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Member Since Jul 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 3
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#1
Honestly, this is the last place I'd expect to find myself. I grew up being emotionally & physically abused by my mom. After I left home, I educated myself about domestic violence and abuse.
Now I'm 37 and realizing that my spouse has been emotionally and possibly sexually (more on that later) abusing me for I don't even know how long, and I couldn't see it until recently. I left them last week, and it's been such a relief, though now I'm finding myself feeling really confused all the time as I try to process what happened. I think what made it so hard for me to see is that my spouse is socially justice-minded and is horrified by abusive relationships. They have had anti-violence training and volunteered for domestic violence shelters in the past. They couldn't see their own abusive behaviours though, and when I pointed them out to them, they were shocked. After I told them, they told me they were moving out, because they didn't want me to live with someone I didn't feel safe with. On the possible sexual abuse: My spouse and I enjoyed touching each other in pleasurable ways we considered non-sexual. Only they would sometimes claim I owed it to them, even though in the moment I wouldn't want to. I would be heavily guilted if I didn't, so usually I just did it anyway, even though it made me uncomfortable. I'm hesitant to label this sexual abuse, but it honestly feels like it is... anyone have some insight for me? If it's not, what would you call it? |
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Fuzzybear, Skeezyks
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Disreputable Old Troll
Member Since Oct 2015
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#2
Hello twickers: Although I see you've also posted a thread in the New Members Introductions forum, I believe this is actually your first posted thread in your new account. So anyway, I thought since you have yet to receive a reply to this post, I would offer my welcome (back to PC) here. I hope you find being back to be of benefit.
__________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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Fuzzybear
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
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#3
Welcome to pc, twickers!
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Elder
Member Since Mar 2013
Location: NJ
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#4
I have had a similar awakening, and it is very disturbing to me, not least because my husband is dead now and has been for five years so I couldn’t even confront him if I wanted to. I came to the conclusion last night. I have been awake for 24 hours because I am so overwhelmed.
As for sexual abuse, I too questioned it and am still questioning it. Often I would be guilted into sex. I told myself I was just “annoyed” and it was easier to give in to “get him off my back”, but....I’m thinking now that it should t have happened at all. Look up sexual coercion. That accurately describes what I went through. I just wanted to say I’m with you. __________________ Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
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ShaneG
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#5
Twickers don’t beat yourself for not seeing it right away. These individuals are master manipulators and they know how to charm and gain your trust. They know how to seem charming and seem like they care about you. They often know how to sweep you off your feet just as in the movie gaslight.
Ironically these individuals are often involved with charities and other areas where the theme is helping others. They have a certain type they pick that they know they can manipulate. |
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Abusedbysister, ShaneG
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Abusedbysister, ShaneG
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Account Suspended
Member Since Jul 2020
Location: Unknown
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#6
Quote:
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Abusedbysister, Open Eyes
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Abusedbysister
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Member
Member Since May 2020
Location: East Coast
Posts: 55
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#7
I think you're seeing this clearly. If you were uncomfortable or didn't want to and coerced anyway? I'd say you picked up on something. No one should be forced or ever feel uncomfortable. Discomfort is a sign, our instincts, saying something is off. I know it's hard to process, so give yourself plenty of time to work it out mentally. But it sounds like you got out of that relationship for a good reason.
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ShaneG
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ShaneG
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2012
Location: rochester, michigan
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#8
Sex should be something that is pleasurable and enjoyed by 2 people.......being guilted......abuse.
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Member
Member Since Sep 2020
Location: San Francisco, California
Posts: 72
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#9
It's been two years since I got out of the "relationship" I was in, if you could really call it a relationship. Those thoughts of confusion are not doubts, they come with the territory of something new. Especially if you were in a relationship for a long time. Also because the abuser always blames the one being abused so those doubts are also a reaction of not wanting to believe that it wasn't your fault. Hang in there. I hope things look better soon.
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