[TwinkleBell]

A long time ago I was married to a man who was emotionally and sexually abusive. The mental side was endless gaslighting to the point where I felt I was going mad. The sexual was never being affectionate, just rather aggressive sex. I would beg for a cuddle and get the sex instead. Always. I have always known this was a form of abuse, and violence, but put it away in a box in my mind.


I just watched a monologue on TV about rape in marriage and realised that was what I had experienced. I cried for hours after the programme. Somehow putting it into this context was more shocking than the way I'd thought about it before. In the monologue the actor said she cried, and the memory suddenly came back to me that I always cried after the violent sex. I never knew why. Now it seems obvious. This was all a long time before rape in marriage was recognised so I never thought of it like that.

There's still stuff going on to do with gaslighting but it is happening to my son not to me, except it is about me. My son doesn't believe anything I say and has an odd view of who I am, and barely sees me. I can't bear the way the past won't leave me alone.

I've had a lot of therapy, I don't want more, I don't feel I need more, I just want to be free of the past still being present.

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you are still struggling with these painful memories. There isn't anything I can offer personally. However here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of how to let go of painful memories, the first by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/learni...ys-to-move-on/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/lettin...ful-over-time/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...nful-emotions/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-r...your-life-now/

By the way, you may have noticed one of the suggestions in the articles above was journaling. I don't know if you've ever tried this. But here are links to some articles that talk about the value of journaling & how to get started:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-hea...of-journaling/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/intros...of-journaling/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/desk-...d-perspective/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/tips-to-start-journaling/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/30-jou...elf-discovery/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/30-mor...elf-discovery/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/4-jour...your-emotions/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...cept-yourself/

My best wishes to you...

[TwinkleBell]

Thanks for your reply and all the links.

I do know about journaling. I have tried it. Hasn't really worked for me. But thanks.

I had let go of it all and moved on. It's been many years. I am just so shocked to be back in it. It's happening again in the present with my son - the gaslighting that is. I am ill and feel I just don't have the energy to expose it as I did before, and move on all over again.