[happysobercrafter]

Possible trigger:

I am the youngest of three girls, raised by a mother so monstrous, her clinical diagnosis by a therapist I went to for several years, was sadistic psychopath with narcissistic tendencies. I am going to add manipulator to that, because she was. Every ounce she could have been, she was.

She raised my two older sisters to be her thugs. She brainwashed all of us, mostly those two, so that when she wasn’t around, they did her dirty work. Every so often, I would stand up to her but I was outnumbered. They backed each other up.

Their abuse, the three of them, was so violent and overwhelming, that almost my entire childhood is blank. I remember about 20ish things and they are brief snapshots. I only remember what grade I was because of where we lived.

Nothing I ever did was good enough, they punished me, abused me emotionally, verbally, physically. Never did any of them say they loved me or were proud of anything I did. What they did pound into my head along with the verbal abuse was that, under NO circumstances, is anyone outside EVER to find out about the abuse. NEVER. So, I grew up terrified to breathe a word to anyone plus my thinking was so screwed up from their abuse, I did not know what direction to go. When nothing you do is good enough, no choices you make will work. Or that was my experience.

That upbringing catapulted me straight into alcoholism which included self-loathing, self-destruction, promiscuity, neediness, and insecurity. I cannot believe I survived that and am still alive.

Yet, here I am and I am DONE continuing to keep inside of me what I was terrorized into keeping secret. I am done carrying that twisted deviant burden I never chose to take on.

I am 61 and on disability because of that background. I have been in recovery for ages and have made a TON of progress. I am in school to improve my writing skills because I am determined to find the way to support myself and earn a living doing what I love: empowering others by writing as vividly and clearly as possible how I became a drunk bully and cyber-bully, how I behaved and how I have gotten through the issues that fueled that pointless behavior I justified lying to myself.

I have gone from self-loathing and suicidal to genuinely happy and productive. I blog and have been for years. My topic is about recovery in balance. I cover all areas of abuse on it because I know there are millions just like me and probably you, who need to hear that they are not alone and that there are answers for why they do what they do. They can get better and those of us who have been there will make the biggest impression on how we got better. We lived it, we know it inside and out and we can help guide them through.

I am done venting for now. I will continue when I feel the need. Thank you for reading this all of the way through. Xoxox

[12AM]

Sorry you’ve been through all of that. I hope venting here helps though only a bit. Sending hugs

[AmberB96]

Hi there!
For starters, I want to applaud you for taking the time to vent on here. And you are correct, there are others who needed to hear that they are not alone and sharing your story has probably helped them. I am so happy to read that you have seen the destruction and how it has effected you and what it has made you do, but even more, that you were able to overcome it and take efforts to improve yourself and your well being! Keep up your good and hard work!

[happysobercrafter]

12AM and Amber, it helped a LOT!!! I hate that we have gone through such monstrosities but connecting with others who understand, is healing! I am grateful for this forum! It is helping me and that is the BEST!!!

And, Amber, I agree with you 100%. I want to cry when I see the horrors others like us have gone through and I rejoice seeing the impact speaking out has on others like us. The isolation is damaging plus, I did not know I was being abused until I was in my 30s, I think. I read a lot of self-help books and just stumbled onto it. I was floored and shocked! I needed relief, that is what drives me. And along the way, I have learned so much valuable information I know others need to hear!!

I thank you both for your feedback!! xoxox

[Unrigged64072835]

Thank you for doing the work and letting others witness your persistence.