For Those Of Us Abused By Our Female Parental Units ...

For those of us abused by our female parental units, mother's day is anything but "happy".

Often it brings up painful memories and emotions as well as triggers, flashbacks and dissociation.

If you were abused by your female parental unit, this thread has been created as a safe place for you to post about how you are feeling today, and about what your plans are for making it through yet another day meant to honor even those ones that were anything but the "M" word to us.



*PS ... Please remember to use the trigger icon when applicable!

I'll get us started by sharing that I got triggered so badly by a mother's day sign I saw on a flower shop sign a couple of weeks ago that I had to come home and call my therapist to get me through the flashback and resulting dissociative episode it brought on.

Here I am, 25+ years into what is supposed to be a healing and recovery process and it can all be undone by a fricking sign! ... My therapist and I eventually got me re-grounded and came up with a plan to help me get through because I was going to have to see that sign every damn day until it gets taken down, so we decided it was okay for me to anger at it (and even fantasize about running over it) ... Every time I drove past it I'd firmly state ... Eff my mother, Eff mother's day, and Eff your Effing sign!

It actually did help a little bit, but no amount of wishing, wanting or angering will ever undo the permanent damage that Effing "B" did to me ... Also, I hate it when people tell me she "gave me life" ... Eff that too! ... She may have given me life, but then she spent the next 33.5 years raping, beating and brutalizing it out of me ... So y'all that say that to me can go Eff yourselves too!

Thanks for this thread.

Spring used to be the most awful, pressure-filled time of the year for me, all the holidays and 2 parental birthdays. Now with both of them dead, finally, these past couple of years, i can finally breathe, relax, and enjoy the most beautiful season.

Its like i got three new months of the year, after over 60 years.

Eta - i told my t that (bolded part) last year, and i was like, thats an effin crazy idea.

Thank you so much for creating this thread, Pfrog. I was actually thinking of creating such a thread yesterday because Mother's Day signs in the stores were bothering me. So I am glad you beat me to it!

I do not like my mother. I do not love her. That alone means that a substantial component of society would deem me wrong or ungrateful or immoral etc. I read an article written by a psychologist about how one of the worst things you can ever do is say something negative about a mother....people will immediately find fault with you and defend the mother. My abusive father is deceased and my mother recently made a point to remind me of his birthday. He and I were estranged for years before his death. Why would I want to be reminded of him? Another maternal guilt-trip.

I live with depression and when I am doing better, my mother tries her best to bring me down again. It has actually taken me a ridiculously long time to realize that she does that....bringing up topics on the phone that she knows will upset me right after I said I was having a good day. I used to wonder why I would start a phone call with her feeling good or even happy and then come away feeling guilty, ashamed, or depressed.

I moved very far away from her but we still have communication. Back when I did therapy, the psychologist kept pushing me to have some sort of "middle ground" with my mother rather than zero contact. Supposedly that is "healthier." I went along with that but now I seriously question it. I feel worse when I talk to her, even if for only 10 minutes. I want to be left alone but she'll never do that unless I cut her off completely.

My mother called me one of her "greatest disappointments in life" because she resents me for moving away and for choosing a different career path than the one she wanted which I never had any interest in. When I divorced my abusive husband, she told my family that I lied about him. She told me to stay with him. I did not lie about any of it. In my opinion, she is not a mother. A real mother would never treat her child that way.

When I was growing up, she would sometimes scream at me for hours over trivial teenage issues. If I came home 15 minutes later than my curfew, she would hide behind the front door in the dark and leap out at me and shout at me for an hour before I went to bed. She has shamed me. Belittled me. Guilt-tripped me my whole life. She raised us to be ashamed of our bodies and that sex is wrong and dirty. She told us that if we were gay or ever became pregnant out of wedlock we'd be disowned. Perhaps we would have been better off disowned??

When my little sister had her first period, she thought she was dying because our mother never told her anything about development and menstruation. So I took care of her. I explained everything to her. I was the mother that day even though I was still a child myself. Did my mother thank me? No. She was furious because deep down I assume she knows what a thoroughly inept parent she is. Now that adult sister won't even speak to me because my mother has been manipulating her for years.and turning her against me...that sister was closest to me growing up but now she calls me "evil" and will not even speak to me. My mother and father got their claws into her as soon as I moved away and now she is miserable and reactive and appears to have an undiagnosed personality disorder.

My mother allowed my father to abuse myself and my siblings. She just sat back and watched while he threatened, screamed, cornered, and insulted us for years. We were all made to perpetually walk on egg-shells in order to avoid triggering his fits of rage but it didn't work anyway. He blew up every day.
Now he is dead and she wants me to support her in her grief. She wants me to take care of her and give her money. She expects gifts. The only reason she sends me gifts is to try to control and guilt-trip me. I have asked for no more gifts. She does it anyway. She is controlling and manipulative and unpleasant.

So, while I am happy to wish a wonderful Mother's Day to the good mothers out there who actually love and support their children, I do not celebrate it. I believe I am only going to be able to fully heal once both of my parents are dead.

Thank you Unaluna and Pfrog for sharing your truth. Peace to you and a safe

I understand! I stood up to my mom a week before I lost her.

I still get nightmare from the abuse

I believe I redeemed Mother's Day by ending the cycle of generational abuse with my own children. I did not require my kids to cope with my issues, I am there for them, and I certainly never thought to take out my anger and hurt on them. Even before I remembered abusive episodes, I was determined to be a safe, protective, and unconditionally loving mother. This is redemptive.

On Mother's Day, my kids and I used to plant in the garden flowers they got for my gift. Lovely, colorful new life.


However, I rarely share my feelings about my original mother because I find people are even more shocked when the abuser is the maternal unit than when it's a father. And those reactions used to reinforce my feeling of being a freak whose own mother couldn't love her. In fact of course, she was the "unnatural" one. And I am the one who became the first in generations of loving parents. It's humbling. I thank God!

Now that all of my parents and grand parents (birth and adoptive) are dead, I don't think too much about the parent-related made up "holidays" any more. I'm spending today at my home with my kitty, watching Netflix, playing games, reading forums, and doing some drawing. I wish you all peace and distraction, if that helps get through the day. xxoo

Hugs to everyone on this thread. I can relate to this but during the sibling day in April as I get a similar feeling as many of you here on that day. My Facebook friends post pictures of their siblings and say how happy they are to have such a sibling and it usually triggers a lot of pain and bad memories for me.

I forgave my mom years ago and she has died. I feel a little sad on Mother's Day.

I look at it as my fault and I think about all the problems I caused her. It makes me mad at myself and at everyone else including her. I don’t forgive people when they keep hurting others. I don’t think I’m functioning well emotionally but everyone else does so that’s all that mattered.

I felt bad on mother day because I had lost my mom but relief because my mom could no longer abuse me anymore.

I went shopping for myself on mother day..

I dreaded Mother’s Day.

I knew that whatever I bought, whatever I did that day, wasn’t going to be good enough.

Mother’s Day now does not bring fond recollections of my mother.

What unaluna said above, about feeling like she has extra time in spring, resonated with me. To me it feels like a type of freedom.

Mother’s Day doesn’t bring fond recollections for me

The step maternal unit was particularly cruel and pernicious

Mother’s Day brings memories of pain...

I wasn’t “perfect” either
(What child is.. )

Thanks for this thread Pfrog

Hugs

I understand! My mom did the same to me.

My mother has passed now.

I believe she was depressed and that made her emotionally abusive when I was younger. She could still say things that caused pain when I became an adult.

In her eyes it was me that was a problem, even as a tiny newborn and that opinion never changed even when she found happiness.

Much love to all those who have suffered abuse

much love to all who have suffered abuse

Bumping this thread up because yet another one is upon us!

As stated last year (slightly modified) ...

For those of us abused by our female parental units, mother's day is anything but "happy".

Often it brings up painful memories and emotions as well as triggers, flashbacks and dissociation.

If you were abused by your female parental unit, this thread has been created as a safe place for you to post about how you are feeling, coping and dealing, and what your plans are for making it through yet another day meant to honor those that were anything but the "M" word to us.



*PS ... Please remember to use the trigger icon when applicable!

I don't even notice the day. Except maybe when others are enthusing about their mothers.

I still suffer the effects, and apparently that will continue until I die.