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#21
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I am very sorry for your painful experience. I've learned that we can only learn from these most painful experiences in order to grow as a person. I am trying to do just that... learn and grow from it all. |
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#22
One other thing I've learned: when we tolerate and put up with abuse, self-esteem & self-worth will naturally be effected. When we knowingly accept it and stay in it, it is not good for mental health.
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lightly toasted
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#23
I stayed because i believed what we had built over 16 years was an unshakeable bond between 2 people. I never thought things could turn on me so quickly. I did everything to be with her, to make her happy.
Some people are easily swayed by one of two key statements. It's enough to keep them coming back for more but will that continue on? I was devoted, faithful, a rock, a provider and always there for her. Even in the end when i knew what was happening, i still ran to her and when the car would not start. Now i don't know why i did that. I am left with the emptiness of this lie i believed in. It's damaging, it hurts but i still believe i have enough love and tenderness left to give to the right person so I'll build on that and learn from this horrible event. It's all we can do i suppose |
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Anonymous40643
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#24
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YES! And that's how you need to view it. We live and we learn. Sometimes it's through a long-term relationship that we thought was "the one". For me, I told my ex not too long ago that he never deserved my love OR my heart, and that my current husband does. It felt good to say that, even if he never replied. I needed to say it for myself. |
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#25
It is a very long fall to recover from. You're right. All we can do from here is either carry on or drift away.
I've been down both roads, they are both difficult. I just hate the thought of starting over again as I'm sure you do too. |
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Anonymous40643
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#26
Golden_eve, I think there's something else to consider: your abuser groomed you to want their approval. At some point early on in the relationship, they did give you validation and love, probably a lot, and you stay in the relationship despite the abuse because you think that if you just act the right way and give them what they want, they will be their old, nice selves. They withhold love and validation to get what they want from you, and it is, indeed, abusive. They groom you so that you have to get your validation from them so they can manipulate and control you.
And yes, it's hard to unlearn. And your subject line is spot on: we don't need to base our value and self-worth on the opinions of others. __________________ What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly? Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia. Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less... |
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#27
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I hear you. I started over and got married a year later to someone else. Love can and does happen again. The key is healing oneself and healing one's broken heart..... the love I found actually healed my broken heart. Many say heal yourself first.. I tend to agree with that as well, but I got involved when I did and it definitely helped my healing process. And that's just me. But the point it, yes, we can pick ourselves up again and move forward in life, one little step at a time. Healing is a process.... it does take time but it helps to take deliberate steps forward. |
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#28
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Thanks, seesaw! This is something I hadn't ever known or even considered... the validation part. I never accepted his abuse- I always stood up to him. But he was in fact manipulating me to need his approval and validation -- YES. He provided a LOT of that early on... validated my worth and value as a person constantly. Then in one fell swoop, he took it all away. He invalidated our entire relationship, demeaning the value and importance of our relationship and by extension, devaluing ME. Last edited by Anonymous40643; Jun 16, 2019 at 11:20 AM.. |
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lightly toasted, seesaw
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seesaw
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#29
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I think i get confused and wonder why anyone could gain anything from hurting someone emotionally like that. To me it is sickening |
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Anonymous40643, seesaw
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#30
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#31
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__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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#32
Oh!!! My bad! I totally misunderstood you, sorry. Now I see what you were saying. Thanks for clearing that up!!! Hugs.
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