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#1
So I posted several times in recent months about how I get upset that I have to hear my older sister yell profanity every day. Today, I suddenly realized what really happens:
1. Several times a day, my sister will spill food or knock something off a shelf or kitchen counter (one of the reasons I suspect she has ADHD) 2. She will always shout "f****** s***!" 3. Then she leaves the mess for me to clean up. 4. And she walks away feeling like a victim This doesn't make sense. If she doesn't have to clean up when she spills things, what the **** is she angry about? I don't know why I didn't realize this until today. I think that if I have to clean up after her accidents, I should get the swearing rights. Every time she makes a mess that I'm going to have to clean I'm going to yell her favorite curse. I know a lot of people will judge me for responding to negativity with negativity but I think the only thing that will curb her verbal abuse is to get a taste of her own medicine. If she yells curses before I can stop her, I'm going repeat whatever swear words she uses in a mocking voice like vice principle Nero in The Austere Academy (Lemony Snicket character). I'm tired of living in dread of verbal tantrums and having to pick up after a 40 year old toddler. I'm seriusly thinking of trying to get court ordered mental health screening if the unacceptable behavior continues. It has to be illegal to make other people live in your dogs waste. And when she leaves things on the floor, she steps on them over and over and has huge tantrums about hurting her feet but can't learn to pick things up or walk more carefully. This sounds like a mental illness doesn't it? |
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#2
Hey @MrsA-
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#3
Thanks Sarahsweets for the detailed advice. I really am losing my mind here. Some things happened today to make me think more about trying to get her into court for a mental health evaluation. I just can't figure out all the details.
The link with ADHD and clumsiness is that people with ADHD tend to be clumsy or get into accidents a lot. They actually have a lower life expectancy and are twice as likely as normal people to die young. Car accidents and workplace accidents are common when ADHD goes untreated. My sister was caught driving 20mph over the speed limit last year and she even claimed that her driving speed was not her fault (and told me to eat less to make up for the massive fine). As a kid, I would tell my big sister to watch her step to avoid falling down all the time. She would reply that it's boring to watch your step and then she blamed everything else for the fact that she fell down all the time or bangs into walls and furniture (stills happens as an adult). I only recently learned that ADHD has many symptoms including lack of emotional regulation (explains the daily tantrums), low frustration tolerance, failing to start tasks such as work or housework, and lack of impulse control. The last one explains why she would give me a murderous shove from the top of a staircase or into a road if I blocked he way. And some ADHD blogs say those with the condition cannot learn from experience. Which would explain why she makes the same mistakes over and over and never learns to change her behavior. It's all very sad, but since she can control herself around other people, I know she is aware that her actions around me are wrong. She also takes after our narcissistic parent by being an entitled bully at home but acting normal in public. I do sometimes consider putting her mess in her bed as you suggested, but that's what was done to me by a parent who always blamed me for my sister's messes. If she didn't clean the cat litter box or left trash in the yard, it got dumped on my pillow because our parents believe anything bad must have beem done by me. As much as she deserves her own crap on her bed, I don't want to be like my parents who were the lowliest lowlifes in the world. So that is one of the reasons my sister grew up be to entitled and lazy. Money is the big issue stopping me. She persuaded me to go into business with her when inthought she was honest and and she controlled all the money from the start I wasn't even allowed a computer for 20 years so all the online accounts are in her name and I don't have most of the passwords. I don't get paid. She reports to IRS that I get paid a certain amount every year and all the money stays in a account that she controls. I think that's probably a crime but I can't report her because we are too poor right now to pay the fines forntax fraud. I'm just stuck working in order to have a roof over my head and food and medical care for my dependants. She doesn't treat other people the way she treats me because she knows they would leave her. So she knocked something into the sink today and swore vehemently in front of me. I almost walked away, but instead I told her she has nothing to swear about if she isn't troubled with picking up what she dropped. She got nasty and said then she will never pick anything up again. I haven't lost anything because she never picked up after herself before. I'll just try not to let the viciousness of her comments ruin my evening. It seems like an escalation but in the past, she has reponded to criticism with denials, lies, gaslighting, and verbal attacks and then stopped doing the thing she denied having done before. I think it's a narcissistic thing where they can't admit to being wrong, but once they deny something shameful, they don't want to be caught doing it again. I really wish I could figure out how to sue her for the financial abuse and all the yelling, lying, and recklessness. She caused a dangerous situation today at work because I told her she had to take a certain precaution. She kept saying there was no risk. And when the thing she said wouldn't happen acutally happened, she claimed the she could not be held repsonsible for preventing accidents. Something has to change. I did consider reporting her to the police but I couldn't go through with it. It's a weird thing about family. I hate her very guts but I don't actually want her to go to jail. But sometimes I wish she would get thrown in jail or sentenced to mental health treatment so she can learn to be accountable for her actions. I also wonder if I have a responsibility to stop her endangering herself. If she wants to do something potentially fatal, I would be tempted to stand back and hope her death will give me a decent life. I know that sounds horrible. I'm just really desperate. I spend most days debating whether to kill myself but I'd rather survive her and get a real chance at life without this burden. Thanks for being supportive. I know I don't come off as a fun sort of person and my anger can make me sound mean. Thanks for being kind. Have a nice day. |
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#4
Hey @MrsA I was thinking about your situation and started some research. The link here is to the legal aid society for Nevada. They specialize in legal aid to people that cant afford it in addition to other information and social programs. If I remember correctly sometimes you have to call during business hours and speak to someone as a pre-screen so if you call make sure you are calm and have the basic info for what you need help with (the money imo). Sometimes they have applications online so you want to make sure that you keep the emotions that you feel aside and be matter of fact about the situation.
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#5
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#6
@pachyderm No. I don’t know what you mean by “terrified” about punishment. The problem sees to be that there are no parents to discipline her anymore. When someone used to yell at us when the house was messy, she constantly yelled at me for not cleaning faster. As soon as there were no parents, she stopped cleaning up after herself completely. Once she spilled fried chicken batter down the front of a cabinet. She had enough batter left to finish cooking but she yelled “f****** s***” as if something bad happened to her and left the spilled batter to dry on the cabinet so it’s harder for me to clean. Then she loses her temper regularly because the house she lives in is dirty and messy. She doesn’t seem to get that the house will be dirty if she doesn’t wipe her spills. She also sees her dog pee on the floor when she leads him through the house every day and gets angry if asked to wipe it. She always cleans up her messes in other people’s homes so I think the problem is there are no consequence for making family live in her mess. She does claim to be treated unfairly when asked to clean her spills and dog urine. I am looking at options for mandatory mental health treatment but I really don’t want this to end in a court case where all the information will be visible to the public. I’ve been pursued by a series of older men lately who insist I need them to take care of me. I’m worried that if my living situation become public fact due to a court case it will convince these men I’m an easy target or that I really need them. My life really is a mess right now.
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#7
It sounds like it's difficult for you to find an other job and a new place to live, is that so? You really shouldn't have to put up with your sister's behaviour. Could you just stop cleaning up after her? Do you think she would clean up after herself if you just left the mess for long enough? Or would it just make your home unbearable to live in? I understand very well that you're angry. Anything you can do to take care of YOURSELF, you should do. You deserve so much better than this!
__________________ "Little girls don't stay little forever. They turn into strong women that return to destroy your world." ~Kyle Stephens
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#8
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When my health was bad and I couldn't clean as much, her dirty bedding sat in the hallway outside her bedroom door for a few years. I found out eventually that my health problems were caused by her pouring her unfinished water from the previous day into the coffee maker reservoir, which was causing me chronic food poisoning that made me so tired that I thought I was dying. We had a huge fight when I told her to stop doing it and I've been feeling better since and trying to get my life back on track. Earlier this year I stopped trying to wash all the dishes because her dog's special diet increased the amount of dirty dishes she was producing. When I confronted her about not cleaning up after cooking and serving 5 meals a day for her dog, she claimed that I always leave dirty dishes just because I stopped washing up after her for a little while. During this time I stashed a few clean dishes in my bedroom so I wouldn't have to do dishes when I was really hungry or thirsty after work or yardwork. I am recognizing more and more that my sister's behavior is a result of some mental illness and since I can't get out, I'm trying not to take her verbal tantrums personally (easier said than done) and try to impose some rules about her leaving her dog's mess everywhere. I noticed the pattern that she will deny and accuse me of doing whatever she has done, but over time some changes do occur, like she no longer leaves dog poop on the floor, just pee which freaks me out less. I'm working on making it not seem normal to leave one's dog pee to dry into a brown crust all over the home. I know she feels judged and mistreated when I demand that she behaves like a normal person and that's why the atmosphere has become so toxic. I think I made some progress lately though. |
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#9
Do you think it could be a possibility to have the property sold by force, and have her evicted? The situation seems so unsanitary that you could report it to some place, health authorities or smth, I don't know where you can report such things where you live..
__________________ "Little girls don't stay little forever. They turn into strong women that return to destroy your world." ~Kyle Stephens
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#11
We can't sell the house because the amount we still owe is a lot higher than the market value so right now. I did consider reporting the health violations even though I'd be mortified to have people see the house in this state. If the conditions are code violations, the city could threaten to fine us if we do not get the house sanitary by a certain date. The threat of losing money is one of the few things that make her get her act together (with a lot of cursing and playing the victim). I just don't have the nerve to report my own home to code enforcement.
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#12
Really? I was just wondering today if adhd and autism could occur together. My sister insists our biological father (he abandoned us when I was 6) has aspergers, but I'm more inclined to think both he and my sister have adhd because they do a lot of similar things, are reckless and lack self awareness amd empathy. Based on things our father said about his father, I believe my grandfather also had some condition that impaired his ability to relate to people. I don't really see a lot of autism-like symptoms in my sister but I she labeled me as autistic a few years back and it made me wonder if she was projecting her own issues onto me. She started misinderstanding simple sentences and can't process expressions like similes and metaphors. I noticed her language problem back in college but it has gotten much worse in recent years.
Are autism and adhd conditions that get worse with age if left untreated? Whatever she has, it became really extreme about 4 years ago. She developed a compulsion to barge into my bedroom an average of 3 times every night, laughing and shouting at the same time. She used to claim that a professor's quiz questions had hidden meanings only she could understand and had occasional clashes with teachers and employers because they didn't appreciate her "unique" interpetation of what was said. Nowadays, she misunderstands simple sentences every day and insists that I can't use English properly. Her meltdowns increased from about 1 a day in her 20s to 10-15 verbal tantrums a day in her late 30, which sometimes ended with slamming doors and food and valuables flung on the floor. I'm sure something is not right, but I've been told it's not enough to force her to get diagnosed. I'm hoping to set some new standards and rules and stop letting her bad temper intimidate me from asserting my rights. I also really love this house and I want to try to restore it to the condition it used to be in. Thanks for your comment @Buffy01, it just happened to answer the question that was on my mind today. |
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#13
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Screaming, hitting, banging are sign of autism and adhd. There are many.symptoms. There medication to help with the behavior but there is no cure for autism, adhd. There many study about whether or not it is generic. I'm glad you I could help. I'm hope that this help! |
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#14
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#15
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I think it is possible that autism runs in our family because of several generations of problems on our father's side. I don't think she has mental retardation though. We were both did well in high school and college, and she won a lot of awards and competitions. Her problem with understanding simple sentences starred mid 30s so if it is a symptom it is probably something like early dementia or untreated ADHD getting worse rather than a retardation. The screaming and banging is a problem that seems to get worse with age. I'm a little worried since I can't force her to get diagnosed that things will get much worse. I see a lot of similarity between my sister and our biological father. They were both convinced at a young age that they were geniuses so they stopped studying and got angry when others surpassed them (her not studying or practicing music seems like ADHD). One difference between me and my sister was if someone like a parent called me a genius, I knew it was flattery and they did not really think I was a genius. My sister took such compliments literally instead of realizing people were just being polite or supportive (which seems a like aspergers to me) and she got angry when the rest of the world failed to recognize her genius (just like our father) and give her preferentail treatment. I've also been wondering if I inherited any of our parents' mental problems and regularly check myself for symptoms. If not, I might have to give some credence to my mom's ex-boyfriend's hints that he might be my real father. But he's a creep as well. Thanks for sharing the additional info. I think I can try to navigate my crazy family now that I believe it's a mental illness problem. |
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#17
@Buffy01 wow, I can't believe you found this old post. I was having a bad day today because I had to change my plans to clean up a really bad mess due to my sister. It's the kind of mess that can make people sick so I don't really have a choice but I'm angry about it.
I agree that it helps to think of her up behavior as a mental condition, though I still get frustrated that I have to deal with the unacceptable. What makes me mad is that more than one member of my family seem to have mental issues, but they always say I have mental problems because I get angry when they yell at me. My sister would hit and kick me well into her 20s and then she'd feel like a victim because I made her feel like a bad person when she attacked me. Same thing with my stepfather. He would yell at me or hit me and then tell people I bullied him because I got mad and both my sister and stepfather tell people I have mental problems. It's sad that they are mentally ill, but unfair that they project their issues on me. It's cool that you are studying your family tree. I sometimes analyze mine for patterns. Though it seems to me a lot of the behavioral issues are learned behaviors passed down from a parent or guardian. My older sister actually copies the behaviors of our aunts and stepfather without realizing it even though she hates them. It's as if she can only do what she has seen other people do. So it's hard to be sure of heredity. With the stepfather it's definitely environmental influence though both she and our stepfather act like they have adhd. She could have gotten it from our biological father because my mom's type were always men with the same behavioral problems. Thanks for your comment. It gave me something to think about. |
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