Mother issues

Hi, i'm Jock.


I'm joining this community hoping to find support & maybe answers for some issues that i've been dealing with since childhood but never had the opportunity to adress.

One question in particular that i'd like to put out there, in regards to my relationship with my mother.

From around 11, i've been repulsed by my mother and did express it. As i grew older i started feeling guilty about it, tried to allow more moments of physical & emotional contact with her but to this day it still feels awkward everytime we get close. I always feel the need to set a boundary at some point, by fear that if i'd let her she could try to get romantic or sexual with me. I don't have any memory of being explicitly sexually abused by her but that's how i've felt since late childhood. I wish i could go past this and have a normal relationship with my mother. I know there's little information but maybe someone has a hint on why i feel this way?

At around age 11 boys don't want their mother to kiss and coddle them, especially in front of their piers. That's normal. Also, it's not unusual for that to continue where it feels awkward like you describe. Not sure about the worry that it could be sexual other than you may be at the age where you are becoming more easily sexually aroused due to increasing testasterone levels.

Thank you for your time and insight. It's a releaf to hear that it's all normal and that any sexual tension i might be feeling only comes from myself.

You are welcome Jock. A lot of people go through stages that confuse them where they wonder if something is wrong with them. When boys are young it's not unsual for them to shy and run from girls who tend to develop crushes on boys as girls mature faster than boys do. Then they also get to an age as I mentioned where they don't want mom to kiss and hug them and they don't quite understand why to that either. Boys can have a hard time when they begin to change hormonally and it can confuse them a lot. The peak tends to happen around 18 years old where sexual drive is very strong and truth is in most of nature in general all mammels and other living things do reach a stage where their body is ready to reproduce. That's what nature is all about, reproduction, something both males and females experience and can be confused by. There are most definitely unseen drives at play where "nature" takes over that can confuse on so many levels. Often these drives happen way before someone is mentally mature enough to understand what they are really experiencing. High school crushes, broken hearts, puppy love are all things experienced that cause confusion when hormones are building up in someone due to nature itself.

Actually, what also can happen with males is at the same time they can begin to want to compete with other males more and can feel some aggression and get confused by that as well. That's why some burn that up through getting involved with sports like basketball and especially wrestling or football. Something that allows for being competitive as that is also something that happens in nature as well. Some prefer brain competitions like playing chess or having inventing competitions or they get involved with cars or even school politics. Some are drawn to music and play instruments or even join drama club or something in the arts.

Nothing is really wrong with where one gravitates towards either, it's just a clue as to where you might do best.

Also Jock, in nature the male offspring of a female does not mate with the mother.

Thanks again for your knowledge !

Maybe i can add some details about my background and thoughts that came into mind after reading your replies.

I might have confused sex with emotions. I know that in nature the offspring normally doesn't mate with it's mother but incestuous mothers exist. And i guess i was afraid that my mother could be one, have at least a romantic desire towards me even without a history of sexual abuse. Thanks to your input i reconsidered this idea, and the way i see it now, it's that because of my sexual hypersensitivity, i see her emotional demands as signs of romantic/sexual interest.

She demands a lot of attention, and sometimes for weird things, like asking to watch her do yoga or zumba moves, watch her belly because she lost some pounds or lets me know whenever she gained some. Tells me that she loves wearing a sweater of mine or stares at me. Things that feel out of place.


Again, i think now that it's just attention seeking or normal mom stuff but has nothing to do with sex, this part being my problem.


As you mentioned is the case for some boys, i did constantly shy away from engaging in romance or sex with girls even though i liked them, and should another one show interest today i would be even more frigid and clueless on how to act. But prior to adolescence it was the opposite, girls were running away from an obsessive romantic endeavour i had going on.


I must also add that i'm in my late 20's now, and when i started chickening out from courtship i was around 16, wich is when girls started showing interest to me. I had a few relationships but they never lasted, the common thread being my trouble with intimatcy.


Anyways, it really helped to have some perspective on this thing with my mom and it was great to be able to talk to someone. I'm very gratefull

There's a concept called emotional/covert incest, a parent/child dynamic doesn't have to be overtly incestuous to be emotionally exploitative. Because you've mentioned feeling disgust towards your mother and you're questioning is it her/is it me, I'm guessing you might find this topic relatable.

Actually here's an article from this very same website which might be a starting point: Emotional Incest: When Is Close Too Close?

But if you do some research, there is a lot of other reading available on the topic.


I was raised into this dynamic and I relate to the feeling of repulsion to my mother mixed with guilt for feeling repulsion. I do struggle with intimacy in relationships too. I've found it was best for my sanity to minimize contact with my parents and focus on my own emotional wellbeing.

I'm leaning towards this as your concern, as well.

Trust your gut instincts as it's there to help you. You're also approaching 30 years so if you're still feeling repulsed and uncomfortable around your mom, pay attention.

Yep.. sounds odd. She's having you focus on her body, as a boyfriend/husband might. Wearing your sweater? Crossing boundaries, again. She's not your girlfriend.

Is she still married? Where's your dad in all this?

Yes, they're together and seem to be doing okay, wich wasn't the case before. My dad is a narcisist and a bully though. He always asserts his dominance and shuts her off or ignores her input whenever he can. Also he has a good position that comes with obligations for her and we moved across continents because of his job. Basicly the couple revolves around him as did the family when i was growing up. Maybe she has needs or fantasies that he doesn't fulfill and out of frustration she turns to her children?

They "seem" to be doing ok. If he truly is a narcissist, or even exhibits NDP traits, then they are likely not doing ok. If she's "serving" him, things will be fine on the surface.

Turning into her children is definitely possible. Some of the examples are a bit off. She's clearly affected and is struggling.