[alcollins]

Last post for the night.

October hit the year mark of leaving my emotionally and verbally abusive family.

When I left, I originally wanted to stay in contact with them, and simply live without them. I wanted to believe being around one another 24/7 was the issue. After a few months of my mom showing up at my work, and saying really terrible things, I stopped responding to them.

I wanted to still receive their messages-- to believe one day they'd change, and things could go back to the way they were (or how they should be). But the messages never changed.

A few months on my own, my grandmother (dad's side/mom's ex mother in law) offered to buy me a beater car to help me as I suddenly was on my own. My mom disowned her, and told her really terrible things. In response, my grandma sold the car, and I was back on my own. I tried so hard to stay in contact with someone-- anyone in my family. But every time I start to let my guard down, the whole visit becomes them telling me that I *need* to reconcile with my mom. That I'm terrible for not explaining conditions to continue the relationship.

The thing is, I was thrown out originally by my mom. I came back the next day to tell her why I wouldn't live with her anymore. When her messages never changed, I told her I wouldn't talk to her because of her hurting me. But she is telling everyone that I just left, stopped talking to her, and she has no idea why. So I'm perceived by my extended family as the bad guy. My friends (who took me in and try so hard to help me understand family doesn't have to be blood) have listened to my side. They know I blame myself more than anyone. They have read pages of my conversations with my mom.

I have a distinct memory of after 2 months away, I got a really hurtful rant from my mom, and I was fed up. I took a screenshot and sent it to my friend, who I figured was still asleep in the other room (she sleeps with her phone completely off). I got up, and made some hot chocolate to distract myself, and while it was heating up, she came out in tears and just held me in a hug. Eventually she muttered something about how none of it was fair, and I didn’t do anything wrong, but yet I still blame myself.

I went to therapy. I went to lots of therapists. None of them worked—either they were interns and not able to help as much as a licensed therapist, or wouldn’t call me back, or (my personal favorite) quit the company so I couldn’t see them anymore. I have medicare, because I’m paying completely for myself now, and I’m broke, so I can’t afford therapists and my insurance only has a select few they’d pay for. I want to go back, even though most seemed to not be concerned about my situation (because I undermine every single part of myself), and I feel very defeated in that area.

I thought the year mark in October would be where I hit an all time low, but it hit all through the holidays. Things still don’t feel real, the bombardment of calls and messages from relatives finally broke me down to block them. But apparently you have to pay to block voicemails. I pushed everyone who really do care away and out of my life. My cat didn’t trust me to be alone. I slept all the time and had really dark thoughts. Now that they’re over, I’m only now coming out of that mindset and trying to talk about it. My problem is I had 19 years of my life not allowed to talk about my feelings or circumstances, so find I can only express myself in writing. So here I am. Ranting very generally about my year and how hard it is and how while friends try to be supportive, all they can say is, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” It makes it feel like nobody knows when maybe some do. I don’t know. All I know is it’s been over a year. My non-blood family doesn’t feel real, my new adopted cat (whom I love and has as many issues as I do) doesn’t feel really mine, sleeping doesn’t feel real, everything feels like it’s not truly happening. Like my nightmare hasn’t ended and I need to wake up. Even after a year, these feelings haven't left. I want to go home. But that home isn’t what I project it to be.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by alcollins

Last post for the night.

October hit the year mark of leaving my emotionally and verbally abusive family.

When I left, I originally wanted to stay in contact with them, and simply live without them. I wanted to believe being around one another 24/7 was the issue. After a few months of my mom showing up at my work, and saying really terrible things, I stopped responding to them.

I wanted to still receive their messages-- to believe one day they'd change, and things could go back to the way they were (or how they should be). But the messages never changed.

A few months on my own, my grandmother (dad's side/mom's ex mother in law) offered to buy me a beater car to help me as I suddenly was on my own. My mom disowned her, and told her really terrible things. In response, my grandma sold the car, and I was back on my own. I tried so hard to stay in contact with someone-- anyone in my family. But every time I start to let my guard down, the whole visit becomes them telling me that I *need* to reconcile with my mom. That I'm terrible for not explaining conditions to continue the relationship.

The thing is, I was thrown out originally by my mom. I came back the next day to tell her why I wouldn't live with her anymore. When her messages never changed, I told her I wouldn't talk to her because of her hurting me. But she is telling everyone that I just left, stopped talking to her, and she has no idea why. So I'm perceived by my extended family as the bad guy. My friends (who took me in and try so hard to help me understand family doesn't have to be blood) have listened to my side. They know I blame myself more than anyone. They have read pages of my conversations with my mom.

I have a distinct memory of after 2 months away, I got a really hurtful rant from my mom, and I was fed up. I took a screenshot and sent it to my friend, who I figured was still asleep in the other room (she sleeps with her phone completely off). I got up, and made some hot chocolate to distract myself, and while it was heating up, she came out in tears and just held me in a hug. Eventually she muttered something about how none of it was fair, and I didn’t do anything wrong, but yet I still blame myself.

I went to therapy. I went to lots of therapists. None of them worked—either they were interns and not able to help as much as a licensed therapist, or wouldn’t call me back, or (my personal favorite) quit the company so I couldn’t see them anymore. I have medicare, because I’m paying completely for myself now, and I’m broke, so I can’t afford therapists and my insurance only has a select few they’d pay for. I want to go back, even though most seemed to not be concerned about my situation (because I undermine every single part of myself), and I feel very defeated in that area.

I thought the year mark in October would be where I hit an all time low, but it hit all through the holidays. Things still don’t feel real, the bombardment of calls and messages from relatives finally broke me down to block them. But apparently you have to pay to block voicemails. I pushed everyone who really do care away and out of my life. My cat didn’t trust me to be alone. I slept all the time and had really dark thoughts. Now that they’re over, I’m only now coming out of that mindset and trying to talk about it. My problem is I had 19 years of my life not allowed to talk about my feelings or circumstances, so find I can only express myself in writing. So here I am. Ranting very generally about my year and how hard it is and how while friends try to be supportive, all they can say is, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” It makes it feel like nobody knows when maybe some do. I don’t know. All I know is it’s been over a year. My non-blood family doesn’t feel real, my new adopted cat (whom I love and has as many issues as I do) doesn’t feel really mine, sleeping doesn’t feel real, everything feels like it’s not truly happening. Like my nightmare hasn’t ended and I need to wake up. Even after a year, these feelings haven't left. I want to go home. But that home isn’t what I project it to be.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you! I assure you that I do understand.

[Abusedbysister]

Originally Posted by alcollins

Last post for the night.

October hit the year mark of leaving my emotionally and verbally abusive family.

When I left, I originally wanted to stay in contact with them, and simply live without them. I wanted to believe being around one another 24/7 was the issue. After a few months of my mom showing up at my work, and saying really terrible things, I stopped responding to them.

I wanted to still receive their messages-- to believe one day they'd change, and things could go back to the way they were (or how they should be). But the messages never changed.

A few months on my own, my grandmother (dad's side/mom's ex mother in law) offered to buy me a beater car to help me as I suddenly was on my own. My mom disowned her, and told her really terrible things. In response, my grandma sold the car, and I was back on my own. I tried so hard to stay in contact with someone-- anyone in my family. But every time I start to let my guard down, the whole visit becomes them telling me that I *need* to reconcile with my mom. That I'm terrible for not explaining conditions to continue the relationship.

The thing is, I was thrown out originally by my mom. I came back the next day to tell her why I wouldn't live with her anymore. When her messages never changed, I told her I wouldn't talk to her because of her hurting me. But she is telling everyone that I just left, stopped talking to her, and she has no idea why. So I'm perceived by my extended family as the bad guy. My friends (who took me in and try so hard to help me understand family doesn't have to be blood) have listened to my side. They know I blame myself more than anyone. They have read pages of my conversations with my mom.

I have a distinct memory of after 2 months away, I got a really hurtful rant from my mom, and I was fed up. I took a screenshot and sent it to my friend, who I figured was still asleep in the other room (she sleeps with her phone completely off). I got up, and made some hot chocolate to distract myself, and while it was heating up, she came out in tears and just held me in a hug. Eventually she muttered something about how none of it was fair, and I didn’t do anything wrong, but yet I still blame myself.

I went to therapy. I went to lots of therapists. None of them worked—either they were interns and not able to help as much as a licensed therapist, or wouldn’t call me back, or (my personal favorite) quit the company so I couldn’t see them anymore. I have medicare, because I’m paying completely for myself now, and I’m broke, so I can’t afford therapists and my insurance only has a select few they’d pay for. I want to go back, even though most seemed to not be concerned about my situation (because I undermine every single part of myself), and I feel very defeated in that area.

I thought the year mark in October would be where I hit an all time low, but it hit all through the holidays. Things still don’t feel real, the bombardment of calls and messages from relatives finally broke me down to block them. But apparently you have to pay to block voicemails. I pushed everyone who really do care away and out of my life. My cat didn’t trust me to be alone. I slept all the time and had really dark thoughts. Now that they’re over, I’m only now coming out of that mindset and trying to talk about it. My problem is I had 19 years of my life not allowed to talk about my feelings or circumstances, so find I can only express myself in writing. So here I am. Ranting very generally about my year and how hard it is and how while friends try to be supportive, all they can say is, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” It makes it feel like nobody knows when maybe some do. I don’t know. All I know is it’s been over a year. My non-blood family doesn’t feel real, my new adopted cat (whom I love and has as many issues as I do) doesn’t feel really mine, sleeping doesn’t feel real, everything feels like it’s not truly happening. Like my nightmare hasn’t ended and I need to wake up. Even after a year, these feelings haven't left. I want to go home. But that home isn’t what I project it to be.

sorry to hear about your ordeal. I have been emotionally and verbally abused (as well as physically very severely) by my sister and can relate to you. I have gone through similar stages including being broke and have no where to turn. With the help of caring therapists, I have tried to make a distinction between allies and those who abuse. My situation is so embarrassing and humiliating that it is even hard to talk to therapists or any friend about it, but I have limited my contacts with my abuser but try to make sure I have few good allies. Try to be close to those who can help you go through this and do not isolate yourself.

[alcollins]

Originally Posted by Abusedbysister

My situation is so embarrassing and humiliating that it is even hard to talk to therapists or any friend about it, but I have limited my contacts with my abuser but try to make sure I have few good allies.

I definitely understand the feeling of embarrassment/humiliation. I was raised believing I overreacted to my treatment, and now it's all I know. It feels like I'm overreacting to my life, even though the pain is very real. When I'm overwhelmed with my daily routine, I notice I cope by using melodrama. I won’t say, “I’m so anxious about blocking my family.” I’ll say, “And now it’s obvious I refuse to let anyone contact me.” (that was a terrible example..) But in my mind, my anxieties and traumas won’t be listened to if I truly feel them.

I had to grow up at a young age, so all my friends are about 8-10 years older than me, which is nice because I can say they chose me when statistically they didn't have to. But they can only help so much. And can only push me to go back to therapy. I feel bad for making them listen to when I’m freaking out over something. But I am lucky for the small group I have. They do way more than could ever be expected of them.

[Marylin]

I was abused for years by my mother and sister,37 years.I went no contact with my sister 4 years ago but 3 years into that she got spare keys and let herself into my home without my knowledge or permission,then she got me back texting with her.She sucked me back in via my mother.I am now 7 weeks no contact with both.I lost hope either of them will ever love me and with that realisation that they only ever needed me for their own selfish reasons and don't care on iota about me or my health the nightmare ended.I think wanting them to be the ideal loving family and hoping that will be the reality one day leaves you stuck thinking it's your problem your fault they are not that.Instead I can now see they are the problem and will never be part of the solution.So they are gone and my life is so much better now I am in no doubt that they are violent and abusive and my problem was that and them.I took back control saw they were narc and saw I would never win what I wanted from them,love.But I could love myself,unpick the brainwashing program they fed my mind and wake up from the nightmare and live the reality that I am better and happier and healthier without them!Until you gain back control of both your heart and head over this you will live in a fog and a nightmare.You can wake up and take back power.