[darkskyy]

Hi!
Well, first of all this is the only place I can talk about this and my english is not very good so sorry for some mistakes!

The thing is: I don't know if I was molested as a child??
I always thought that being molested involved penetration or a **** out in my face or something, so I I tried not to give much thought.
But I read that molestation is any act with sexual intention towards another without their concent; and by reading that my head just went on it's on "oh! Me" .. so I thought it wouldn't be so bad to talk with someone about it since it's something that's been bothering me in a really really really long time?

Some background information: I had an overall **** childhood, both my parents were/are very verbally and more often then not physically abusive. I grew up hearing and being called all sort of things being hit etc, but it's not as bad as some other people go through I never had a broken bone or something just some bruising or a little blood, so it was pretty chill I guess.
But what it really bothers me is my father's sometimes I'm guessing sexual innuendos?

Like for most of my child/teen years I just tried to brush it off as me being too sensitive because I'm not really a touchy-feely person? I never really liked people touching me and still don't, and by living in a latin american country people here do tend to have more casual physical contact, so I just thought I was different I guess.

Anyway what really bothers me (I'm gonna go into details because I don't know if this count as molested?):
I remember being I guess 10/11? and being in a light shirt and panties-short going to my room and my father and I were the only people in house at the time. He was lying on the sofa-bed with only shorts on. He asked me to lie with him, I was going to lie beside him but he grabed me and I was lying on top of him. I didn't like it and I tried to get up but he put his arm around my waist and said something I don't remember but at the time I felt bad? and just brushed off as me acting weird on my own so I just stayed there. At first it was just that. I hated it but whatever.
But then he started putting his hand inside my shirt and "patting" it? I just stood froze there. And at some point my whole shirt was up to my neck in a way that my bare chest was against his. And he would run his hands all over my back and sides and maybe grab my waist down when I tried to get off a little? then he reached for his zeeper and opened it and he kinda repositioned my body and my thigh was over it and I could feel a "bump" like I felt something hard and he started heavy breathing loudly on my ear and I could feel hot breath on my neck and kinda kiss peck it, I felt really disgusting panicked and pushed myself up and went to my room and sat on the floor in silence while facing the door so I just grabbed a book and tried to forget about it and I talked myself out of it as just me over thinking it? And it could be idk.. But whenever I think about this day (even now that I'm writting about it) I always cry and feel like scrapping the skin of my neck off like I can still feel him heavy breathing on me and rubbing his hands on my body eww ew ew ew ahdhdkjskshdkdkdhshw.

The funny thing is that for some time I did forgot about it. And then one day when I was around 15 I was watching a movie on a random site and an porn add pop up, I guess it supposed to be funny it was of a girl sitting on a sofa and a guy was with a hard **** rubbing on her trying to get her an attention while she was trying to ignore him. I remember looking at it and having a really strong feeling of "oh I know how that is" then I went "wait how? I never even kissed anyone" and then I just feel utterly discusting and starting ugly crying?? Kinda everything come again and I felt like trowing up? But then I calmed down and talked myself out of it.
Like, my father is a piece of **** I know that more than anyone. But I would like to think he wouldn't do that.... but my memories and feelings tell me otherwise and I have nightmares for years.
I'm 21 now and this still haunts me.
A week ago I had such a vivid nightmare that I woke up panicking...
I remember 15 me being so fed up with it that one day after this I casually said how I looked like **** (more to myself than anything) and he said to me "Well you should still do good use of it. Because no woman is more beautiful when they are 15. After 15 women just go bad/down hill" I remeber being angry and thinking "you sound just like a pedophille" and feeling really sick...

I always made sure to always after a shower don't get out in a towel, always put my clothes on inside the bathroom with the door locked... and sometimes he would enter my room and lie on my bed and I wouod freak out a little and get out of my room just to be safe..... but every single one of things I would do "just to be safe" I would feel bad about it? Like I shouldn't be this wary of my own father? And I'm probably overthinking it? And acting like a freak over nothing?

But being all in my head or not the truth is:
I was really really really unconfortable with at lot of things he did. I didn't like it at all. I felt discusting. I didn't/don't like him touching me, hugging me or whatever.
Why would I be comfortable and affectionate with a man who verbally and physcologically abuse me everyday since I was born? Call me *****, *****, useless, that I never should've been born, then 20 min laters ask me to lie in bed with him and "cuddle"?? EW Wtf! And then make me feel bad saying things like "oh, you don't like your father?" "I provided food and a shelter for you and that's how you thank me?".

And my parents would have really strong fights since forever the truth is that they hate each other and my mother(who's the only person who hates me as much as my father maybe more lol) would always try to put me in the fight and make me choose sides?? I would always try to stay neutral because like?I kinda hate both of you equally lol I don't care if you kill each other in fact pls do it lol (kidding) and she would scream things like.. she would tell me to **** him good? And tell me he's into it?? Like mother wtf and say she knows he's a pedo and I like it??? But then she would calm down and say something like "oh sorry, I just got angry" .... but is it normal for mothers when get angry to accuse you of ****ing your father? she does this with my sister too...
She knows/see that he was always physical and verbally abusive with me but she just don't care (she does the same lol and actually even more frequently than him) so for her maybe being abused in other ways doesn't matter.... and I just know she would put the blame on me.... I mean.. when I come out as bisexual when I was 18 she kinda kicked me out and said I would infect her or try to touch my sister?? Like?? What? So.. well..

And I don't know if this has any relation but as I said I'm 21 years old lame virgin who only kissed like once in her life lmao and I kinda... .. when I imagine any man touching me I panic and remember that day sometimes..... Honestly I just want closure.
I'm so mentally tired over SO many things... depression, social anxiety, anxiety over everything, random panic episodes, eating disorders, antisocial behavior, self-harm, suicidal... I just someone opinion on this...
I never talked with anyone about this... and I know I should probably see a therapist but I don't have the money so this is it....

I just want closure. Someone to say I'm crazy and overthought everything or that it happened so just get over it because a lot of people got it worse. Anyway I'm fine. I just one one less thing consuming my head with doubt.

[Yaowen]

Dear darkskyy,

I just read your post but sadly I do not have the knowledge, experience or wisdom to know how to help. You have been through so much and are still going through so much and it is all just utterly heartbreaking. Hopefully others here with more insight will be able to offer you better words than my poor words. You deserve so much better than what you have received in life! So very, very sorry that I was unable to helpful to you. Sometimes I wish I could be helpful to others but don't know how.

Sincerely yours, -- Yao Wen

[Skeezyks]

Hello darkskyy: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry you had to endure all of this mistreatment. From what you wrote it certainly does sound to me as though what happened to you would be considered molestation along with verbal, emotional & physical abuse. Here are links to 10 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help with putting what you've endured into perspective:

Coping with Sexual Abuse | Psych Central

Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse

Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Reasons Family Members Side with Sexual Abusers

Are Your Parents Toxic?

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...toxic-parents/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...busive-mother/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...dium=popular17

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...r-inner-child/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-step...dium=popular17

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Open Eyes]

Hi darkskky welcome to Psych Central. Oh boy, sorry you grew up with parents who hated each other and abused their children too.

What you described of your father doing was VERY wrong of HIM. Even though you were young, you actually did the right thing, when you realized his behavior was wrong you got up and left and distanced from him. So, you do KNOW his behavior was wrong and you did make the choice of saying no to him by leaving and getting away from him. Good for you and NEVER ALLOW yourself to blame yourself for that either. You were just a child and he was the adult and it was YOUR FATHER that acted inappropiatly with you.

It's unfortunate but even one's own parents can be scum. You have a right to explore sexuality on YOUR terms with whomever you like as long as you are not forcing yourself on anyone and the other person agrees to explore with you.