Victim-Blamed by Therapist?

Possible trigger**

Hi there. I haven’t posted on this forum in like 10 years, but I need some feedback and some reality testing.

I recently started therapy again after a few year hiatus. I had been doing “well enough” with my PTSD from multiple past abuse: 5 years of DV in my late teens and early 20s (I’m 34 now), about 3 years of CSA from a relative, and one sexual assault in college (with other “smaller traumas”but those don’t impact as much). I initially started therapy to cope with a medical diagnosis which was uncovering some communication problems with my husband. I then realized that the communication issues (my role in them) were in part reactions to past trauma, particular the 5 year DV relationship, so we’ve shifted our focus to trauma therapy in the past couple weeks.

So in session today I was describing some of the more intense incidents of abuse from my ex (hard to recall everything bc 5 years is a long time and also because of dissociation during some of these events). When we had about 10 min left in session, my T asked me what led to me stay for so long. I gave answers such as fear (he had blackmailed me and threatened me with social sabotage), social isolation, shame/embarrassment, questioning if the abuse was real bc gaslighting, him threatening suicide so I felt guilty, not wanting to leave my animals, etc. You know, a lot of the regular abuse dynamics that keep people trapped in those situations. But she wanted me to go deeper than that, like she wanted me to identify aspects of my personality that made me keep going back. To me, it felt a little like victim blaming, but I don’t know if I was being overly sensitive, so I said I couldn’t really come up with an answer other than what I what already said. She wants me to reflect on it further.

Does this sound like victim blaming in a way, or does it sound it could be something else?

TIA. ❤️, Sam

Hm... it does sound a little victim blamey to me, but she probably didn't mean it in that way. It is important, so I'm told, to reflect on the ways abuse changes our personalities, and makes us more susceptible to more abuse. Abuse can plant deep shame in us, and feelings of unworthiness. Maybe that's what she was getting at?


I can't say for sure! If that's something you're sensitive to, you could always bring it up with her next session.

It's difficult to know what she meant without actually hearing the tone of voice in which she posed the question. That said, it sounds to me like she asked the question because she does want you to reflect on the reasons you stayed.

unless she said "sam i am, its your fault for going back" she is unlikely to be victim blaming you.


it sounds like she wants you to stop with the "generic reasons people stay in dv situations" and go deeper and identify what it was about you and in you that made you feel that you deserved to stay in a relationship that was so hurtful to you.


you know what it is...that little voice in the back of your head that told you this is all you deserve...most of us who have been abused have that little voice... she just wants you to recognize its presence and figure out what is fueling it. maybe if you are more aware of it it will help you recognize your true self worth and prevent you accepting a similar situation in the future.


also- it might be helpful to tell her that you didnt understand the question that way she might have meant it and you felt a little hurt by it (at the same time i think that surface hurt might be an unconscious defense by you to NOT go deeper and look at the reason- because whatever it is is very painful.)

It doesn't sound like victim-blaming to me, although I can see why it could be taken that way.

I also had to examine what was in me that made me keep going back. That doesn't mean it was my fault, or that I asked for it. The only real question was, why did I tolerate it? We can't change the fact that they are abusers. But we can change the fact that we put up with it. And to stop putting up with it, we have to explore why we do.

For me, there were many factors. I didn't want to end my marriage because I didn't want to go down the same road of divorces and remarriages that my mother went down. (I did anyway, although not as many.) I was also being counseled that my children need both parents, and it would be unfair to split up their home. (No more unfair than letting them see Daddy abusing Mommy, is it?) But perhaps the biggest was that I believed I deserved what I was getting. My self-esteem was so low, I honestly thought an abusive alcoholic/addict was the best I could get. I didn't think any man of any real quality would have anything to do with me, and in fact *he* was a saint to put up with *me.* (Which is exactly what he wanted me to think, so I'd be less likely to leave him.)

I had to convince myself that I really *did* deserve better. Only then did I stop tolerating abuse, and therefore stop attracting it.

I stayed with an abusive husband for 31 years, so understand all of the dynamics. It sounds to me as if she did not get it (sadly, some t's have no training in abuse)...sounds as if she was blaming you. you are NOT overreacting. Sounds as if she wanted some other kind of reason....very ignorant of her!

Sweetie: I do NOT believe we "attract" abusers; it is just that there are so many out there.1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted in their lifetime and it all begins with verbal abuse. I stayed for 31 years and then got a divorce. xoxoxo

It sounds to me too, that she didn’t get it.

Please don't call me "Sweetie." I'm not a child, and it's condescending.

Yes! Some therapist are really bad. I had some experience in that myself

It not your fault!

Nobody ever said it was.

I need thought about that point of view!

I agreel