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Map1976R79
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Member Since: Jun 2020
Location: Sudbury Ontario Canada
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Trig Jun 28, 2020 at 07:54 PM
  #1
Hey. I’m Ember. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorders and experience periods of Hypomania. I’ve been working on it since I was about 4. I noticed it was a problem when I was around 10. I was odd. Lol. So I spent my entire life wondering why. I’ve had multiple ups and downs,
Possible trigger:
stuff. Life things. But I did manage to get married to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful children with him. My life is “normal” by all outside appearances. I just suffer. So I’ve been seeing psychiatrists and taking meds for years, well 20 actually, 20 years. I quit cold turkey last year. I was feeling pretty good for about 7 months after I got over the initial detox then I started to have nightmares that I couldn’t remember. I’d wake up crying, sweaty, shaking, terrified. I’d never end up getting back to sleep after either which was awful. Then I started getting terrible anxiety every time I was alone until I couldn’t stand to be alone anymore. This continued for about 2 months and I tried to cope on my own. During month 14 of my life without meds
Possible trigger:
My parents are barred from contacting me or anyone in my house hold or my in laws, etc. I have 300 family members between my mother and fathers side of the family. None of them will speak to me. Well not kindly anyway. I had to delete all of my social media accounts etc. Anyway. I’m just having a hard time with all of this and I feel like crap most days but I can’t really just take time because I’ve got nowhere but the hospital (which scares me) to go, I don’t want to leave my husband and children, they’re the only people I know. I have no friends. People are disasters I prefer to avoid if I can. So yeah. I guess I just need a place to express how I’m feeling without burdening my husband with my pain. He feels bad enough and I don’t want to become the object of his pity. I’ve never really been one to let him see what’s going on inside of me. I don’t want to show my family how crushed and small I really am right now. That’s my intro. That’s mostly it. Thanks. Hope it gets posted. Good luck everyone.

Last edited by bluekoi; Jun 28, 2020 at 10:13 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon. Apply trigger code.
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Default Jun 29, 2020 at 12:37 AM
  #2
Welcome to Psych Central. I'm very sorry for what you are going through.

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Default Jul 13, 2020 at 06:17 PM
  #3
Welcome, I understand your position. I was abused in my younger years. My life has always been hard, and I have been rejected by most of my family because of it. The only true thing I have trusted in my life, was a very tiny chihuahua named Jose. He didn't have a chance at life before I took him. He was at a puppy mill, and he was sick, and they were going to let him die. I took him, and did everything in my power to keep him alive. He was on 3 different medications twice a day, and when his life turned bad, he was over 9 years old. Jose was my support, and I was his. Now I am truly on my own.
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Default Jul 15, 2020 at 09:25 PM
  #4
Sorry about the terrible position you are in Map1976R79. I have come here to feel like I belong to something with people that are not going to judge me for all that I have been through. I have few people that feel like I can confide in, but they don't have the ability to understand what I am going through and I am hoping that being here will make a difference in my world. I hope the same for you.
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Default Oct 10, 2021 at 07:13 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Map1976R79 View Post
Hey. I’m Ember. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorders and experience periods of Hypomania. I’ve been working on it since I was about 4. I noticed it was a problem when I was around 10. I was odd. Lol. So I spent my entire life wondering why. I’ve had multiple ups and downs,
Possible trigger:
stuff. Life things. But I did manage to get married to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful children with him. My life is “normal” by all outside appearances. I just suffer. So I’ve been seeing psychiatrists and taking meds for years, well 20 actually, 20 years. I quit cold turkey last year. I was feeling pretty good for about 7 months after I got over the initial detox then I started to have nightmares that I couldn’t remember. I’d wake up crying, sweaty, shaking, terrified. I’d never end up getting back to sleep after either which was awful. Then I started getting terrible anxiety every time I was alone until I couldn’t stand to be alone anymore. This continued for about 2 months and I tried to cope on my own. During month 14 of my life without meds
Possible trigger:
My parents are barred from contacting me or anyone in my house hold or my in laws, etc. I have 300 family members between my mother and fathers side of the family. None of them will speak to me. Well not kindly anyway. I had to delete all of my social media accounts etc. Anyway. I’m just having a hard time with all of this and I feel like crap most days but I can’t really just take time because I’ve got nowhere but the hospital (which scares me) to go, I don’t want to leave my husband and children, they’re the only people I know. I have no friends. People are disasters I prefer to avoid if I can. So yeah. I guess I just need a place to express how I’m feeling without burdening my husband with my pain. He feels bad enough and I don’t want to become the object of his pity. I’ve never really been one to let him see what’s going on inside of me. I don’t want to show my family how crushed and small I really am right now. That’s my intro. That’s mostly it. Thanks. Hope it gets posted. Good luck everyone.
Welcome.

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Dear Diary today will be different today I can smile it will be genuine because today is the day I get to live.

This life will be good and beautiful, but not without heartbreak.

In death come peace. But pain is the cost of living.

Like love, it's how we know we're alive.

And life goes on.

That my life weird, messy, complicated, sad, wonderful, amazing, and above all epic and I owe all to Stephen. - Eleanor Gilbert Vampire Diaries
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Default Oct 10, 2021 at 08:16 PM
  #6
Hello Ember, Welcome to the site.

I'm not sure I can be of much help, but I think I can understand some of what you are going through. I was married to a woman for 9 years with a diagnosed personality disorder--though I didn't find out about her disorder till after the divorce. I commend you for taking steps to deal with your issues, my ex never would. She would go to a shrink, tell him he was helping, then just go on with her life, living in her own world. Again, I commend you for taking steps to deal with your issues.

About a year and a half ago I briefly saw a woman with extreme social anxiety. She was basically confined to her bedroom because of the anxiety and depression. We didn't date long, but we did become close friends. Because of that friendship, I understand how challenging social anxiety can be.

It sounds to me like you are a very responsible person. I'm sorry you are going through all of this right now, especially the part about your father. I never dealt with that, but I my father was an alcoholic and I've had to deal with growing up as an adult child of an alcoholic.

I'm relatively new here myself, but I believe there are good people here who truly care.

BOM
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