[HD7970GHZ]

Hi Everyone,

In my quest to understand the underlying motivations of abusers who aim to silence their victims - I would like to ask the community to share their insights about the malicious strategies and tactics used by abusers.

In short, I believe there is a pattern of behavior when it comes to silencing victims - and if those patterns can be identified and quantified - they can be studied and potentially used to help protect survivors and penalize abusers.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[CrystalGirlx]

Hmmmm. My ex would often tell me I shouldn't be sharing information so readily with people. It was okay if I shared good things, but heaven forbid I told anyone that he spent the night before cursing me out for something ridiculous. I was a "gossiper", "blabber mouth", etc. It got to a point where he would just tell me I was a pathological liar and flat out deny that he ever said anything nasty to me at all. I brought up him calling me the C word the next day and he raged about how he was sick of my pathological lying.

I ended up so confused, scared, and stressed that I just broke down. Gaslighting is a common way for abusers to silence their victims.

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by CrystalGirlx

Hmmmm. My ex would often tell me I shouldn't be sharing information so readily with people. It was okay if I shared good things, but heaven forbid I told anyone that he spent the night before cursing me out for something ridiculous. I was a "gossiper", "blabber mouth", etc. It got to a point where he would just tell me I was a pathological liar and flat out deny that he ever said anything nasty to me at all. I brought up him calling me the C word the next day and he raged about how he was sick of my pathological lying.

I ended up so confused, scared, and stressed that I just broke down. Gaslighting is a common way for abusers to silence their victims.

Thank you for sharing CrystalGirlx,

I agree with you and my heart goes out to you! Gaslighting hurts so much. I want you to know that you are not alone. I am sure you already know this.

How have you managed to cope with this? When other people do it to you does your body have a physiological reaction?

Thanks,
Hd7970ghz

Hi, that's a great question. First of all, let's remember that before the abuser starts abusing you, he "sets up" some tools that make it is harder for you to reach out for help.
And once you catch onto his abuse and he feels threatened that you will break your silence, he will start utilizing these tools. Below are some examples:

1). Mutual contacts: The abuser has encroached onto your social life and have established a reputation, or even friendships with your inner circle...including your therapist.

When you are about to break your silence, he will subtly remind you of the fact that he is on good terms with the people in your life ("Oh, I had lunch with Auntie Beth the other day, she wants to know how you are doing") making you feel discouraged because it's his word against yours. He is a great actor and you don't feel that anyone will believe you over him.

He has also created some strong bond with your family members, and he will use that to his advantage when he feels threatened. He may say something like, "Oh, Tommy calls me uncle. How can I say goodbye to him on his birthday tomorrow? It will break his heart."

2). Isolation and triangulation: He has lied to you in the past that some of your friends were talking bad about you. He has selected to get rid of some of your sharpest friends who won't buy into his acting. So you have distanced yourself or have cut contact with them. It's hard for you to ask them for help or even reach them now after not contacting them for a long time. He may even hint that no one will be on your side by saying something like, "Too bad Candy is not here to help you."

3). Finances. He has "offered" to take care of all of your bills, and create a joint bank account with you. When you are about to break your silence, he will freeze your account and ask you to give back the car, the cell phone, etc. He will say, "It's my phone, I pay the bills," so you cannot text your friends for help.

In sum, it is imporatnt to have a support system for yourself when you leave an abuser.

[CrystalGirlx]

Originally Posted by ennie

Hi, that's a great question. First of all, let's remember that before the abuser starts abusing you, he "sets up" some tools that make it is harder for you to reach out for help.
And once you catch onto his abuse and he feels threatened that you will break your silence, he will start utilizing these tools. Below are some examples:

1). Mutual contacts: The abuser has encroached onto your social life and have established a reputation, or even friendships with your inner circle...including your therapist.

When you are about to break your silence, he will subtly remind you of the fact that he is on good terms with the people in your life ("Oh, I had lunch with Auntie Beth the other day, she wants to know how you are doing") making you feel discouraged because it's his word against yours. He is a great actor and you don't feel that anyone will believe you over him.

He has also created some strong bond with your family members, and he will use that to his advantage when he feels threatened. He may say something like, "Oh, Tommy calls me uncle. How can I say goodbye to him on his birthday tomorrow? It will break his heart."

2). Isolation and triangulation: He has lied to you in the past that some of your friends were talking bad about you. He has selected to get rid of some of your sharpest friends who won't buy into his acting. So you have distanced yourself or have cut contact with them. It's hard for you to ask them for help or even reach them now after not contacting them for a long time. He may even hint that no one will be on your side by saying something like, "Too bad Candy is not here to help you."

3). Finances. He has "offered" to take care of all of your bills, and create a joint bank account with you. When you are about to break your silence, he will freeze your account and ask you to give back the car, the cell phone, etc. He will say, "It's my phone, I pay the bills," so you cannot text your friends for help.

In sum, it is imporatnt to have a support system for yourself when you leave an abuser.

2) My ex was huge on isolation. He use to frequent bars in my area and tell me things like:

Your friends were right about you. They say you lie.
People come up to me and warn me about you.
Everyone knows you abuse me.
Everyone was right about you.

When prompted for an explanation of who everyone was I was given the silent treatment. When asked what was said, it was always generic answers. But, he knew...everyone. In the weakened state I was in I truly believed he may have actually had people talking badly about me and really saying all of this. I lost trust in almost everyone and was suspicious of who may or may not be speaking to him behind my back. My good friends, the ones who saw through his abuse ended up being no good and poor influences.

[Amyjay]

This has already been studied extensively and there is a lot of understanding about abuser tactics for silencing victims. It's the same old same old.

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

This has already been studied extensively and there is a lot of understanding about abuser tactics for silencing victims. It's the same old same old.

Thank you for posting! Can you please post links to some stuff that you are referring to? I would love to see it!!

Thanks,
Hd7970ghz

[Amyjay]

Just google it. A simple search turns up a heap of stuff.

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full...1.2017.1320777
Grooming Dynamic of CSA
Domestic Violence and Abuse in Intimate Relationship from Public Health Perspective
https://www.speakcdn.com/assets/2497...at_to_whom.pdf
Montana Voices: This is how abusers silence their victims ~ Missoula Current

Abusers of all kinds have been using the same basic tactics since forever.

[sarahsweets]

There is always gaslighting and not taking responsibility for their abuse:
"You know I would never hurt you"
"If you hadnt done that I wouldnt have done this"
" if you would just listen"
"why did you make me do that"

[WishfulThinker66]

Isolating the victim is definitely part of it, making the victim then dependent upon the abuser for getting out to do basic tasks and limited socializing with the abuser's circle on his terms.

When it would come to socialising, my abuser would horn in on everything, even talking over me and taking over what I had to say. It really added to my sense of worthlessness.

And they do everything they can to belittle the victim chipping away at their sense of worth and esteem.

In the end, the abuser makes the victim feel so unworthy and helpless that they end up feeling they can't make a go of it on their own and are dependent upon the abuser. "You are worthless and lucky you at least have me," sort of thing.

All in all, the abuser makes the victim feel that getting away is an overwhelming impossiblity. At this point the abuser has won and has complete control. The same is true of abusive employers.

In the end, the fear of the unknown (escaping the situations) is scarier than the known. This is why most are unable to walk away from such situations.

[TishaBuv]

They lobby the other people who might be support for you and vilify you to them, causing them to form negative opinions of you, that incredulously they are unable to dispel no matter the facts as to your innocence.

Worst case scenario... they do away with you altogether.

[CrystalGirlx]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

They lobby the other people who might be support for you and vilify you to them, causing them to form negative opinions of you, that incredulously they are unable to dispel no matter the facts as to your innocence.

Worst case scenario... they do away with you altogether.

My ex tried that. He went around telling people he thought I purposely took my anti depressant to cause a miscarriage. He also called my mother once and said something along the lines of "I am going to tell you what type of person your daughter really is". ....she hung up. I was fortunate enough to have a strong peer group and even his friends warned me something wasn't right anymore and to stay away.

It really says something that your friend of 30 years tells your significant other to not continue to date you because you are not the person he knew anymore.

[Abusedbysister]

THREAT THREAT - My sister used to threaten to hurt me real bad if I old anyone about some Of the things she did to me when our parents were not home (like kicking me in the privates). Since she used to beat me up all the time, especially when our parents were not home (which was quite regular), I knew she was capable of doing some of the things that she threatened to do to me if I told anyone.
CONTROL - she used to control everything when my parents were not home including food, TV, etc, and confidence was so low that I was at a mindset I couldn’t really do anything without her approval.
SHAME - I was the older brother and I was ashamed of losing fights to her and getting hurt so badly often. I was ashamed of admitting it to anyone (although everyone knew). She knew that. She often reminded of me of being a “sissy”, “loser” and “the girl in the family”.

My hugs to everyone here.

[nicoleflynn]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

Isolating the victim is definitely part of it, making the victim then dependent upon the abuser for getting out to do basic tasks and limited socializing with the abuser's circle on his terms.

When it would come to socialising, my abuser would horn in on everything, even talking over me and taking over what I had to say. It really added to my sense of worthlessness.

And they do everything they can to belittle the victim chipping away at their sense of worth and esteem.

In the end, the abuser makes the victim feel so unworthy and helpless that they end up feeling they can't make a go of it on their own and are dependent upon the abuser. "You are worthless and lucky you at least have me," sort of thing.

All in all, the abuser makes the victim feel that getting away is an overwhelming impossiblity. At this point the abuser has won and has complete control. The same is true of abusive employers.

In the end, the fear of the unknown (escaping the situations) is scarier than the known. This is why most are unable to walk away from such situations.

It took me 31 years to leave the abuser. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

[MissLead]

"Why are you posting pictures of me (us) on FB" at first, then encouraging me to downsize my 'friend' list to people I'm actually "friends" with - all under the guise of FB privacy is questionable

"Stop telling people things about me" is another one - not that he's sick with the flu, or that things aren't going well with his boss, or anything at all really.


Bad-mouthing his neighbors, even though I was always on good terms with them, telling me not to talk to them (they 'hate' him) - turns out he told them I knew about all the other women he'd been bringing home.....guess he didn't want me to find out
"It's none of anyone's business what I do"

"Why do you talk to her, she doesn't even like you and is only using you"

etc. etc. etc.

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

And they do everything they can to belittle the victim chipping away at their sense of worth and esteem.

I agree. Causing mental breakdown is one of the abuser's strategies. You are exhausted and agitated from the abuse, but he looks perfectly calm and "normal" before others. You think you are not going to be believed because you appear far less emotionally stable than he appears.

I remember sitting next to an abuser and noticing that part of my body (legs or hands) was involuntarily shaking. Things like that make you self-conscious and you lose the confidence to articulate your story; especially against the abuser who is a good-talker with high-social status.

[HD7970GHZ]

Interesting discussion and valid points. I am so happy you have all shared your hard earned insights. It's interesting that abusers utilize the same tactics. Disturbing to realize how many people actually do these things.

My heart goes out to all of you.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz