Moving looks like maybe not enough

When I get a house, my mother is planning on checking on me, I don't like it at all. She said make sure everything is done right or she will complain.

It turns out she will attempt to get me humiliated. This zeroes out my hope and faith that I have had for so many years.

She said, "what if you go without food for two days, and what if you're freezing cold? I have to help you!" She doesn't.

If I am honest, I am determined to do things on my own.

She said, "I don't raise a son so he is freezing cold." She acts like my life belongs to her, and not me. The US is a free country, she acts like it isn't. She treats me like an eternal little kid. She acts like I'm her property.

In my eyes, I wanna be a leader. It turns out that will never happen. I've been wanting to be a leader for over a decade.

Any advice?

When you get a house, you dont have to let your mother inside. You will be the boss of your house.

This is something I have struggled with, as you are now. I will give you my 2 cents.

My mother, like yours was the same. Controlling, in the eyes of best intention and care, but also very very critical, so she did not lure me in to live with her until I was 40 (something she would have wanted). When the time came to go to University she did not allow me to go to a university in another country. She would not speak the language there and would not be able to take care of me. That was almost like suicide for me, because like you i knew that she would come round to feed me, get copies of keys to this house, since my parents were paying for my education (no loan was possible where i come from). And she had made it very clear that if she pays for it, it's hers. I still wanted an education so that was the only way. I went to my father crying, who was usually taking her side and hiding behind her skirts, and in a panic attack I told him that i needed to go abroad or I would die. I did not expect it to work but it did. I went abroad and was free of her control. I did not even have a cellphone the first few months so she couldn't reach me (she got cancer which she survived but that's not my fault, it was either her or me). Funnily enough my sister stayed in the country and my mother did to her all the things I feared she would do to me (had her own keys, went in and out as pleased, controlled even what curtains would go up etc).

But the funny thing was that even though I was in a different timezone, completely free and away, I was not free at all. I had actually internalized my mother, as all children do too and I gave up my country, my friends, my warm climate, everything that was familiar to me to escape someone I actually took with me. To be free of mothers like ours, therapy is needed, not physical distance. The distance needed is mental and emotional. They could die and still live within us. That's what your priority should be. To get rid of her inside. If you do that, even living in the same house as her won't bother you (but I still haven't done that).

I don't think some of what you said is true.

You know what else isn't true? My mother said "you need my help, you know it", but in truth, I didn't know it. I don't think I "needed" her help either.

I think we all need to learn to set boundaries with others, especially concerned mothers living near us.

I strongly suggest therapy to help you with assertiveness and with setting boundaries. (Leaders are assertive and also set boundaries.)

It's not necessary to alienate your mother in order to come to a mutual agreement/understanding of what you do and do not find helpful from your mother. It can be done.

It's obvious you'd like more space and the freedom to just be. I hope you can find a way to negotiate your relationship with your mom, by expressing yourself. "Mom, I know you care and I need to let you know I need more space. I love you and I would like you to stop ______." Just an example or two.

I wish you the best in negotiating this. Mothers are important and it is possible to stay friendly and still have your independence.


WC

question.... is your mother named as your guardian or person that is supposed to be making sure your bills are paid, that you are taking care of yourself....

reason I ask is sometimes even though a person is an adult they have had someone appointed to be their decision maker and to manage their care because in the past they have not been able to take care of their own necessities, care and mental or physical health decisions...

if your mother has been appointed to be this person then yes she has a law given right to come into where you live, make sure you are taking care of your self right, make sure your bills are getting paid right, make sure you are taking your meds, make sure you are going to your doctor appointments.

But if your mother is not your appointed guardian then the only way she can come into your home is if you give her a key to your door, or let her in yourself.

if she is not the one appointed to take care of things for you, if you dont want her in your home just dont give her the key to open your door and dont let her in to your home.

if she is your guardian then you will need to go to court and show how you can take care of your self now. you will have to show them things like you know how to cook, clean, understand what your meds are for and how to take them and show them your bank statements that show you manage your own money and pay your own bills.

if you can do everything the court says adults should do, then the court will make it so that your mother doesnt have any say about taking care of you any more.

I also think you don't need her help. She is just trying to make you need her. Desperately exactly because she feels you slipping away and not needing her.

I am sorry if I have offended you in any way, I did not lie, not to my knowledge and not on purpose anyway. So I am not sure what is untrue in my comment but I apologize if I came out as that.