[BrightShadows]

Hi all, so I put a post on here four years ago now about how I wanted to run away and apparently I haven't moved forward at all.

My mother has bipolar disorder and I have been taking care of her since I was about 16. I never went to college because of this, I never moved out ect. I have been doing alot of thinking lately because she's going through a really bad patch (TW: suicidal, ect.). Even when she is at her best, I do all the cooking, cleaning, and work about 45 hours a week. She goes to all her counseling appointments and takes her pills, she works, but she doesn't do anything else. ever. And I just don't really feel like she's getting better at all, were in exactly the same place we were when I was 16.

I mean she has times when she's happier, but she's never really happy, or stable.
I live in terror of seeing her, because I have no idea what mood she will be in. She doesn't hurt me not physically, mentally, or emotionally.

I have depression, and anxiety from my abusive father (she had an abusive husband and mother), I just feel like I am giving up my life for her. I have been doing this for 8 years now, women in my family tend to live to their 90s, thats forty more years. When I am not there, she forgets to eat, she calls me crying at least three times a week ( I live in terror of phone calls).

She says she is often suicidal, that the only reason she doesn't kill herself most of the time is because of me. I feel like if I leave then I am basically choosing to let her die, however I cannot live like this any longer, I want to go to college, I want to have a life, my own place and be able to come home and actually relax instead of having a panic attack when the door opens downstairs.

Would it be wrong for me to move out, within the next year, even though I know she isn't really and isn't likely to become stable?

[dreamcatbuddhagirl]

I hear you, and sent a message. Hope it helps some 🎵💜🥀🕯️

[nicoleflynn]

That is emotional blackmail; you cannot live your life in fear of what she might do (easier said than done, I know).

[Serpentine Leaf]

It might be a good idea to call her therapist to let him/her know what's going on, or to get one of your own. Nicoleflynn is spot-on in calling this emotional blackmail. I know first-hand what it is to fear that a mother's sui threats are serious, and they very well may be. But you can't shoulder the full responsibility for a parent's life. Yours is being held in a cage because of her issues.

[sarahsweets]

You deserve a life of your own that doesnt involve taking care of your mother.

[BrightShadows]

Thanks everybody. I talked to my therapist today, and she said I had done everything humanly possible to help my mother and it wasn't working for her or for me. And it was hurting me. I think I will start preparing to leave this situation and move out. This idea terrifies me. Absolutely terrifying. I've always told myself that because my mom isn't abusing me, it wasn't hurting me but that isn't true. It is hurting me and staying will not help. I have some vague plans but I have no real idea how this will turn out. My counselor said I can't know how it will go. I'm not really sure how to go about getting a counselor on here and I do have one irl but if you know someone with experience I wouldn't mind talking to them. I may have decided to leave but it doesn't change the fact that its going to be months before I actually leave or that it terrifies me.

[Serpentine Leaf]

Originally Posted by BrightShadows

Thanks everybody. I talked to my therapist today, and she said I had done everything humanly possible to help my mother and it wasn't working for her or for me. And it was hurting me. I think I will start preparing to leave this situation and move out. This idea terrifies me. Absolutely terrifying. I've always told myself that because my mom isn't abusing me, it wasn't hurting me but that isn't true. It is hurting me and staying will not help. I have some vague plans but I have no real idea how this will turn out. My counselor said I can't know how it will go. I'm not really sure how to go about getting a counselor on here and I do have one irl but if you know someone with experience I wouldn't mind talking to them. I may have decided to leave but it doesn't change the fact that its going to be months before I actually leave or that it terrifies me.

I'm SO relieved that your therapist is so supportive and has convinced you that moving out is the best thing for you. Probably your mother too, because she's using your presence and care as an excuse to not work to get better. I understand how terrifying a situation this must be. Your life has been taken over by your mother's care and now your entire way of life, and where you live that life, will be completely different. There are more ways to cause harm to someone than abusing them. Stifling another person's life and progress causes very severe damage. Your therapist is right to say that you can't know the future; that's what frightens so many people about it, and change, and any other related thing. The unknown is a universal fear of all living beings. I'm really not sure about the online counseling here on PC, but you have plenty of peer support. The very best of luck to you, and plenty of encouraging hugs!