As a recovering alcoholic bully, I wish I could take all of your pain away

My family bullied me so much I not only ended up clinically depressed and burdened with Complex PTSD, I became learning impaired and have traumatic amnesia. I have written what I remember from my childhood and it didn't even take 3 pages. The rest is locked up in my memory that I may never retrieve.

My family taught me to bully others and when I did, the behavior came out of nowhere. I remember one neighborhood girl I was horrid to. I remember saying to her what my mother and sisters said to me day in and day out. I made that poor child cry and I remember feeling bad about that. I didn't know what to do. I thought her behavior justified my talking to her the way I did.

That is just one snapshot of my background. I am not looking for sympathy. I am simply sharing why I became a bully like my mother and my sisters. I was their victim first, but I became a bully also. I would give anything if I could go back and change it.

Thanks for sharing this. In my life, I have been both the victim as well as the perpetrator, the abuser as well as the abused. I don't have much memory of my life prior to the age of 8, only a handful of snippets. Plus, now as I'm aging, I'm gradually losing more-&-more of what I remember after age 8. (There is a sense in which that's not a bad thing.)

I have sometimes wondered if it wouldn't be easier just to be a victim. At least that way you'd know it wasn't your fault. And there'd be someone else you could blame. In my case, the abuse I suffered (which wasn't all that terribly serious in the whole scheme of things... others have suffered significantly worse) has been overwhelmed by what I later on meted out. Like you, I would give anything to be able to go back & change it. But, of course, I can't.

I used to have an on-line friend (my only friend of any sort in the world... until I dumped him a while back.) He was a Christian. (I'm a devout atheist.) He knew something of my history. And he used to tell me that to forgive oneself was possible. I, for my part however, maintained (& still maintain) that some things are sufficiently egregious self-forgiveness is not appropriate. Rather... what I have strived for is simple acceptance. I did what I did. It's in the past. And there's nothing I can do about it now. End of story.

I think your friend, the Christian, was very conscious of the fact that you cannot forgive yourself. The nice point about Christianity is that you can turn to Jesus, and he forgives you. That way you can be forgiven and still stay humble and conscious of your past. I am not, myself, religious, but I deeply care for this idea that there needs to be a gentle father, an anti-authoritarian authority, a place were everybody who repents can find forgiveness.

@Skeezyks

That acceptance is powerful, isn't it? I know it has saved my hide countless times. Without it, I would be angry every day of my life.

I thank you for your feedback!! You have given me lots to think about!

@Skeezyks

I thank you for your response.

I don't understand this sentence: "I, for my part however, maintained (& still maintain) that some things are sufficiently egregious self-forgiveness is not appropriate."

Explain, please.

Hm-m-m-m...well... I'm just of the opinion that some things people do (some things I did) are sufficiently destructive it would not be appropriate for the person to forgive themselves. The persons they harmed can forgive them if they so choose. That's their prerogative. But the person who caused the damage to begin with has no business forgiving themselves. Of course I'm talking about seriously destructive acts here, not the lesser things we all do from time-to-time that we later regret. I've been guilty of those sorts of things as well.

Sometimes, you feel devastating guilt, and you are ready to ask for forgiveness, but you cannot count on the injured party to forgive you. They want to see you punished, and punish you with not giving you what you need. You still need forgiveness, but you cannot and feel you should not forgive yourself. This is where a third party is needed. Someone, ideally on a higher plane, to give you what you need in order to become a better person. That is why many people become actually better by finding religion. Some manage to become better and obtain forgiveness without religion, they learn to forgive themselves, no matter how horrible and shaming the guilt.

Thanks for this. I don't believe in god & so religion is pretty-much irrelevant to me. I'm afraid I function on quite a nuts-&-bolts level... "you did it, you're stuck with it, live with it." That's all...

I come from a dysfunctional family, in which alcoholism and abuse have played significant roles. I have been a victim in many ways, but I am deeply conscious of how I myself have been formed by abuse and my stress, my coping mechanisms etc. have been perceived by people I loved as abusive.

I have had many frightening experiences with drinkers. Drunken people can be the most horrible people on earth. I am now visiting regularly a group of abstaining alcoholics. I am a bit of a curious figure, because I have mental problems, but am not an alcoholic, but I fell drawn to this circle, and always feel better and a little bit happier after the 90 minutes I have spent with them.

I feel like I am among the most gentle people on earth, there. It has something to do with being repentant, I think, and also the true nature and history of abuse of most alcoholics. By seeing the error in their former ways, they also learn to grapple all questions of guilt and abuse for the first time in their lives, I feel. I have no trouble believing that you are now a person who found her self, and a person to turn to, if one wants to experience relieve of pain instead of more pain and abuse.

@Poiuytl

I thank you for your kind words! I am happy you have a wonderful group to enjoy and benefit from!!

What happened in your child was not your fault. You did the right thing as an adult by seeking therapy.

Thanks for sharing Happy Crafter. I’ve been bullied by many. From early cub hood onwards CPTSD and Social anxiety I have doesn’t help The abuse in your childhood (and mine) was not your fault (and the abuse in my childhood wasn’t my fault ) I agree you did the right thing going into therapy. I’m very happy that therapy helped you. I’m sending hugs and kind thoughts

@Fuzzybear

Thank you! I am sending you hugs and kind thoughts as well!

@ennie

Thank you for your feedback! I did not know how to manage my life successfully then. I sought relief; that is also why I drank and drugged. I am grateful to be an American and live in the US for many reasons, including the access to the social services I needed to get better.

Hey Happy Crafter,
I have to admit that in some (many?) ways I wish I lived in the USA rather than on the other side of the pond...
I have tried many times to find effective help or support for my CPTSD, GAD, major depression, social anxiety ... etc .... but in this particular forest .... I have not found what was or is offered of any help, in fact it has had a negative effect. I’m not putting the blame on me or on “them” .. it is what it is and I have to “deal” with it. I guess tbh the main reason now I don’t insist they help me is because I fear
traumatising my papa bear (my husband) as my CPTSD has already been made worse by the type of help offered ... and their labels. Sorry if this is negative or “whiny” - your post about being an American got me thinking.

I’m trying to heal by other methods, “self help” .. and “self care” which I am not good at

I’m sending hugs and positive thoughts, thanks so much for sharing

@Fuzzybear

Not whinny or negative. You are being honest. I wish you could find the therapists to help you better. I wish I could help you somehow. I send you hugs and positive thoughts too, babes. xoxoxoxox

The insight you offer others is absolutely invaluable. You are a rare person who has taken great pains to look at your own behaviors and emotions and really make a change in what you do. You’ve really taken ownership and accountability... just your testimony of your life is powerful. You know the reasons for your painful and difficult past but I haven’t seen you wallow in self pity and blame. Instead you always strive to help others. You show others the way... how to work on taking their own pain away. Your compassion is real. I admire your courage. You’ve inspired me. Keep going.

@Sisabel



Thank you, Sisabel! Your kind words made my day!!

You know, when I see someone benefit from something I did or said, I see them blossom right in front of my eyes. That thrills me more than anything I have done in my 62 years of life. I thrive on that!

I can see that in what you write here. You’re making a difference. Thank you.

It is My Pleasure!!