Was it Abuse?

My story is a long one, I'll understand if you don't read it all.

I got married when I was 19 but even then I knew that what I had wanted (education, a future family, a future business).

So that we could get on our feet, I joined the Military. My ship was a pre-commissioned ship (I joined the Navy) so the hours got long and the stress was high. The year we got Commissioned, we were actually home maybe 48 days that year before December.

During that time, we went through a lot of stress. Originally my husband had been scheduled to also go into the Military but he didn't because he had 'back problems', so he didn't work at all at first. Let me tell you, being an E-1 in the military and supporting two people is very difficult.

He was NOT my pillar of support. If I was stressed, he would become more stressed, so then I would have to calm down and help him calm down. He had been loving at first in the marriage, but as the first year went on and I started gaining weight, as the days became longer and I became more stressed, the less sympathetic he seemed.
We would have issues/arguments. I would try and sit down with him and talk, but he'd never say anything. I would talk and talk and talk and he'd just sit there, staring at me. When I'd ask him to say something, anything, he would go "I don't have anything to say, what do you want me to say?"

So the issues rarely were resolved. I started trying more to convey my feelings to him, he said I nagged him too much and that I was never happy.

Some of the arguments were over me wanting to start a business and wanting children. He said he hated children and wanted nothing to do with them. He said starting a business was too risky and that it was doomed to fail and I'd make us go bankrupt. There was never compromise, it was what he wanted, always.

Even in little things, he always got what he wanted. When we had originally talked about rings, I had said that I wanted White Gold to compliment the engagement ring. He wanted yellow gold because it looked like "The One Ring" from Lord of the Rings. Eventually, we decided to just go with White Gold. When we were at the Court House for the wedding, he shows up with a Yellow Gold ring saying that he couldn't get anything else. I had to go trade in his ring for a gold ring, pay extra, just so he could gloat and be happy about him having his 'One Ring'.

Then came my new supervisor and shortly after that, an E-5 who took one look at me, said I wasn't 'doing enough' and did nothing but pick on me and belittle me and talk about me behind my back to said supervisor. Supervisor yelled at me for very minor mistakes...or any mistake for that matter, but never really yelled at those higher than me that would make mistakes, not be on time, etc. Basically, she treated me like an incompetent child and the E-5 (who later became assistant supervisor for becoming buddy-buddy with her) continued to treat me even further like crap, even going so far as to verbally curse me out in front of everyone in the office over something that wasn't my fault.
There was more stress before the supervisor came in at work but that'll just make the story longer. Let's just say I went through a lot of emotional stress to have her come in and give me twice as much as I had just dealt with.

I stopped eating. I slept horribly. I started 'seeing' things out of the corner of my eyes. Being alone frightened me, being alone in the dark was absolutely horrifying to me. I gained a substaintional amount of weight.

When I'd go home, I'd tell my husband. Most of the time he'd just say "I'm sorry to hear that." with little emotion. After a while it was: "Yeah, we know already, you hate the Navy. It's getting old." or "You only say it everyday." and then he would say that and just sigh or roll his eyes.

I felt alone. When we were underway so much, I'd ask my husband if he missed me, or to e-mail me and let me know how he was doing. He'd send me one liners saying that he didn't know what to say and when it came to missing me, he said he just didn't think about it and it helped. It made me feel unloved and unwanted, on top of getting yelled at all the time by my supervisor.

I became suicidal. It seemed like everything was my fault and I was the problem. I had issues remembering anything, my temper was short, I wanted to cry all the time and I hated myself.

My husband, at that time, wanted to leave me. Our sex life had come to a halt, mostly because the ONLY time he was affectionate with me was when he wanted sex. We never did any positions unless it was positions he wanted to do. All the ones I liked (which was me on top) didn't 'feel good' to him. When our sex life stopped, he became grumpy and emotional, saying that I didn't find him appealing anymore and it pissed him off.

He had started talking to this girl that we had both met online. They both had an attraction to each other. They talked on the internet all the time, she was calling him all the time, etc. He said there was nothing going on, but he had a history of being attracted to women who were attracted to him and 'nothing' going on (when in fact, the one time I PAYED for him to go see said friend, they had gotten drunk and made out with each other. He didn't tell me that until six months after the fact).

I went to therapy because I didn't feel like me anymore. They put me on medication (Zoloft) and diagnosed me with Clinical Depression. I almost got kicked out of the military for attempted suicide (I had tried to slit my wrists). But the arguments continued.

After every therapy session I talked to my husband about it; he'd become VERY defensive and angry with me. I told him that we should BOTH go, but he was trying to get into the military again and refused, saying it would look bad on him.
Nothing I did was good enough. I didn't cook food the right way, I didn't wash clothes the right way, I didn't fold his shirts just the right way. I could watch 100 of his favorite movies and if I didn't exactly like 1, he'd say we have nothing in common and would stop trying to share his likes with me, but he NEVER liked anything I liked and I had to deal with it because he wasn't going to like it.

Eventually, I realized that after 3 1/2 years, that if I couldn't make him happy, someone out there wouldn't mind someone like me. He kept saying he wanted a divorce, that he wanted to be with other women and 'explore' and that he was bored with marriage. After trying to change myself for him and go through therapy, I finally gave up and said 'okay'. I filed the petition for divorce and he was happy.

Then it all changed.

I took my car back and began to split the finances between me and him. I got paid much more than he and he was a bit surprised by this. I began taking him to work instead of him taking me. I began to hang out with friends that I didn't before because I spent all my time with him. His friends, after a night where he got drunk and treated me like utter %#@&#! in front of everyone, stopped calling him to come over. He became angry and bitter.

He resorted to drinking more heavily and being very angry and bitter towards me when I'd come home from work. A few months later I met my current boyfriend and sparks flew. I stopped hanging around at the house because it was stressful. I was confused, he had wanted the divorce right? He said he wasn't 'in love' with me right? He had his girlfriend on the side right? I mean, he treated her a helluva lot better than he treated his own wife right?

One day he calls me. It was all a lie. He really did love me and he was just insecure because he thought he wasn't good enough. He wanted children all of a sudden, and that girl that he was talking to all the time? He was talking to her about me and what he should do about our failing relationship. He had been mean to me on purpose because he had wanted to push me away and make me leave him.

I told him that I didn't feel the same way anymore (and I hadn't, oh the miracle of Zoloft and clearing my head!). At the time, it was because I had made my decision to move on and be with my wonderful boyfriend, who has been a pillar of support since day one. His response was to start drinking even more, his sarcastic comments towards me becoming more vicious.

Eventually, I became tired of coming home and him being passed out only for me to drag him to the bathroom to throw up. When he started crying and saying he was sorry, saying that he didn't mean to do and say all those things...I felt suddenly afraid, as if I was in a very dangerous situation because it was the same speech that would be 'traditional' for abusive people to say to their significant others.

I sent him home to his mother. The rest of the story isn't so important beyond him going from angry and bitter towards me, accusing me of not being there for him and being a big ***** for kicking him out, to calling me up to apologize for everything and then just plain indifference to me after I told him (once again) that I didn't want to get back together.

As of the 7th of this month, I am officially divorced. I am with a loving boyfriend that supports me and cherishes me, but I'm still having issues.

People keep telling me that my ex husband was abusive to me emotionally, and that it's affecting me. I don't have the positive outlook on relationships like my boyfriend does. I have problems now being intimate (I went off my Zoloft because it was causing me to twitch) when before I had no such problems(with my current boyfriend). Since I've been off the Zoloft I've started to decline. I want to cry for no reason. I get angry about the things my ex used to do or about the things my supervisors did to me. My boyfriend wants to marry me eventually and while he wants me to go at my pace, where before I felt thrilled to begin a new life with him, I now find myself becoming more and more scared and doubtful.

Was I truly abused or am I blowing this out of porportion? Why is it now that I'm having these problems with intimacy and commitment when before I was all for it? My boyfriend says that the Zoloft made me unemotional and unreactive and he's afraid that I'll have a bad side effect (twitching, shaking, stuttering, nervousness) if I start taking it again.
My life is a lot better now. I'm divorced, I've transferred from that horrible place with my abusive supervisors, but I seem to be becoming more and more depressed and apprehensive. That fear of being alone in my apartment is coming back, I'm starting to see things out of the corner of my eyes again and I keep getting horrible images in my head of frightening things that my mind tries to make me believe are real and will actually harm me.

I'm going back to my T but I'm so confused as to why I'm regressing instead of improving.

Can someone help me/give me advice?

(((catrina))) I am so sorry you went through all of that. I am not a counselor or anything, but to me it did seem like emotional abuse. Others may not agree, but it seemed to me he was trying to control you.

I would say that there was probably some emotional abuse in your marriage, but I do not necessary think it was done intentionally - just reactive to stress and life events.

BTW..... I do believe that you did the right thing by leaving - please ENJOY your NEW LIFE.

Catriana, you were affected by what happened in that relaitonship, and not in a good way. You learned a way of living and probably coping methods that you had to in that situation which aren't good for you now. You were hurt, whether your ex had intention to hurt you or not. I'm glad to hear that you are going back to your T, because you are going to need support to recover and find your way back to living the way that you want to. You will need to do some sorting out, and it's going to be hard sometimes, but it will be worth it if you stick with it and work towards your goals.

A lot of survivors question whether what they went through really was abuse or not. I think that most of us want that confirmation that it really happened, and it wasn't the way that we should have been treated, and we really don't have to put up with it ever again.

I don't know anything about what your childhood was like, etc., but there is one piece of good news about your recovery. Not to discount any of your experience at all, but if you had mostly healthy experiences growing up, or even some, then you will have that to draw from and it will make the journey before you now that much easier. When people are abused as children and grow up with the coping skills that they had to develop back then, and don't learn that there is another way, then it is very hard for them to heal and to change because they have been living that way for as long as they remember, and dn't know anything else. Adults who come out of an abusive situation that was recent, and get treatment right away, and had healthy coping skills before, have a lot of things in their favor. It still isn't easy, and I am sorry that you were hurt. I just want to give you a bit of hope and wish you well. Please come back and let us know how you progress.

If you still question whether it was abuse, maybe some of these articles will be helpful:
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/...motional_abuse

Thank you. I honestly don't believe that he intended to abuse me...at least not until the end when he was actively angry with me. Then he purposely said horrible things to me because he knew how it would hurt.

They say that emotional abusers were abused themselves most of the time. My ex did have something horrible happen to him as a child, and while he had been forced to go seek counselling, I don't think it worked well for him.

I remember going to him because I felt that he seemed so alone and miserable, and that all he needed was someone who cared. I wanted to help and show him that the world wasn't a dark and lonely place. Unfortunately, a person has to want change...and I don't think he did. He was content in being miserable, even when he had goodness and love all around him. I've spoken to him a few times before the divorce and he's just as pessimistic and negative as ever. It's just hard to deal with that all the time.

I guess it's just hard for me to believe because all of my friends growing up always pinned me as being the 'strong' one. I never really saw myself that way, I always saw it as simply being more realistic about things.

My boyfriend is helping me a lot. He's been an infinite source of patience for me and he gives me a lot of comfort and love. It's something I haven't ever had in my life and I'm enjoying it...even if I do get down and depressed despite his efforts.

As for my past, before my ex, it wasn't exactly a happy one. My father suffered PTSD from the Vietnam war and had gone years without any help. From the time I turned 13 until I left the house at 20, we argued from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed and the words used to describe me by my father on a regular basis ranged from "selfish" to "vindictive" to "uncaring" to "manipulative". My teenage years were very, very stressful. As such, I'm not as close to my parents as they would like, and my mother constantly accuses me of being 'overly sensitive' and 'high strung'.

I didn't have much self-esteem when I went into the relationship, and I still struggle with trying to convince myself that not everything is my fault.

My boyfriend tells me every day that I'm the most beautiful thing in the world to him, and tries very hard to show me how much he loves me. If nothing else in my life has been overly good, I can honestly say that if anything is going to help me get better, it's him and his undying patience and love for me. I was very, very lucky to end up with someone like him.

Catriana hi!
I read through what you've writen and it appears to me that you're life has been very stressful, you have found happiness with your new love. It's like you have finally found happiness and peace after much stress, you can not cope with it, you think it is all going to be taken away. It's not! Your ex-husband took away your self-esteem but he did not take away you! Keep talking through your fears, and let your new love embrace you!
Much love and peace to you xx

Cheekiebird: Thanks. My boyfriend tells me that as well, he also says that while he knows that my parents love me very much, I should take them in small doses because of how much they stress me out. Especially my mother, who has the tendency to just say some harsh things without really meaning to.

But I think you're right...it's just been so much so fast. This past year has been insane, leaving my husband, finding my boyfriend, transferring, meeting his parents, him meeting my parents, talking about marriage in a few years, getting out of the military, upcoming surgery...just a lot of stuff.

And yes, I am afraid of it all going away. My biggest fear is that he'll find someone prettier and much better and leave me. With my ex, it was always as if there was someone out there that he'd rather be with, but he was with me because I was 'the wife'.

It's mostly my insecurity. I can't compare my boyfriend to my ex, they're COMPLETELY different people. Total opposites from each other.

But it's so strange, laughing as much as I do, and being actually happy. It's like I'm waiting for something to come and crush me down. I dunno.

Recently, we had a discussion about relationships. I told him that I was scared of being too dependent on him. He currently makes more money than me and received a nice bonus for re-enlisting in the military so he's doing well money-wise and has been helping me a lot fiancially. When I get out in a few months he wants me to not work, just relax, for a month or so before I go back to school full time to get my business education. I told him that being so dependent on him fiancially frightened me because what if things don't work out?

I could tell he was hurt; here was a man who said he wanted to marry me, how could I think that things wouldn't work? But I was honest with him and I said that after my last relationship, it made me see just how fragile the future can be. He said that it was sad that I felt that way, because he knows that he wants to be with me forever.

I felt bad, because I never want to hurt him, but I can't really feel any differently. It's all terribly frustrating sometimes.

I think at first it wasn't intentional, but after a while it was. When he started working out to lose some weight, he called it "Trying to look good for the ladies." when I confronted him about it, he was like "Well, why wouldn't I want other women to find me attractive? Don't you want other guys to think you are?" When I told him that the only opinon that should matter to me is his, he just scoffed at me. That 'getting in shape for the ladies' attitude went on for a year and a half.

That's not all of the things he said, but he did admit that he had done all of that in hopes that I'd leave him because he felt he wasn't good enough. It wasn't until I actually left that he wanted to think things through and make things work.

But thank you. I'm coping slowly but surely but I am very happy with my boyfriend and I love him lots. He's a Goddess-send.