[Albatross2008]

Now, plate, be reasonable! Quit making such a fuss! Other plates have been broken into more pieces than you have.

You have no right to complain that you're broken. It's not like I threw you on the ground on purpose. I did the best I could.

Besides, it's your fault for being so breakable.

It happened so long ago that you should have put yourself back together by now. If you're still broken, it's just that you choose to be.

[CrystalGirlx]

I experienced this with my abusive relationship.

Common things I heard: You must like it if you don't leave. It's your fault for staying. You are letting him "break" you.

People are so quick to judge without understanding the dynamic of actually being broken. No plate breaks the same. Some get fixed sooner than others, others never get fixed.

[Fuzzybear]

[nicoleflynn]

When people say things like that: "When you blame me, you shame me, and keep me silent."

Originally Posted by Arbie

It happened so long ago that you should have put yourself back together by now. If you're still broken, it's just that you choose to be.

Sometimes not just the abuser, but people around you who don't understand abuse or the traumatizing effect of abuse will talk this way.

[nicoleflynn]

Sadly people can be ignorant and further hurt an abused person. Instead of educating themselves, they say hurtful things.

[qlvl]

Originally Posted by Arbie

It's not like I threw you on the ground on purpose. I did the best I could.

Unfortunately I can all too easily imagine my MIL saying this.

[Open Eyes]

It happened so long ago that you should have put yourself back together by now. If you're still broken, it's just that you choose to be.

This is what a lot of people say, "it's your choice to hurt or feel broken", it doesn't help to hear that kind of comment and there are different ways people say this that's not helpful at all.

[eskielover]

The question should be more whether if glue is found to put the pieces back together is one willing to use it even if it is not repaired exactly as it was before? Does one just write off the brokenness because the right glue hasn't been found yet or does one keep searching?

This is a PERSONAL question & has nothing to do with what anyone else says or thinks.

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by eskielover

The question should be more whether if glue is found to put the pieces back together is one willing to use it even if it is not repaired exactly as it was before? Does one just write off the brokenness because the right glue hasn't been found yet or does one keep searching?

This is a PERSONAL question & has nothing to do with what anyone else says or thinks.

It is a good question. Eventually, if we're going to be put back together again, we need that glue. BUT a broken plate glued back together still won't look the same as before. Whether it can still be used depends on a lot of things, including the quality of the glue.

What's that Japanese art of mending broken pottery with gold, and then considering the mended piece more beautiful than it was before it was broken? Looking it up....

Ah. Kintsugi. Here it is.

[eskielover]

Definitely.....the new piece is a work of art that it otherwise wouldn't have been.

BUT a broken plate glued back together still won't look the same as before.

Do we really want to be that same plate again, vulnerable to be broken again? Or do the broken pieces glued back together show entirely NEW skills of making the plate functional again.

Personally the missing pieces of my plate are a good thing....they are pieces that actually didn't serve me well in the first place. Like with the Japanese art of repairing with gold, the end result is much more beautiful than the original. (That doesn't have to apply only to physical looks in people). We gain strength, wisdom & character from GOING THROUGH brokenness, not staying in it.

I do understand how difficult it is to find good glue. I spent 16 years without it (or actually maybe a lifetime) before finding it. Then all the pieces started coming together over the last 8 years. My T gave me an awesome complement today. She said she has never seen me like this before. Totally different from when I came to her but totally integrated (past & present....not a DID(MPD) thing).

First time in 66 years I have felt so peaceful & my broken plate doesn't look the same & I am thankful for that.

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by qlvl

Unfortunately I can all too easily imagine my MIL saying this.

Even my husband can be guilty of it sometimes. Understand that he is not an abusive person. He is a wonderful man, and I love him very much. Sometimes he just doesn't understand.

A few days ago, he was helping me with a minor medical issue, and he was doing it incorrectly. Pain was obvious in my face and voice when I told him to stop because he was hurting me. Well, that would be a normal reaction, right? Then I pointed out to him what was wrong and led him through the necessary adjustment so we could get this done without pain.

He actually took umbrage. "You made it sound like I was hurting you on purpose." Of course he wasn't. He would never hurt me on purpose. Doesn't change the fact that it dang sure hurt.

[Abusedbysister]

Originally Posted by Arbie

Now, plate, be reasonable! Quit making such a fuss! Other plates have been broken into more pieces than you have.

You have no right to complain that you're broken. It's not like I threw you on the ground on purpose. I did the best I could.

Besides, it's your fault for being so breakable.

It happened so long ago that you should have put yourself back together by now. If you're still broken, it's just that you choose to be.

I could totally related to these comments, especially “Besides, it's your fault for being so breakable.” I grew up being physically and emotionally abused by my younger sister. I was about a year and half older brother. She would beat me regularly, including in front of others and knew where to hit me.

Everyone ‘s attitude was “it as all my fault for losing the fights”, “i was sissy, loser, etc” or they just treated it as a funny sibling rivalry. She used to tease me about it as well for being a “sissy”, “girl in the family “ and other things.

Eventually, I went through lots of therapy and still see a therapist. I am now the broken plate that has been glued. I would never been the same. People don’t get it that a glued plate is not the same as an intact plate, doesn’t matter how long ago the damage was done.

I send hugs to all broken plates on this forum!

P.S. Arbie, thank you for having the courage to write your book. I can't help crying reading the preview on Amazon.com after clicking "Look Inside!"

[Albatross2008]

Thank you very much. (Hugs)