once I got a job paying decent money and could start saving.

I'm glad you can go for part time work in a few months. Money helps because then you can build a cushion for if you do get kicked out.

I'm sorry your mother read your journal and then punished you -- that's not right and not OK. I'm glad there's a shelter if you do get kicked out.

Things can get better. I know it's hard right now. Your goal is to survive till adulthood, to get your feet under you so you can eventually leave. Or if you have no choice but to stay (no flat for example), for her power over you to be lesser.

[Kibou]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans was of immense help to me. Knowledge is power.

I'll check this out, thank you so much

[Gablesgirl1061]

The book In Sheep's Clothing by Dr George K Simon was very helpful to me. Also, Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It must be awful to feel so trapped at your young age, when home should be a place of safety and encouragement.
Many of us have experienced that trapped feeling in long term, abusive marriages. There is hope, so don't give up on getting a bright future for yourself.
Try to find a therapist who can help you deal with all of this. Perhaps the kids shelter you mentioned can tell you where to find one.
My heart aches for you, but I believe you will get through this and be stronger in the long run. You are a special creation, uniquely gifted with talents and abilities. Discover your strengths and work on learning to protect yourself from abusive people in the future.
Your situation right now can lead to feelings of worthlessness and depression. It can also make you seek out abusive relationships in the future because that is what is "normal" and familiar to you. It doesn't have to be that way though. Learn to set boundaries and enforce them. As much as possible, try not to lose your cool when the abuse is happening (easier said than done), don't react emotionally if you can help it-that feeds the abuser's sense of power. Keep things on a factual & logical level. Learn the tactics abusers use and how to respond to those tactics in a way that protects you, but offers the abuser a win-win option. Everything is a competition to them and they are determined to win, no matter what. They hate to feel they are losing.
Don't give up on yourself. You will get through this.

[Kibou]

Originally Posted by Gablesgirl1061

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Thank you for your compassion

There is hope, so don't give up on getting a bright future for yourself.

..Yes. I hope I'll can feel a bit safer when I'll leave my home to go to college (there's no college/univeristy near to my town, so when i'll graduate I'll be forced to move out hehee). There I hope I'll can study what I'm passionate about, then get a lovely job, and eventually being able to live without worrying about harsh judgments and punishments ///

Try to find a therapist who can help you deal with all of this. Perhaps the kids shelter you mentioned can tell you where to find one.

I'll ask them

I believe you will get through this and be stronger in the long run. You are a special creation, uniquely gifted with talents and abilities. Discover your strengths and work on learning to protect yourself from abusive people in the future.

Though I'm rather feeling weak, selfish and coward at the moment, thank you for this

As much as possible, try not to lose your cool when the abuse is happening (easier said than done), don't react emotionally if you can help it-that feeds the abuser's sense of power.

That's why I try to do, but when I try to appear emotionless to my mother when she's yelling, it seems to make her even more angry;. I guess it upsets her to see that she deosn't have her 'sense of power' anymore ?

Thank you for your support

[BLUEDOVE]

Oh,dear Kibou, you brought tears to my eyes in recognition of
your pain. I had similar m+f criticising for years on end; what
happens without our knowing is a thing called "Auditory Imprints", where all that negativity is IMPLANTED into our
young minds,and as years go on it becomes such a PART of us
we think it is US! We think it is OUR original thoughts,when it
is nothing of the kind . . . .IT IS THEIRS . . . .THEIR sick put
downs and criticising . . . like an added implant to your brain.
It is far more urgent than you know to get away from the daily
poison, as each extra day you are there,God forbid,you will
become LIKE HER! GO NOW,NOW!
COURAGE,
BLUEDOVE

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by Kibou

The thing is, I think I have an abusive mother..

It doesn't always happen, but every time I do a mistake, or something that doesn't meet her expectations, she would give me the "silent treatment" , you know, ignoring me and acting as if I didn't exist for a long period of time.. it can last from weeks to months >< During these periods, the only reason why she would talk to me would be to put me down, remind me of how much I disappointed her, or even to insult me.. She often throws stuff like "You're pathetic !" "What's wrong with you ?" "Can't you just be normal ?". Or she starts crying and telling that it's my fault, I made her sad.
I never try to defend myself, I always recognize that I am at fault (because it's true) and I apologize, but even if I do that, she would just ignore my apologies, no matter how guilty I feel lol.
I've sometimes explained her that her behavior was pretty.. hurting to me, that it makes me feel horrible. But when I tell her this, she says it's not true, that I am lying. One day she even told me, while showing me the house's front door : "If you feel that unhappy here, you can go away"
When this happens, I really feel like it destroys me. It's hard to explain how this kind of pain feels, but it makes me feel like I'm barely surviving, or mentally dying. Sometimes it even makes me want to do something really stupid

I am very afraid of her, every time I see her getting a bit irritated of frustrated, I panic, because I don't want her to get mad at me. I also have a crippling fear of failure & mistakes, because I know that, if I make one, I'll be punished haha.
Sometimes, the simple fact of imagining what could happen if I fail makes me have like.. panic attacks ? Idk how to call this, I'm just crying, screaming, shaking and choking ,, I also have self-loathing thoughts like "I'm weak" "I'm a coward' "

Possible trigger:

When this happens I often hurt myself. Because I hate myself for being so weak, selfish and coward, and because venting out the pain through violence somehow relieves me. I know this sounds stupid, I know I shouldn't do that, but that's how it is, I can barely control myself

I do my best in order to help myself : I have wonderful friends and a boyfriend who help me gain some self-confidence, I write down negative emotions on a journal, and every day I focus my energy on what i'm passionnate about - art. But.. eh, even with that, I can't stop having destructive thoughts & feelings (of course this helps a lot, but I'm far from feeling safe)

People often say that the better thing to do when it comes to emotional abuse, is to get away from the abuser - but uuhh, I'm still a teen, i can't move out from the home yet :/

Idk how to feel better about it.. Does anyone have some coping tips ?

The simple fact of typing this is pretty hard actually, it makes me want to cry xD I feel like I do not deserve help lol, maybe i'm not even being abused, maybe what I call "abuse" is just a fair punishment and I'm being to sensitive XD

This is definitely abuse and your pain is valid. I was emotionally abused for years, over 2 decades (I'm 26), and I've NOW started calling it for what it is: abuse. The fact that you think you're so many of these negative things shows that it is affecting you on a very deep level. You shouldn't feel as if you're pathetic or weak. You're just a person in pain and the fact that you're posting here shows how strong you are. It takes strength to be vulnerable.

Just because it doesn't always happen doesn't mean anything. My grandma does the same thing. She's the queen of gaslighting and she still does it to this day. But when she's nice I let my guard down...and then she shows her true colors again. It's a cycle, which makes it so draining and traumatic.

During the abuse I was a teen, too, so I definitely hear you. I'm not sure if I have coping tips, but this forum is a good one. Someone mentioned Reddit. I'm also a part of the group about Narcissistic Abuse Survivors. That one might be a good one for you. And a peer support group where you live would be a great idea so you can meet other people in person who have also been abused.

I am very worried about the panic attacks, though...I wish you could see a therapist or psychiatrist. They sound extreme...

Maybe you can read the book, "It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion". I've heard good things about it and I'm thinking of reading it myself.

I would say try to educate yourself as much as possible on emotional abuse and the effects of it, and how to heal from it.

I won't lie: healing isn't a linear process, but it IS possible. Healing will always be a work in progress but it is possible.

If you need to talk to anyone, message me. Good luck and you always have us on the forum. Don't be a stranger.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Kibou

The thing is, I think I have an abusive mother..

It doesn't always happen, but every time I do a mistake, or something that doesn't meet her expectations, she would give me the "silent treatment" , you know, ignoring me and acting as if I didn't exist for a long period of time.. it can last from weeks to months >< During these periods, the only reason why she would talk to me would be to put me down, remind me of how much I disappointed her, or even to insult me.. She often throws stuff like "You're pathetic !" "What's wrong with you ?" "Can't you just be normal ?". Or she starts crying and telling that it's my fault, I made her sad.
I never try to defend myself, I always recognize that I am at fault (because it's true) and I apologize, but even if I do that, she would just ignore my apologies, no matter how guilty I feel lol.
I've sometimes explained her that her behavior was pretty.. hurting to me, that it makes me feel horrible. But when I tell her this, she says it's not true, that I am lying. One day she even told me, while showing me the house's front door : "If you feel that unhappy here, you can go away"
When this happens, I really feel like it destroys me. It's hard to explain how this kind of pain feels, but it makes me feel like I'm barely surviving, or mentally dying. Sometimes it even makes me want to do something really stupid

I am very afraid of her, every time I see her getting a bit irritated of frustrated, I panic, because I don't want her to get mad at me. I also have a crippling fear of failure & mistakes, because I know that, if I make one, I'll be punished haha.
Sometimes, the simple fact of imagining what could happen if I fail makes me have like.. panic attacks ? Idk how to call this, I'm just crying, screaming, shaking and choking ,, I also have self-loathing thoughts like "I'm weak" "I'm a coward' "

Possible trigger:

When this happens I often hurt myself. Because I hate myself for being so weak, selfish and coward, and because venting out the pain through violence somehow relieves me. I know this sounds stupid, I know I shouldn't do that, but that's how it is, I can barely control myself

I do my best in order to help myself : I have wonderful friends and a boyfriend who help me gain some self-confidence, I write down negative emotions on a journal, and every day I focus my energy on what i'm passionnate about - art. But.. eh, even with that, I can't stop having destructive thoughts & feelings (of course this helps a lot, but I'm far from feeling safe)

People often say that the better thing to do when it comes to emotional abuse, is to get away from the abuser - but uuhh, I'm still a teen, i can't move out from the home yet :/

Idk how to feel better about it.. Does anyone have some coping tips ?

The simple fact of typing this is pretty hard actually, it makes me want to cry xD I feel like I do not deserve help lol, maybe i'm not even being abused, maybe what I call "abuse" is just a fair punishment and I'm being to sensitive XD

I completely understand how you feel my mom was like this to me. She even threaten to have me lock up. I threaten to call the police on her because she became physically abusive toward me. By the time I was in my late 20 I begin to stand up for myself and it was the first time she treats me with respect.

Have you thought about meditation or getting a self help book and use the tools? Perhaps speak with a teacher? Talk to a primary doctor? This is not your fault. You don't deserved to abuse.