I wanted to get a sense from people, given their experience and perhaps even studies on abuse, whether it's better to stand up for oneself (after an abusive relationship) and confront the person on all their abuse, their lies and BS, OR whether it's better to go NO CONTACT and ignore them completely IF they contact you again?

This is a hypothetical situation.

I am wondering primarily for the sake of one's mental health and feelings of self-worth and self-respect.

From Psychology Today (when facing abuse):

Confront abuse effectively.

Allowing abuse damages your self-esteem. Thus, it’s important to confront it. That doesn’t mean to fight and argue. It means standing your ground and speaking up for yourself clearly and calmly, and having boundaries to protect your mind, emotions, and body.

[nicoleflynn]

The best way to do it, is with a letter; that way you can say what you need to and not be overtalked or interrupted, because the abuser will want to argue with you. You have stood up for yourself, and not exposed yourself to more abuse.

thank you, @nicoleflynn! I tried that route, and got no reply. I also didn't say everything that I truly want to say. ARGH.

[TishaBuv]

I’ve sent the letter, knowing there would never be a reply, which there wasn’t. It made me feel better for getting it off my chest and I recovered from the hurt.

I’ve confronted others about their hurtful (and sometimes abusive) behavior. It made me feel better for getting it off my chest but they didn’t really apologize and stop. I continue to cope with much of it still, tip toeing through the relationship.

I’ve also gone no contact and ignored, never confronting yet another hurt ( also somewhat abusive). I knew he would get huge satisfaction if I showed him my pain, so I just moved on. I stewed about it for a long time, but eventually got over it. If I had confronted, he would have hurt me worse.

Do whatever makes you feel good and able to heal. Will you get stung if you kick a hornet’s nest? Do not expect true regret and compassion from someone who callously hurt you.

[Fuzzybear]

I also think that a person who has behaved callously, especially repeatedly, would be very unlikely to behave in any other way than with callousness if confronted... and possibly with “escalated” abuse . Kicking a hornets nest or a rock with a snake lurking under it? Ouch...

So ignore them if that is possible....

[sarahsweets]

I think the first thing is to manage your expectations. What do you want to have happen? Do you want an abuser to feel bad (how would you know that), do you want them to apologize, do you want them to acknowledge the situation, or admit they were wrong? Or do you just want to let the poison out and doing that you will be able to move on?

I think that expectations in this situation are going to do you harm. All of the expectations I mentioned are contingent on the abuser taking action- which is something you do not have control over. I think the idea of just having the opportunity to have the final say about something could be a way to move on.

The letter idea is a good one as well as phoning/texting someone. If you feel like this is an in person thing that could easily go south if you feel your self slipping into an old role or old reactions. I do not believe that confronting abuse has to necessarily mean confronting the person who did it. Many times the healing we do can be enough. I also do not think you must confront the abuser or abuse in order to heal and move on. There are many times where that could be harmful or counterproductive.
I am a fan of no contact. Its taking your power back and controlling who gets to me in touch with you. It means that contact is on your terms and you control it. It may not be as satisfying to have no contact without being able to say why but the bottom line is the effect is still the same and you have preserved your feelings.

Thanks you guys. All great words of wisdom! I will think on it more, but I definitely will not be the one to reach out. This is only if he contacts me. It's all really good food for thought. I just don't know which way would be best, but he hasn't even contacted me. I only had a couple psychics tell me he would. lol. Ok. that was another post a long time ago... my addiction to psychics!

I did write such a letter to him last December, to which he never replied. I pretty much had confronted all of the bad behaviors, and pretty much said most of what I wanted to and without anger.

Months after that, I learned that he lied about something else (in addition to all his other lies to me).

I learned that while living together, he used my debit card (without asking me) to buy DXM for himself and was using drugs and tripping in our apartment without my even knowing it.

I confronted him one day thinking that he had taken my anti-depressant because he couldn't walk or talk straight. He said no. But it turns our he was on other drugs, totally behind my back.

I took him to a concert and he was completely slumped over in his chair the entire time. Turns out he was on DXM and tripping then, too, without my knowing it.

So he was lying, using my credit card, charging drugs on it without asking me, and tripping behind my back. ALL while I was stressing out about money, financially supporting him, and encouraging and urging him to find a job. For nearly four months I stressed about having to support the both of us, while he claimed to be too "sick" coming off an anti-depressant to really work. BS. And here he was, tripping and using drugs all behind my back, on my credit card!!!!

I was livid, to say the least, to find this out.

This guy manipulated me to no end. And I had saved him from homelessness, not just once, but twice!

And when we broke up, he very cruelly & callously told me he loved his other ex fiance more than me.

AFTER ALL I HAD DONE FOR HIM.

He also went on many drunken abusive tirades against me while living together. He was entirely abusive.... lying, manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive... all of it. Then he cheated in the end, to boot!

IF he does contact me, perhaps it truly is best to just ignore him and not confront this additional piece of info?

Maybe I've said it all already by confronting him about "all his lies" and abuse in general?

[nicoleflynn]

Abusers will rarely reply, or if they do it will be to justify their behavior...A letter of "restorative justice" says...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU.

[TishaBuv]

I recall he was trying to play head games with you just before you were married because you run in to him in your circle and music events. This is a tricky one, as usually the bad relationship ends and you don’t hear about or see that person anymore. How can you get away from him for good?

Oh it’s not the same one! That’s a totally different past ex boyfriend. This is my ex fiancé who was very abusive.

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Abusers will rarely reply, or if they do it will be to justify their behavior...A letter of "restorative justice" says...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU.

Truth!!!

Why should I be surprised that he even stole money from me too, to buy his drugs? I mean I shouldn’t be all that surprised... he lied about everything and was a master manipulator/con artist.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Why should I be surprised that he even stole money from me too, to buy his drugs? I mean I shouldn’t be all that surprised... he lied about everything and was a master manipulator/con artist.

You could probably take legal action against him for stealing from your account, using your card by forgery, but I don’t recommend it. It’s best to just leave him alone. He’s NOT a quality guy.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You could probably take legal action against him for stealing from your account, using your card by forgery, but I don’t recommend it. It’s best to just leave him alone. He’s NOT a quality guy.

Definitely better to leave it alone. And yes a very low person he is!!!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Definitely better to leave it alone. And yes a very low person he is!!!

This person reminds me of a turd who used and abused me. Very low quality. Not quite human the way he behaved. In my naivety I deceived myself into believing this person had some humanity.

He did not,

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

This person reminds me of a turd who used and abused me. Very low quality. Not quite human the way he behaved. In my naivety I deceived myself into believing this person had some humanity.

He did not,

Oh my.. SO sorry you had to deal with such a lowly person!!!!

This man I speak of was NOT human towards me. Not at all. He had the devil in him. He was a monster to me. Truly evil. The more I think on it, the less I would want to even reply IF he did write to me ever again.

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I did write such a letter to him last December, to which he never replied. I pretty much had confronted all of the bad behaviors, and pretty much said most of what I wanted to and without anger.

Months after that, I learned that he lied about something else (in addition to all his other lies to me).

I learned that while living together, he used my debit card (without asking me) to buy DXM for himself and was using drugs and tripping in our apartment without my even knowing it.

I confronted him one day thinking that he had taken my anti-depressant because he couldn't walk or talk straight. He said no. But it turns our he was on other drugs, totally behind my back.

I took him to a concert and he was completely slumped over in his chair the entire time. Turns out he was on DXM and tripping then, too, without my knowing it.

So he was lying, using my credit card, charging drugs on it without asking me, and tripping behind my back. ALL while I was stressing out about money, financially supporting him, and encouraging and urging him to find a job. For nearly four months I stressed about having to support the both of us, while he claimed to be too "sick" coming off an anti-depressant to really work. BS. And here he was, tripping and using drugs all behind my back, on my credit card!!!!

I was livid, to say the least, to find this out.

This guy manipulated me to no end. And I had saved him from homelessness, not just once, but twice!

And when we broke up, he very cruelly & callously told me he loved his other ex fiance more than me.

AFTER ALL I HAD DONE FOR HIM.

He also went on many drunken abusive tirades against me while living together. He was entirely abusive.... lying, manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive... all of it. Then he cheated in the end, to boot!

IF he does contact me, perhaps it truly is best to just ignore him and not confront this additional piece of info?

Maybe I've said it all already by confronting him about "all his lies" and abuse in general?

——your present relationship needs your strength and attention, not this other issue. I say put it in the past. U could write a letter, but let him go.

Originally Posted by luvyrself

——your present relationship needs your strength and attention, not this other issue. I say put it in the past. U could write a letter, but let him go.

Yes, agreed!! Though this one irks me still. Maybe as Tisha said, it can haunt a person for a long time.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I did write such a letter to him last December, to which he never replied.

I face dilemma on this one. Some people say that confrontation affirms that what the abuser did hurt you, and gives him the satisfaction of knowing this.

However, if he doesn't stop, I do think you need to put an end to it by letting him know that you will not tolerate his behavior.

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Abusers will rarely reply, or if they do it will be to justify their behavior...A letter of "restorative justice" says...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU.

This is so true. If an abuser replies, it's to justify his behavior, or to make you feel guilty for "accusing" him, or to hoover you back in by insincere apologies.

I would not want a reply from a manipulative person since there always seems to be an agenda or ulterior motives behind what s/he says.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I am a fan of no contact. Its taking your power back and controlling who gets to me in touch with you. It means that contact is on your terms and you control it. It may not be as satisfying to have no contact without being able to say why but the bottom line is the effect is still the same and you have preserved your feelings.

Yes. Sometimes you start out by limiting contact but they continue to push boundaries and you end up with no other choice but to go no contact.

Originally Posted by ennie

I face dilemma on this one. Some people say that confrontation affirms that what the abuser did hurt you, and gives him the satisfaction of knowing this.

However, if he doesn't stop, I do think you need to put an end to it by letting him know that you will not tolerate his behavior.

This is so true. If an abuser replies, it's to justify his behavior, or to make you feel guilty for "accusing" him, or to hoover you back in by insincere apologies.

I would not want a reply from a manipulative person since there always seems to be an agenda or ulterior motives behind what s/he says.

True, although I had told him that I had moved on with someone else. lol.

And good point! He would be manipulative with any kind of reply.

[TishaBuv]

He stole from you, fraudulently using your debit card. This is a person who has no scruples. You are lucky he didn’t respond to the letter you sent. He could have done something to make trouble for you, maybe telling your husband something, maybe a lie to cause trouble. He could feign caring and hoover you into something with him that would ruin your marriage— He could be a horrid enough person that he would intentionally do that and enjoy doing it. Knowing that he stole from you, I say stay far away from him and be thankful he didn’t hurt you worse.

These relationship hurts do sting and haunt for as long as it takes us to heal. I’m ashamed to admit how I stewed over these break ups of mine. Yes, I did it during new relationships. I know it wasn’t healthy. I never thought to go to a therapist about it. I’ve learned there is a term ‘limerence’ and OCD describes these issues. I probably have some condition or disorder. But, I think people who don’t still will smart over hurtful breakups. It just takes some time. How much time is a healthy person’s recovery? Vs. How long did I ruminate? That’s a good question.

The take-away here is that you definitely will heal. Especially since this guy was such a creep who stole from you. Also, the restorative justice letter sent is more for YOU than for him. He may not have even read it and thrown it right in the trash. It did feel good for me to write it and daringly send it. It feels like when you write on a note and cast it into the sea. It’s a release. Feeling like I got it off my chest helped me stop ruminating about the anger and sped up healing and feeling closure.

thank you, Tisha! These are all things I've thought of myself. He cannot find my husband however, because he is blocked on all social media. There is no way for him to know who he is. But you make really good points! He was a very horrid person... the lowest of the lows!!!!! I just found out about him stealing from me to buy drugs, that's why it's fresh again and coming up again.

[divine1966]

I recommend confronting abusers at the time of abuse and when they are currently in your life (confronting within reason, not endangering yourself). No one should tolerate abuse.

I see no benefit though in contacting abusive exes who aren’t currently in your life. Telling them how they wronged you isn’t going to correct the past or change your present or future. It just prolongs your agony and reenforces your pain and likely sends them a message that they are on your mind and you aren’t over them.

You wrote to him and he didn’t reply. It’s expected. Why would he contact you? To say what? Personally I think he needs to be blocked and you need to stop any form of contact