Looking at abuse from the abuser's perspective...

Through my relationship I've naturally tried to understand why he does what he does, why he does what he does to me, why he says the stupid %#@&#! he says, and I wonder daily if he actually believes what he says and does is justifiable. I have the type of husband that will straight up be cruel with actions and words and not even beg for forgiveness. Most abusers do come back and apologize and possibly beg for forgiveness....the repeated, "I'm sorry's" and "but, I love you's".

I think my husband has molded me. After all I was 16 when I left my parents home to be with him, he was 28.

In the beginning we loved one another. We used to lay in bed together all day. He worked hard made a lot of money and I took care of our home and myself preparing for our first then immediately after, our second child. The verbal abuse eventually was revealed, in the third trimester of my first pregnancy then it continued on through my second. First time he ever laid hands on me I was pregnant with his daughter. Maybe there's something about pregnant women that snap the abusers last nerve or something. Maybe we're to emotional or hormonal and annoying...idk.

Anyway, lately...the abuse had been verbal ever since the cop scare. He has not touched me recently (or yet). He's been saying %#@&#! like, I'm failing in school (although I have a 3.81 gpa), that I am always lying and never telling the truth, that I act ghetto, that I am stupid. Everything I seem to do is wrong...literally everything. Oh, and the new one, ever since the cop incident is I am crazy...a %#@&#! loon. I am a neglectful mother who doesn't care for her children. Stuff to that extent. What I basically am meaning to say about all this %#@&#! is how does he come up with these ideas in his head? Does he truly believe all these accusations, or does he accuse me of them out of anger? I feel I've always loved him, been loyal to him, abided to his every whim, and tooken very good care of his children...and yet, I am always wrong.

(((((((youOme))))))

Just know you are not the wrong one here sweetie. He has issues and it makes HIM feel good to treat you like this......You dont deserve it, noone can tell you what to do, you know in your heart and soul he is in the wrong.

Keep safe, sending you gentle hugs remember no one deserves this kind of treatment, you are a person, not an animal, not even animals should be treated this way....Sorry I cant give advice here, just know I am thinking of you and have ears and a shoulder(well two actually)if you need to reach out anytime.

Don't let him take away your spirit my friend

Jinny xxxxxx

Triggering.... you may not want to read.. it is about my own abusive ex-husband














I don't know if this will help.. but in the hope that it will.. I share this..

I was married for 12 years, when I was 19.. he is 5 years older.

My ex-husband.. not once.. during that 12 years ever said he was "sorry".. or "made up" for what he did... not once..

My body would heal.... but the verbal abuse.. still 23 years later "roams" in my head...

I sought.. and sought answers like you are doing. During the day I was a respected, trusted, well liked professional.. given 3 promotions in 5 years.. at night.. I was called every name in the book.. I was told everything that I did at home was wrong..I was slapped.. kicked.. choked.. locked out of my home in the winter with no coat...so many things..

I can remember.. one time I said to him "I think"... and he said to me " who said you could think.. did I tell you .. you could think"..... shocked me.. I was paid a goodly sum of money for my opinion every working day..
In my home.. I could not even have an opinion...

The answer is that my husband had/has severe.. severe problems.. for anyone to tell someone else that everything they do is wrong ... is a ways and and a means of control..

yes, control... and it works.. this makes you doubt yourself.. robs your self confidence.. until.. perhaps like me.. I felt.. that there was not enough substance to me... to even be able to "cast a shadow on a wall"... there was nothing left of me..

To get my understanding, after my divorce..I contacted the police.. and I went to a men's abuser group.. these were court order men that had to attend this group couseling sessions.. in order to not go to jail.
I got my opportunity.. I asked questions.. and I looked at these men.. and I was amazed.

They.. simply.. wanted.. what they wanted.. at all costs.. and abusing their wives.. got them what they wanted.. They could not identify with their wives pain.. they didn't see it.. they didn't feel it.. nothing..

I have no idea what your husband is.. or is not..

I don't know... what your situation... I shared my own.. so that at least you know you are not alone.

I think abusers must be so desperately insecure that all they can see is their own needs, not those of others. For anyone dependent on them, it can be hell.

I have read these two very familiar rings of truth stories..

And if it is possible to share a mans abuse thinking tale I may actually "O K Submit " this.

Two young people get together at a young age>>>>> And the lust and infatuation is the connecting force.,,,For that time.

Then whatever makes one decide to go to be in such a rage ,,hate,, and belittleing way.>>> I think ,,,tis not possible to say.

Reflecting later and where they might have been in their lives prior to meeting ,,,could possibley open ones eyes of things to come ..

Unfortunately no one has such as it would be a welcomed piece of ornamental display The Crystal Ball that holds that persons life ,,,past ,, present,, and future,,,for all to see.

Walking on eggshells ,,,choosing right words as not to offend .Only to find out later ,, that they were abused themselves ,,,or hurt so deeply.... They no not the freeing feeling of forgiveness... ((( Which will / can /or ,,never come in this lifetime.)))

And yes there is always that things as usual the first few hours of the next day..Maybe.

Then when possible through all the pain ,,,betrayal,,,and lies. Away from all the frustration you disappear,, to no longer be found..
And then to your chagrin,,,,,,,,,,,,finding of the other happens again... And likewise help is the key,,, to unlock that door ,,in which was lived.

And if care was enough ,to stop the hits,, the hateful looks,,,>>> the lies...........................

And sometimes you fall for the know them and wish them no harm,, and all the best. So that door opens again,, and maybe it won't be the same.

Now as you may have quessed,,, and if not I am the one who was hit still deals with the hateful looks and of course ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the lies. ((( Throws hands up in air ))). Walks away>>>> and knows I MUST care..

Funny thing that thing called Karma ..,,, As she asks why her has to be not terriblly old..and going through chemo.>>>>>>>>> But then as I do my best to let her rest,,,,walking on eggshells still,,,,,,,,,,,,and only when she is drunk,,,do I hear her say YOU REALLY DO CARE !!!!!

So everything I have learned to this day,,,,,is I meet a person and I wait a year and a day.. If they are still there and things are ok? I will believe they could/might ,,be a real friend.

youOme, my abuse was different. It was mainly childhood abuse. I have never been in a relationship with a man who abused me, so I don’t have many answers for you. I am replying to your post because I want you to know I am here and I care about you. Although my abuse was different, one thing is in common—the fact that neither one of us deserves to be treated like that—we deserve to be cared for and loved. Please do what you can to take care of yourself.