It continues

My partner recently started counseling because he confessed he's been a compulsive liar. He wants to change his ways so today he told me he's in debt with $25 000 just in credit card bills. He's still paying off his previous $50 000 debt, plus a $10 000 debt to his parents (from prior to our relationship), and a $6 000 debt to me. I've helped him rebuild his credit, lent him money to invest so we could both get ahead, paid for 2 vehicles with cash (which he's still paying me half for), and begged him not to get any credit cards.

By the time our 3 year old is in kindergarten, he'll have paid off his $50 000 debt. I was really looking forward to it. But his debts have been replaced with other irresponsible choices that affects us as a family.

I'm financially stuck, as I'm still on extended maternity leave, and have been approved to return to work in the fall, part time. Our children don't have daycare to go to, nor can either one of us afford all the expenses, independently.

I feel like a major bomb has been dropped and there's nothing at the moment I can do about it.

Financial infidelity is a thing. He has no regard for the money hes been given and even less regard for owing legal debts. This goes beyond compulsive lying. He is taking away from you and your child. He is prioritizing his wants over the well being of his family. Do you know what the credit card debt was for? Has he bought material goods or god forbid adult entertainment on the web? Are any of these material goods benefiting you?

Is this debt due to legitimate reasons like medical bills while having crappy health insurance? He lost money in a scam? Student loans? Had to take bank loan to pay a lawyer in divorce? Has to pay spousal support to his ex that is so high that he can’t manage? Has to help struggling family member? Couldn’t work full time while in college and had to go in debt being able to finish his degrees? Was a single parent and couldn’t manage raising a child without going into debt? Was laid off and couldn’t manage on unemployment? Car payments? Mortgage? Stuck with someone else’s debt? Borrowed money got business and it fell through? Borrowed money to pay immigration lawyer? Borrowed to relocate?

Just giving examples of actually some situations that people end up in. Not every debt is a huge red flag. I have some debt. Doesn’t make me a bad or unreliable person. Life happens especially if you are by yourself and have no one to bail you out

Saying that, it depends on how and why he went into debt and what led to that? Go over his credit card bills and see what was he spending on?

He said he was living beyond his means. We're not partyers, travellers, and don't buy expensive things.. so I'm not really sure what that means.

I looked at his latest bill for one of his credit cards and it all went to fast food and some groceries.

He said it began when I was pregnant with our 3yr old and said he wanted to impress everyone. He claims the $25 000 all went to groceries, restaurants, fast foods, gas, and clothing for the girls. We also bought a couple of furniture pieces together (paid half each). I'm assuming he meant he wanted his family and I to believe he was a good financial provider. I just thought he was spending his earned pay checks. He has a full time job plus two side jobs helping friends out. I asked him where "that" money went and he said to bills and credit card payments.

He's impulsive and had a history of bad credit when we met which I helped him clear (with his money). I begged him not to get a credit card and when he got one, anyway, I asked if he could at least put a $500 limit to it, like I've done. That way he can maintain his credit and not get sucked into further problems. He didn't take to my advice.

We're not married (common law) so I believe because it's under his name, the laws where we live makes this his debt, only. Of course, we have 2 children and so I'll have to double check if there are exceptions to this rule.

I feel like it's theft. The bill statement I saw said he had an $11 000 limit, and he went over it by some. It showed he made a $400 payment last month. I'm thinking the other 2 credit cards have been maxed out and ignored.

I financially contribute to our family. I'm collecting maternity benefits plus I tutor on the side. I pay all of my housing portion and bills down the middle. I buy groceries, clothing for our girls, etc.

I'm clueless about his "need" to do this.

I'll have to check out what this really means.

"Financial infidelity can be overcome, of course, but it requires honest effort from both members of the relationship. Accusations won't solve the problem, nor will anger. It takes time, it takes communication, and it takes calmness. If you can't bring those to the table yourself, you are a big part of the problem."

I am calm. I'm not even angry. I'm depressed over it. Our whole relationship has been an uphill battle over honesty and communication.

Where I am at common law isn’t recognized. If it’s his debt, it’s only his as you aren’t married but you need to investigate laws in your area.

I’d not consider it theft if he didn’t steal your money but if he didn’t disclose his financial habits, I’d call it being inconsiderate, not really stealing. Was he always this way? Was he financially irresponsible before you decided to have two children together? Or that was a sudden change?

Before my time he was charged with a $50k theft due to a drug addiction. He went into rehab and got himself clean. Three years later we entered our relationship. He's been clean for nearly 10 years.

I knew about his history but believed it was all to do with his addiction he no longer was involved with.

He is still paying off this debt, monthly, throughout our relationship. With my encouragement and his need to seek my approval, he paid off his other debts (various neglected bills). He wasn't able to get a credit card at first because of his history. But at some point in our relationship, he was approved. I also lent him money for investments so he could get ahead. He's been paying me back, regularly, and for different reasons, for years. This was my way to get ahead as a family.

I see this as theft because he didn't discuss with me at all, particularly because of everything else. He has 3 credit cards maxed out, not just one. From what he says (and what I saw) a lot of it went towards trivial things.. a Subway sandwich, a Starbucks coffee, A&W.. etc. So he racks up a credit card like this and then opens another and another?

If he were more diligent and willing, he would have just kept the one at the $5000 limit it started with. I begged him to lower his limit.. even to $1000. He didn't.. instead he had it increased significantly, plus added more cards.

So to answer your question, I believed he was being financially responsible throughout our relationship. I couldn't force him to lower his limit but he did provide for the family, too. I just didn't realize doing so meant he was misusing his credit.

Thank for clarifying. I get it now. I think I just didn’t fully grasp the concept of you living as a family, not just cohabitating boyfriend and girlfriend with things being separate. Actually I think in Canada you’d be considered like you’d married. I’d worry about you getting stuck with his debt.

What things are being separate?

I looked into the laws from where I live (it varies provincially) and it said I'd likely not be responsible if my name was not attached to the account. It advised to speak with a lawyer though, to discuss possible exemptions. I plan on doing that but without him knowing. If it turns out I "am" responsible, I really don't want him knowing that. He can very easily say the cards went towards the family, and some of it has. I'd rather help him come up with another plan to pay it off, before we potentially seperate.

The heartache on top of everything is this.. he still has his theft debt, a debt to his parents, a debt to me, plus now $25 000!!! He brings in $40-50k per year. It just means we're going to be scraping by now, as he pays this all off, just as I'm returning to work, part time. Daycare here (times 2) is really expensive. We're trying to make the best financial choices for our FAMILY, and yet he's working against what we're trying to achieve.

And remember? He has MS. I asked him, what happens if he's no longer able to work due to his health? It'll ALL FALL ON ME.. and he'll reap in the sympathies from everyone else because no one else knows what's going on. It's a significant burden on me.

He also said he'd give me his credit cards.

EDIT: He's cut up 2 of his cards (which were maxed out, anyway) and changed his mind about giving me the $11 000 credit card.

He said he'll "look into" consolidation but seems resistant. I suspect he's going to ignore the other 2 cards, while pay/use the card in question.

So.. not a lot of progress.

What things? Finances. People usually keep finances completely separate if they aren’t married. I had a boyfriend years ago, we lived together. His credit cards weren’t my business, and my financial stuff wasn’t his business. As long as we paid mutual bills and didn’t take advantage of each other, the rest was our private business. But we didn’t have kids together so that’s different

If he brings home only $40k -50k and you either don’t work or work part time and have two kids, he needs to watch his spending, he can’t live like he makes 200k. He is unrealistic. And it’s nearly impossible to pay debt not making that much. It doesn’t sound promising and if he continued his habits, you’d never see the end of it. He might need a second job to pay debt etc

We keep our finances seperate. I do our joint taxes yearly so what we make is no secret. He took on extra jobs with his friends to help pay back his debt to me (cars, investments, etc). I do this because of his history.

As much as I let it not impact my decision for who he was back then, I'm no dummy when it comes to my finances. So, if we make large purchases (a dog, cars, etc) it's with the understanding that we're doing this, equally. It usually means I pay up front and he pays me back, little by little.

I have an adult son with special needs (from a different relationship) so I'm not splurging my hard earned savings on someone who doesn't have a savings account due to poor choices in his past. Yes, it sounds harsh. It's my comfort level. I don't want to be taken advantage of.

Well that's the kicker, right there. I'm on extended maternity benefits and tutor on the side. I make just enough to pay towards my housing and portion of my bills. To alleviate further financial stress, it is best for me to return to work in the fall, part time, which wasn't easy to get permission for. It'll save us hefty daycare fees, times 2 toddlers, and I'll be able to stay home with them, 4 days a week (and tutor). Unfortunately, due to the coronavirus, I'm unable to tutor right now, as well, until things settle.

I'm in zero position to leave.. and he tells me this about his unforeseen debt. I'm really affected by it. I'm glad he's taking steps to become more transparent and maybe it was safer for him to do so, knowing I'm stuck.

I'm giving him one week to figure out a concrete plan, to find a way to consolidate his debts into one easy payment per month, and to hand over his credit cards, at least temporarily. He's given me 2 out of the three cards (or at least, they're sitting on the counter, cut in halves).

I'm not accepting his, "I'll keep the one card and pay it off" (while ignoring the other two). It's a problem.

I also want him to have a conversation with his mom because she's one of the reasons why he's in hiding. He wants her to believe he's made a turn around in his life (a recovered drug addict, maintaining multiple jobs, long term relationship, and 2 young children) so she can be proud of him.. and she really is. She is not at all aware any of what is happening, and she lives 4 doors away.. but she most definitely hears his campaign smearing in his attempt to hide his darkness and blame me.

He needs to address the root.

No it’s not harsh at all. I think it’s very wise to not splurge your money on someone else. I’d never support another adult (unless extreme circumstance of them becoming fully disabled/ incapacitated to no fault of their own in the course of our relationship ).

Not paying his other cards will really cause him major problems. He should probably consolidate his debt. Or at least call them and ask for some type of plan. Not just ignore it.

Story with his mom is frustrating. What could she blame you for and what kind of things he says? You aren’t the one racking up his debt!

She doesn't know about this debt. He has a $10k debt to her, too. He's slowly coming out of hiding.. and apparently with her, as well.

That’s good news

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