[romantic rose]

I recently cut ties with an abusive person and was wondering if anyone else actually missed them in any way? And what does this say about me or anyone else who does?

Hi Romantic Rose. Sorry you are struggling with this. I think it's probably quite common. I don't think it says something about you other than you are experiencing trauma. That's complex and can affect our minds in various ways. Have you ever read about Stockholm Syndrome? It may be of interest to you.

You said you cut ties recently. I'd recommend being kind and patient with yourself. Your feelings or attachment to the person you mentioned will likely shift over time with healing and self-appreciation.

There are no wrong feelings. And all feelings are temporary.

I wish you peace.

[romantic rose]

The abuser has just contacted me and asked me if I still wanted a job. I completely cut ties with him and I feel like it would be a bad idea to have him back in my life, even though I need the money.

I think it is a bit like Stockholm Syndrome, tbh. He was always putting me down, I wonder if a part of me thinks I deserve it.

Thanks for the advice. xx

[MrMoose]

You need the money; your abuser needs someone to control and belittle and abuse—for the abuser it feels good to win and to dominate all the time.

Is that the kind of deal you want to make?

I miss my abuser sometimes—very much! She’s good at reminding me of all the wonderful romantic times we had at the beginning of the relationship and how we planned for such a golden life together. As an antidote I remember how she would spit in my face and slap me and punch me and spend days making the most awful threats and saying the most despicable things imaginable about me, and anyone and everyone and everything I’ve ever cared about.

But I’m free now and I won’t go back to living a life I wanted to end.

I don’t know you or your situation, but I would suggest only this: stay free.

[Fuzzybear]

I have missed one of my abusers.

I’m sending safe hugs

I miss some good moments (like going for a hike) but when I look at the overall picture, I am relived she is no longer in my daily life.

[Violet95]

Originally Posted by romantic rose

I recently cut ties with an abusive person and was wondering if anyone else actually missed them in any way? And what does this say about me or anyone else who does?

Hey romantic rose, yes I do feel that way sometimes. It was a difficult decision to break ties with them even though I knew it was for my best. Somehow, we tend to reminisce on the good parts of the relationship(how much ever tiny those moments were). But you just have to remind yourself that its a totally normal thing to happen, and KNOW that you would never want to be back in that situation again.

Hope this helps!

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by romantic rose

I recently cut ties with an abusive person and was wondering if anyone else actually missed them in any way? And what does this say about me or anyone else who does?

I cut ties with him years ago. Every so often I wish that I DID'NT miss him sometimes. There's really not much to miss anyhow. Wasn't there.
This person I'm missing is my father. He abused me physically , and mentally.
He abused my mom and siblings. It still hurts and ****** up my life.
And I'm not using him as an excuse.
I think it's just humanistic that you may miss this person for whatever reason. The main thing is that you don't go back !

Originally Posted by continuosly blue

I think it's just humanistic that you may miss this person for whatever reason. The main thing is that you don't go back !

Yes, never go back. Thank you for the reminder!

[HD7970GHZ]

Absolutely. This is quite common for trauma survivors. Part of it can be remnants of a lasting trauma bond that we never had closure for.

Someone on a distress line once told me that it makes sense that we would miss someone even if they were abusive - because most relationships are not always 100% abusive. (Naturally it is different for someone who we never formed a bond with). I miss some of my abusers because for a time - they offered something special that no one else did. Might be something very small - but it was something important to me and that is partly why some of us stay in abusive relationships. Sometimes we can feel mixed about someone who abused us and feel ashamed or disgusted with it; but it makes sense and we have to remember we are entitled to those feelings no matter how strange it may seem.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[mountainstream]

I do not miss any abusers.

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by mountainstream

I do not miss any abusers.

That is okay too MountainStream. You are not alone.

[may24]

I think I miss the idea of them; not who they really were as a person

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by may24

I think I miss the idea of them; not who they really were as a person

I like this notion - I am going to write this down.

I know after my therapists abuse me - I had a hard time holding the positive image them (prior to abuse) in my head at the same time as the negative image of them (after the abuse).

It was mind boggling - because I desperately wanted to believe that the person I thought I knew (prior to the abuse) is the person I was so attached to... Might be a defense mechanism to avoid feeling the full weight of the abuse. I also felt like I wanted to protect them - and in some cases I did; trauma bonding sucks.

[romantic rose]

Originally Posted by may24

I think I miss the idea of them; not who they really were as a person

This sounds about right. He is with someone else now and I am even jealous! He used and abused me, and it feels like it was just reserved for me, which means he sees something wrong with me in particular.

[divine1966]

I wasn’t abused but I have some knowledge on the matter. Abusers usually are not always bad. They give you enough crumbs to feel good sometimes so you’ll keep coming back. So you probably miss good moments.

It’s important to remind yourself of bad things they did so you can move on.

You are doing well because you aren’t with them anymore. Ton of people don’t miss their abusers because guess what they are still with them and sometimes stay for life. Sometimes out of fear but more often than that because abuser pays their bills, so they can chill and not worry about taking responsibility.

So I’d say you do better than many by not being with abusers anymore. I applaud you. Just kept remembering bad things so you gradually stop missing good things

[EightBelles134]

I HAVE NOT SEEN MY PARENTS(ALSO MY ABUSERS) SINCE SEPTEMBER. I STRUGGLE BECAUSE ON ONE LEVEL, DESPITE WHAT THEY PUT ME THROUGH I DO Still miss them. I miss affection mainly. its weird I know. I never got a ton of affection from them but thats one of the major things I miss the most

[Ezrigirl]

Me and my two older sister are bipolar i, and we were untreated as children and teenagers. Because we were manic or depressed together, we grew up to abuse each other. We abused each other and we engaged in violent fights with each other. We are all the same height, and were all the same body type. Right now, I miss being abused by my sisters. In fact, being bipolar and being in a depressed mood. I would be so happy if one of my sisters to visit me, and violently abuse me. I would not fight back. The abuse would make me feel something, then feeling nothing now.