[paris7149]

Possible trigger:

With all the Jeffrey Epstein stuff going on I've caught myself somewhat obsessing over him and his victims.
I'm a 34 year old female and I've lived quite the life... I didn't have the easiest upbringing. My mom was an addict and my dad was in and out trouble with the law up until I was about 11. But there was no sexual or physical abuse just neglect.. anyways.. I started smoking pot when I was about 11 and started dabbling in meth at about 13. Well when I was 14 (going on 30) I met a guy that cooked meth and he was older... 38 to be exact and I loved him and I thought he loved me. I remember a car chase with him, me, and my dad and me literally jumping out of a moving vehicle so my dad and my brother couldn't catch him. As I knew my dad wouldn't just drive by and leave me on the side of the road, so my dad brings me home and I, of course rush to get ahold of this grown *** man I actually thought I was in a real relationship with and I realized my mom is calling the cops on him, so naturally I freaked out as only a teenager can and I runaway. And for the next almost 2 years, at the age of 14 until I was almost 16, I lived in a 40 year old man until we got arrested for conspiracy to manufacture methamphetamine... A month before my 16th birthday.
Even as I write this I can't remember exact details. I can't remember if we had sex. I can't remember if he ever touched me or I touched him. I can only remember one incident of being in the shower and him telling me he liked it shaved...
Almost two years of my life and that's all I remember.
Since I was 16, I continued my addiction to meth, have been in and out of jail, prison twice ( only because I escaped the first time), I don't have any kids yet and I can sustain all relationship is my life depended on it. I was released from prison over 3 years ago

and I'm sober, going to school, I work, and have my own place, but I feel broken somehow now..
So I'm not sure why I'm posting this or what I expect to come from it.. I guess I just needed to say it out loud or to see it in writing... maybe try to make it more real so I quit hiding from it. Or maybe I just need to be told that it's not my fault.. or maybe that I'm not a victim at all

[Yaowen]

Dear paris7149,

I am so very sorry for the terrible ordeals you have suffered in your life. What you have been through is just heartbreaking. To me you are a very heroic person. I wish I knew what to say to ease your pain but sadly I lack the experience, insight and wisdom. I do hope these Forums will prove helpful to you in your struggles. I think your post will inspire many people who are struggling. And I wish you only the very best.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[mote.of.soul]

Hi paris7149, it's nice to have you aboard.

Welcome to the forum!

[paris7149]

Thanks you guys. Just reading these 2 replies makes getting through the day a little easier.

[Bill3]

It wasn't your fault.

[adelin]

While I can't relate in your story, I empathize with being unable to remember a traumatic life event. When I was 15 I was sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend. We ended up getting back together. I don't remember what went down really, only that I tried to end it many times but would always be convinced to stay. But, who knows if I even remember that right? I repressed it for fear of being kicked out or rejected by my family, especially my mother, who is a leader in her church. It still affected me, I'm pretty sure i have an eating disorder because of it. But when I got to college, everything resurfaced, and I was faced with the real emotional consequences of it all. So I truly empathize. If there's one thing I know though, with my limited therapeutic knowledge, is that it most certainty IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It's something I still have to come to accept, but I get there bit by bit.