[sukothefox]

Hello everyone. I want to share a story of abuse with a narcissist.
So back in 2017 I met this guy (let's call him X) who joined our lab at the university. To all appearances, he seemed shy, introverted, kind, smart. Etc. Basically a good guy. My best friend who was also at the lab told me more about him, about how he has a lot in common with us because he likes science, pokemon, star wars, etc. My best friend even called him "another Suko" because of how similar we were. So I got intrigued and wanted to know this person better to have a new friend. Due to circumstances, our conversations tended to be short, but interesting. He also claimed to have Aspergers. When I asked him how did he get diagnosed, he said he was self-diagnosed. Now, I tend to be a skeptical person, as an INTJ. In a non-hostile way, I said that self-diagnosis was not a good idea, as that job was better left for a professional who had experience in the area of autism. He even diagnosed me with it, and also my best friend, saying we had some of the traits (which we do). So on one occasion my two best friends were present, and so was X. He kept saying how our professor's daughter had aspergers "because she had the traits". So I decided to tell him like it is, "dude, just because someone is introverted, awkward, and smart does not mean they have aspergers." These discussions happened more than a couple of times, where i would disagree with his claims about autism and he would justify them saying how much denial there was about it. I recommended him a book about this doctor who worked with gifted children who get misdiagnosed with various disorders, Aspergers included, and how these diagnoses are very harmful for a child when they arent warranted, and how it affects them socially, emotionally, and academically. He said he would buy the book and check it out. On one occasion I even asked my girlfriend if she thought I was autistic (she actually has worked with children with autism, providing them treatment and social interaction). She said she did not think I had it, because autism is more than just introversion, awkwardness, and an "obsession". She basically explained to me what I already knew: that there has to be significant impairment in functioning to be diagnosed.
So on another occasion I told X about what my girlfriend had said, and he would reply "well autism is a different functioning of the brain, it is not a disorder. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It's just a different way of processing the world". Which seemed reasonable. Except that such arguments would not refute the points I would make to him: that misdiagnosis is dangerous, and that impairment needs to exist in order for the diagnosis to be warranted.
I even told him once that I did not mean to sound contrarian or like a purposeful asshole, and he said he understood, that he welcomed discussion.
So months passed by uneventfully, and on one night X was "teaching" my best friend how to find missing values in SPSS. I remember that on that day I began to feel something was off about X. So X's teaching method was something akin to the socratic method, asking questions so that you figure it out in your own. So I impulsively answered one question he asked my friend, and X yelled at me telling me to shut up, reaching out to me with his hand. I thought it was funny, but still unnerving.
Another thing I thought was weird was how he would vehemently refuse to make a judgment on anything. We would ask him "what do you think about this thing?" He would say he did not want to make judgments about people, behaviors, or things, as it was wrong to judge and it was for lowlives as he called it. One of my friends described how it was very hard to talk to him, that it felt like he was trying to sound smarter than he was.
On one night at a social, X, my best friend, and I were waiting for more people to come. I had invited my girlfriend, so we were just talking about life. My best friend and I then reminisced about how I like to get a reaction out of him in a light hearted way, and how we enjoy it when we make each other miserable, as my best friend would put it. X simply squinted his eyes at me and asked me "so... you like to get a reaction out of him, and make him miserable??" I explained to X that we meant by miserable to Express pir deepest sincere feelings about problems we have, where we are honest with each other (my group of friends is all about expressing your deepest feelings and emotions, and often we get into really strong stuff, hence making miserable becoming a nickname for those situations). But it all flew over X's head, and he kept insisting that I enjoyed making my friend miserable. Even my friend tried to correct him again and again, but X would just squint and smile in this weird way he has of smiling.
Once my girlfriend arrives, she, my friend and I go into this friendly banter that if you saw it would show how much we are in tune. The only person to be clueless about it was X, he seemed confused. Anyways, X decided to cut any formality and ask my girlfriend "so, to hell with it, I will be direct. What do you think about autism diagnoses, and what Suko says regarding the dangers?" So now my girlfriend and I explained ourselves, and she went into how an autism diagnosis is not just about "being different", that a diagnosis, even if you indeed have some traits, can carry social and occupational repercussions, as it affects how people perceive you and what outcomes you can achieve. We basically debunked his arguments, and he seemed agitated.
So the conversations passed to more common things, and X would try to dominate the conversation. Then my girlfriend was staring into a group of people, and X asked her what was she doing. My girlfriend replied that she was just people watching. X was like "oh yeah! I love to people watch too! It's like the best thing ever!" And then the topic of assholes came up, and I asked her about the story she told me once about this weirdo who approached her at a concert when we were just friends. So my girlfriend told the story, and X said "wow, what was such a young lady as yourself doing so late at night?" I would also notice how X would stare at my girlfriend, but it was not an attraction stare. It was something else. Like he was planning something. It was weird.
So a week later, the event that woke me up occurred.
So the lab Resesrch assistants had a group chat where we would not only plan meetings for research, but also joke around, often in sexist ways (one guy and his gf went into a banter, and he would tell her "shut up woman!"). So one day I decided to call this guy's girlfriend the rib of her boyfriend. Then X texts me both in private and in the group chat saying that he will not stand for misogynistic comments that imply gender inequality, that what I said was wrong and unethical, and that next time he will request I be removed from the chat. That I should keep my comments to myself. Then I get banned from the group, temporarily. In private, I text him that he was a hypocrite, because other jokes that are much worse have been made in the chat and he never said anything. I then went on about how he was exaggerating, and after a few minutes he replies "you seem upset".
I tell what happened to my girlfriend, and she gets really upset and tells me how much ******** it was that I got banned for that, that it's unfair and wrong, and that she knew X was a narcissist. That made me listen, because she is a survivor of abuse against narcissist exes. She said she got a vibe out of X when he saw him at the social, like a mild narc vibe. She advised me to bring up the matter to my professor before he does, and I do. My professor schedules an appointment with me for next week, and I block X from all social media (at that point I was scared that X would scourge through my FB to find stuff that he could use against me to accuse me of being sexist or what not, as I have heard stories). My best friend told me how X was going around saying that I was a misogynist, that I hated women and that I was not to be trusted. That I was immature for having blocked him, that I lacked theory of mind. My best friend tried to defend me "I am not sure he is a woman hater..." but X replied "the fact that you are not sure means you know there is some truth to what I say!" Or something implying that because he said he wasn't sure, it meant I was sexist. But that was not what my friend meant, and he told me he wanted to say more but got interrupted by X.
So next week we have our regular weekly meeting, and X sees me and says hi to me like nothing happened. I said hi back, reluctantly. He then asks me what's wrong, and I tell him that he is a hypocrite, that my joke was not outside of what was outside the bounds of the chat as much worse stuff had been said. X then replies that my joke was really bad, that it goes against the code of the university, and that I need to understand that such behavior is offensive and unethical. So my professor approaches us and ask what's going on. X explains her that "as I told you over the phone yesterday, he made an inappropriate comment, and I am trying to make him understand!" So then my professor, just to dissipate that situation, in a non angry and calm way, tells me to simply not make those jokes again. Again, she was calm, and not angry at all. She even sounded friendly. So the general meeting began and ended. And I met with my professor. I told her what the "inappropriate joke" actually was, and she just frowned as if confused "wait... that was it? What... is so bad... about...that???" I then explained her the reference to Adam and Eve, and she still seemed confused as to why did it seem so bad to X. So she just said that X was exaggerating, that my joke was not bad, but advised me to be careful next time. So my professor was on my side, even though she had a lot of left progressive views (like using latinXs instead of latinos).
So then I text another group chat where X was present and tell X "the professor and I chatted about my joke. And she did not find it offensive (I am looking at you, X)." To which X replied "please refrain from harassing me any further". My best friend told me how X got really upset and said "**** this ****! I do not want to be friends with people like that! I do not want to deal with this ********!"
My best friend would afterward tell me how X kept saying those things about me, that I harassed him, that I was an inconsistent person with a double nature, etc. Even a month afterwards. After the event, I simply employed the gray rock tactic, recommended by my girlfriend. I would simply be polite to X and say no more than necessary, despite he wanting to exert authority on other minor matters.
It came to a point months after that I overheard a conversation he had with my best friend, telling him "I dont understand why I dont have many friends. Like, I have difficulties keeping friendships! And I dont understand why Suko has been distant with me... I didnt do anything to him! I wish he and I were friends again, because I miss our conversations". I could not hear the rest because there was a glass barrier, and apparently he thought I couldn't hear me, but my best friend then told me how X remembered the reasons we stopped talking, like my misogyny and such.
Then when X gets out of the glass office he says Hi to me like nothing happened!
The last interaction I had with him was when he texted me in private asking if he could interview my girlfriend about her experiences with autism. I left it on seen. Then 10 mins. Or so later he texts again "it doesnt have to be in person". Seen again. Then after hours, he texts me again "hey sorry. I found someone else". And I again ignore.
I told my girlfriend about that, she says "like hell I would interview with him! I hate that guy so much!"

There are more details I could not fill in, but I can as questions come by. It was a little nightmarish, as graduate school can be stressful, and that happened close to exam times. Oh I forgot to mention how he tried to guilt trip the day I had the talk with my professor "our professor is really busy. And she has no time to deal with stuff like that! We are also very stressed with the GRE, and we cant be dealing with this kind of stuff as it will impair us!" He is the biggest hypocrite ever: it's ok for him to talk condescendingly to my girlfriend, but not ok for me to make a joke. It's ok for him to tell the professor, but somehow not for me. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my best friend told me that when I made the joke, X was thinking of telling the Dean of the university! But I think X didnt do it because he knew the professor did not see it as offensive.

[sukothefox]

Oh, and he would also claim that PDAs would make him uncomfortable, but he felt no discomfort at talking to taken girls (something my professor noted as well with this other particular girl, the girl that I said was her bf's rib). He even went so far as to buy lubricant for her and her boyfriend, even though he had a crush on her. The level of sickness on this one is something unprecedented.