Situation:
The constant verbal abuse you receive is so subtle and hard to point a finger at that it almost works like an inside-joke--only you and the abuser know what's really going on. Even though behaviors speaks louder than words, these behaviors never manifest themselves when witnesses are around--so it's your word against his/hers.

Confronting such emotional abuser with an above-average intelligence comes with at least a coulple of risks:

1). S/he knows how to cleverly twist your words around and use them against you--the more you say, the more ammunitions s/he has against you.

2). It gives him or her another opportunity to play mind games with you. With each confrontation comes a denial, an excuse, or a suggestion that you are mentally-ill. Because s/he thrives on reactions, you end up feeding his or her sick and sadistic enjoyment of seeing you become more and more frustrated.

Question:
So how do you confront such an insidious emotional abuser without giving him or her the power to affect you? You know s/he would not admit to anything or understand, so that is not the goal of confrontation. The goal is to show him or her that you have the backbone to speak up for yourself, like standing up to a bully.

[TishaBuv]

I get what you are saying. The more clever one is, the more skillfully they can twist and turn. I have a black belt in emotional brainwashing BS having lived it over 50 years with many high IQ individuals. (Also C-PTSD!)

Every psychological article I read ultimately says just end toxic relationships. There’s no winning.

[Bill3]

So how do you confront such an insidious emotional abuser without giving him or her the power to affect you?

You don’t.

You stop seeing that person.

The goal is to show him or her that you have the backbone to speak up for yourself, like standing up to a bully.

With respect, I think the goal is to have a healthier, happier life. Trying to show them something, trying to get their acknowledgment of your strength, puts your happiness solely in their hands. What if (as is likely) they never give you that satisfaction?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You don’t.

You stop seeing that person.


With respect, I think the goal is to have a healthier, happier life. Trying to show them something, trying to get their acknowledgment of your strength, puts your happiness solely in their hands. What if (as is likely) they never give you that satisfaction?

I am glad to hear your partner? has a high IQ. Chances are that you do too. Psychological violence (sounds like that is what your describing) is just as hurtful as any other type of violence. What I've learned is that although confrontation is a healthy step towards resolution, is not the best way to begin to break a cycle of violence. Talk to someone about finding ways to develop new patterns of communication with your partner? Sometimes that means knowing when to end a conversation, walk away or simply change the subject. Good luck. I hope you find help. Abuse in relationships should not be tolerated.

[nicoleflynn]

Verbal abuse is literally brainwashing; that is why it is so confusing and insidious; You cannot fight back; they have a comment for everything and do NOt care about your feelings; you can walk away when it begins or hang up the phone. I do think it is important (for yourself) to let them know what they are doing, and then remove yourself. you can say; we will not have a conversation if you CHOOSE (ABUSE is always a choice) to disrespect/abuse me. They will usually argue with you...do not argue. They are emotional vampires and constantly need their "fix"--their fix is you responding. Abuse is like having rocks thrown at you, and you would never tolerate that. They are insecure. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life; Ithink it should be read by every one on the planet. Verbal abuse affects us physically, also; everytime you are under attack, your body releases cortisol;cortisol damages the immune system; I left after 31 years of verbal abuse, and have joked that it is a miracle I am still alive! You cannot change or help an abuser.

Sad to say I met an emotional abuser who is in the mental health field and he is very skilled at abusing and teaching others to abuse. Very scary. Very sad to experience it.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You don’t.

You stop seeing that person.


With respect, I think the goal is to have a healthier, happier life. Trying to show them something, trying to get their acknowledgment of your strength, puts your happiness solely in their hands. What if (as is likely) they never give you that satisfaction?

Then the battle just rages on until death.

[TishaBuv]

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/art...g-08-01940.pdf

Originally Posted by Heartlight

Sad to say I met an emotional abuser who is in the mental health field and he is very skilled at abusing and teaching others to abuse. Very scary. Very sad to experience it.

Yes, there is an abuse of knowledge/ power (as knowledge = power). Some people use it to help others or improve themselves; while others use it to manipulate others, or to conceal themselves (i.e. educating themselves on all the signs to learn how to avoid displaying them until they hook you).

But my experience helped me to be more vigilant in the future, so in a way...that's the positive that came out of it.