[estrella]

Trigger warning: rape. Need to share this. I'm uncertain ans, blaming myself for it. But I'm trying my best not to. I'm really conflicted right now. This happened shortly before my birthday this month, so my title is a bit sarcastic.

The moment he got off of me, I had accepted the fact that I was a dumbness.

Okay--not quite, because calling myself that would be blaming myself for what he had just done to me.

If I remember correctly, I had told him, "I don't want to have sex. I just want to cuddle." If I remember correctly, him saying, "Just boop my nose if it gets to me too much." And cuddling was fine. The rough handling of my body to get me on top of him was okay compared to what wasn't.

The smile that spread across his face after I "booped" his nose and he kept ****ing me, how he kept trying to stuff his tongue down my throat, and how the sex ended abruptly.

The humiliation didn't stop as he finished with, "Do you want me to cum inside you or on you?" and my weak, "on me." The abuse carried on and stuck to me for longer than his seven, sweat, and saliva upon my bare skin.

I sat up, not bothering to cover myself, not bothering to make eye contact. I can't remember what he said--any of it. It replays as incoherent words, jumbled, blah blah. And I'm glad I cannot recall word for word what he said to me. That amnesia I experience is much more appreciated than my typical photographic memory that would only serve to help me relive those haunting moments. He verbally attacked everything about me. I was fat, I was stupid, I was weak, I was inferior. As far as I was concerned personally, I was scared.

And a dumbass for inviting him.

No, wait--this time, I was determined to not let myself feel this way. So I didn't.

I texted my friend to come over. She sat with me. Troopers came and I had to sit for five, six, seven hours--in his juices. I wanted to die.

I had given him a simple invite to my hotel room for pizza and tea. I wanted to be held, not handled. I wanted to be listened to, not raped.

[Rive1976]

Im sorry that happened to you.