[HowCanIKnow]

I'm not currently seeing a therapist, so I don't have anyone to discuss this with. I've occasionally lurked the boards here and thought I'd post to see what people thought of this situation...

Growing up I was molested by my father. Like literally everything except full penetration. I want to get over it. I want to get past it. But I hate him. I don't want to have anything to do with him. If he died, my feelings wouldn't change.
Yet being a Christian I've been taught all my life about forgiveness. But how do you forgive something like that? The biggest hold up for me is that he lied about it when I finally told. He made me seem like a liar. And my entire family basically labeled me as troubled. Even my mother.
It hurts and I have tears in my eyes right now saying that. No one believed me. In fact, my mother started blaming me. She accused me of fantasizing about her husband. Stuff got really bad at home and I was very much abused during my teen years even after the sexual abuse stopped.
Anyway, my parents have been divorced for a few years and I haven't seen my dad in about 8 years. I also haven't seen the paternal side of my family in about 10 years.
Recently, I reconnected with them and they invited my siblings and me for Thanksgiving. We already had plans for Thanksgiving, but we decided to go the day after. Everyone on my paternal side of the family from all over the country and outside the country is going to be there. In our excitement, we forgot that also means our dad is going to be there.
My dad was somewhat mean and abusive to my siblings as well and he also cheated on my mom, so they aren't interested in seeing him either. As the oldest, I have the most influential decision.
I miss that side of the family. We were close when I was young. I am now married with a child of my own. I missed my grandfather's funeral and I regret it. He never got to meet his only great grandchild. My paternal side is not American. Although I live in the US, I associate heavily with the other side. I want my son to know his heritage.
I can't imagine there ever being an opportunity to see everyone on that side of the family without my dad being present. Because of the distance, it would have to be a family event or holiday to bring everyone together. We certainly can't afford to fly to California, Hawaii, Europe, and Florida to visit everyone who isn't within driving distance.
I don't know how to handle this situation. If I go, will seeing him make me too angry to enjoy myself? Will I be anxious and stressed? Or will I be sad and tearful?
Also, how do I move on? It's been nearly a decade and many therapists later but my emotions still range from wanting to bash his face in with my fists to wanting to curl up in a ball crying hysterically.

[nicoleflynn]

I don't know how one moves on, or even what that means. I was molested and abused as a child, and live with it. I think that writing a letter of restorative justice helps you...restorative justice means...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for you, not the criminal. When we are children we have no voice, but as adults we can stand up and confront the abuser. I think it is empowering to do that. It happened 50 years ago for me, and of course was traumatic, so I decided to live my life with as much passion and joy as I could; I used my life story and won a scholarship at age 60 and am a Sophomore at 72! Most abusers will never admit or apologize for their crimes. I am so sorry at what happened to you; sadly it is all too frequent. I like the letter of restorative justice because you get to say what you need to, and unlike confronting an abuser in person they cannot deny, overtalk or argue with you.

[Nilu]

I know its past the holiday and i hope you were able to enjoy it. May i suggest trying different therapies until you find something that relieves you in a way that you find some sort if acceptance. I can't say what that is. It could be volunteering at a local women's shelter one day. Everyone has their own path and no two are the same. That was a horrible experience for a chums to endure. The bravery it took to tell it only to be held responsible and called a liar. May you find peace. 💓💓