[TishaBuv]

The remedy to my toxic relationship is to end it. This means being alone. I have never done this before in my life. I am in my 50’s and not ok in so many areas; physically, emotionally (many reasons why perhaps?). I’m truly terrified.

I can’t even pinpoint what it is that terrifies me so.

The worst is I will not have the strength and resilience to survive (my own depression). But, I have shown that strength already while suffering through the hell I’ve been living. Hmmmm

[gmts]

There is quite a chance that it could have to do with early childhood experiences. In my case it was for sure, as I had a poor attachment(anxious-ambivalent) with my depressive mother and a little kid. But there could be also other reasons for it. What helped me a lot to work with EMDR on this issue.

[sarahsweets]

Can you set up a support system of family/friends/therapist ahead of time so they are ready to help you?

[nicoleflynn]

The reason I waited so long to get a divorce.....31 years,was the fear of being alone. Ihave now been alone for 18 years! It gets a little easier...little by little. I was in my 50's when I got the divorce (31 years of abuse)...The one sentence that helped me the most : "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself....win." I had to figure out paying bills, car stuff, home maintenance.....It was the fear of the unknown. It took all of the courage I had to leave, so I understand your feelings. If you wish, you can pm me. xo

You say you have "terrifying fear". Somehow, that is what you need to treat. Fear makes us run or freeze and sometimes if our fear is strong then we either do (want to run instead or stand up inappropriately) or don't (stay when we should leave) do things based on fear causing us not to make the best decisions. Treat the fear and perhaps you won't feel as "stuck".

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by gmts

There is quite a chance that it could have to do with early childhood experiences. In my case it was for sure, as I had a poor attachment(anxious-ambivalent) with my depressive mother and a little kid. But there could be also other reasons for it. What helped me a lot to work with EMDR on this issue.

I have a history of all sorts; early childhood, heredity. The last psy I saw recommended I go elsewhere to get EMDR. I didn’t do it. Maybe I will look further into doing it and what it is. Thank you for the suggestion.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Can you set up a support system of family/friends/therapist ahead of time so they are ready to help you?

I lost my family “support system” in September. It is probably a healthier way for me to be, anyway. My FOO, who I thought very highly of and thought I was a very good daughter and sister, turned out to really be a bunch of stinkers.

I am really alone in all this. PC is my lifeline.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

The reason I waited so long to get a divorce.....31 years,was the fear of being alone. Ihave now been alone for 18 years! It gets a little easier...little by little. I was in my 50's when I got the divorce (31 years of abuse)...The one sentence that helped me the most : "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself....win." I had to figure out paying bills, car stuff, home maintenance.....It was the fear of the unknown. It took all of the courage I had to leave, so I understand your feelings. If you wish, you can pm me. xo

It’s really encouraging for me to hear this. You are inspirational to me, Nicole.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Nowinners

You say you have "terrifying fear". Somehow, that is what you need to treat. Fear makes us run or freeze and sometimes if our fear is strong then we either do (want to run instead or stand up inappropriately) or don't (stay when we should leave) do things based on fear causing us not to make the best decisions. Treat the fear and perhaps you won't feel as "stuck".

I did it. He’s out of the house. It’s over.

[TishaBuv]

You never know how much strength and how high is your self esteem, until you really need it!

[downandlonely]

@TishaBuv good for you for ending the toxic relationship! You will find that being alone is much better than being with a toxic partner. I live alone with just a cat and I enjoy it.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

@TishaBuv good for you for ending the toxic relationship! You will find that being alone is much better than being with a toxic partner. I live alone with just a cat and I enjoy it.

When the relationship is so awful, you feel alone anyway. I don’t even have a cat. . I do have one teen son left at home with me. I appreciate every day with him before he goes off on his own.

I’m convalescing in a rocker like granny anyway! having issues with my body, not good prognosis, surgery needed, not sure about what’ll happen.

[TishaBuv]

Actually I have a great gf. Also, I reached out to clergy, and they are supportive, simply by welcoming me to hang out with them to a higher purpose.

OMG I ‘cleaned house’ in my life. All the toxic relationships ended.

I have the opposite problem. So as a long time single independent woman, if you need any advice or someone to talk to hit me up.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I did it. He’s out of the house. It’s over.

This IS a really big step. I know you thought about it for a very long time. This big adjustment will open up other opportunities. Maybe get the surgery over with while you are adjusting. You still have many wonderful years ahead of you!

[TishaBuv]

For someone who was diagnosed with a few different psychological conditions, by different MDs, I certainly stood up for myself, by myself, and I’m ok at the present. No therapist. Family literally abandoned me. I may be down, but I’m not yet out.

Have you seen the commercial for Hilton, where Anna Kendrick acts like the rude agent who couldn’t care less and says that to someone? She says, ‘That’s your problem. Get out of here!’ My sister was just like that to me, for real.

[TishaBuv]

There were different toxic relationships occurring simultaneously:
1. FOO had its own dynamic around our mother. Of course, it was never all bad. There was lots of good, healthy stuff. But there was something so toxic that it imploded for me in September.
2. Husband could not communicate and cooperate with me, this became toxic.
3. Friend C, also toxic, too stressful to continue. Yes, also lots of good mixed in, too.

When there is a lot of good mixed in with something so toxic the whole thing will implode... I don’t know how to finish this sentence. But that was the situation.

Yes, the culprit is control. If it is ME who is the one with the control issue, then we’ll see moving forward.

[downandlonely]

I'm glad you got some support from friends and the church.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I'm glad you got some support from friends and the church.

And I’ve learned that support from friends is a slippery slope. I’m best off doing my venting on here, anonymously.

[gmts]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I have a history of all sorts; early childhood, heredity. The last psy I saw recommended I go elsewhere to get EMDR. I didn’t do it. Maybe I will look further into doing it and what it is. Thank you for the suggestion.

For me EMDR has proven to be very helpful to dissolve traumatic memories. It doesn't go with one session though as they like to advertise it. And you don't leave the practioner's office totally changed. It takes a couple of days before you start noticing a difference.

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

The remedy to my toxic relationship is to end it. This means being alone. I have never done this before in my life. I am in my 50’s and not ok in so many areas; physically, emotionally (many reasons why perhaps?). I’m truly terrified.

I can’t even pinpoint what it is that terrifies me so.

The worst is I will not have the strength and resilience to survive (my own depression). But, I have shown that strength already while suffering through the hell I’ve been living. Hmmmm

Hi Tishabuv,

My heart goes out to you. It is so hard to break free from toxic relationships especially when we rely on them still. Ideally we can build alternative supports prior to breaking free - but that is not always possible.

I want you to know that I have had to break free from toxic relationships. While it seemed counterintuitive due to the amount of distress and loss, what made it possible was alternative supports who helped me in the transition. In the end -it was worth it for me. And in so doing, those toxic relationships that I could not run away from completely (family) improved as a result of time away.

I believe you know what is best for you. If you believe your health is at stake, ending the toxic relationship must happen eventually.

I hate asking this but are you familiar with dependent personaloty disorder? I have traits of it. It definitely played a role in keeping me sucked into toxic relationships. Is that something you relate to?

Thanks,
Hd7970ghz

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Hi Tishabuv,

My heart goes out to you. It is so hard to break free from toxic relationships especially when we rely on them still. Ideally we can build alternative supports prior to breaking free - but that is not always possible.

I want you to know that I have had to break free from toxic relationships. While it seemed counterintuitive due to the amount of distress and loss, what made it possible was alternative supports who helped me in the transition. In the end -it was worth it for me. And in so doing, those toxic relationships that I could not run away from completely (family) improved as a result of time away.

I believe you know what is best for you. If you believe your health is at stake, ending the toxic relationship must happen eventually.

I hate asking this but are you familiar with dependent personaloty disorder? I have traits of it. It definitely played a role in keeping me sucked into toxic relationships. Is that something you relate to?

Thanks,
Hd7970ghz

DPD has similar traits to BPD which has similar traits to C-ptsd. It’s so confusing how all these overlap and mimic each other.

One thing I read on DPD is the fear that you won’t be able to care for yourself due to such severe depression— yes, that’s the root of my fear!

[MrMoose]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I did it. He’s out of the house. It’s over.

Well that’s a great turn of events!!!

Separation is the hardest part. The other hardest part is learning to live life without having the abuser live as a shadow on your shoulder yelling in your ear every time you think about making a decision. I separated 18 months ago and it’s been hard evicting the shadow—and there’s no reason I need to worry about what she’ll think... except... I became so used to thinking that way... 24/7 ... and when I forgot there was hell to pay so it had to be 24/7...

In some ways living with an abuser is a great distraction because I had no opportunity to think about anything else except the chaos around me. But freedom means I have the opportunity to heal. Yeah, it’s a little lonely at times, and I look around and think that at 58 I should probably have had other plans in life, but here I am and it’s so much better than it was 2 years ago.

The other stuff —that happens little by little...

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

For someone who was diagnosed with a few different psychological conditions, by different MDs, I certainly stood up for myself, by myself, and I’m ok at the present. No therapist. Family literally abandoned me. I may be down, but I’m not yet out.

This morning, I was thinking about how proud I am of you for standing up for yourself.